Dude Goes On Facebook And Taunts Police To Catch Him... Promptly Gets Caught By Police

I'm not one to condone any form of douchebaggery but you can't blame my boy for this. Sure he's gonna be in jail for a while now being a sex slave to some dude named Lysol, but trust me when I say that it was worth it. Because I promise you that if you could bottle up street cred, it would be worth more than gold and homeboy here is a walking street cred factory. I could hire midgets to milk this dude and be a millionaire quicker than it takes Albert Haynesworth to not pass his conditioning test. Taunting the shit out of the cops like a thug. I mean sure he got caught and all but that's irrelevant. You think you just gain the chance to fuck Takeesha in the alley way next to the big red dumpster overnight? Hell naw. Gotta earn that shit son. So I tip my hat to Mr. Burgos here for living the dream. That is, if your dream is being as good of a crook as a Scooby-Do villain. Meddling cops.

I Guess This Is Kinda Cool?

Can't decide how I feel about this one. And honestly, the only thing holding me back from legitimately liking whatever just happened is the question of how these bros even decided to do this in the first place. Like do people just sit around at lunch and blow on their stacked cups now? Or did a strong gust of wind show up and cups were just flying all over the place like it was fucking Twister? 

You Think You're Having A Bad Day?

Try waking up in a morgue freezer. Yup. That'll do it. I mean obviously it sucks to be locked in a morgue in the first place, but he definitely got the double whammy here. Because the only thing worse than being totally not-dead and locked in a freezer full of people that are totally dead is the fact that this guy wont be able to cash in and make a movie/book combo out of it. If I were the 127 hours guy, I would have just spent the entire time scripting out the movie that they'd make. Same can't be said for homeboy here. Like 250 pages of being cold and asleep just doesn't sound like a New York Times bestseller to me. I mean hey, I could be wrong, but I'm never wrong.

Tonight's The Night.

In approximately ten hours I'll be a kid again. Why? Because tonight, Nickelodeon is bringing back all its old shows. Moon landing. Signing of the Declaration of Independence. And now, "'90s Are All That".  Staples in American history. I'm giddy right now. Effing giddy. Like running around town and shaking hands with old people, throwing money at the homeless and buying Girl Scout cookies that I'll never eat. Just pure, unadulterated elation at this point. You know born again Christians? Well after tonight I'm gonna be a born again kid. Gonna be eating Go-Gurt and before you know it I'll be asking for some allowance. It'll kinda be like Benjamin Button except I'll be watching the Rugrats and Doug. Soo not really like Benjamin Button at all. But speaking of Doug.......

Honestly took me about an hour to do because I'm computer handicapped. I'm no art major but I'd give myself at least a B+. Mainly because I think Mount Dougmore would be the #1 tourist attraction in the entire world.

P.S. I hope my love for Patty Mayonnaise doesn't relapse. Just kidding I totally want it to relapse.

Big Brother Just Got Uglier, And I'm Throwing In The Towel

Listen, I gotta be honest here, I fucking love reality TV. Don't ask why, just embrace it. That being said, I'm probably not gonna watch another episode of Big Brother this season. Why? There's no point. They voted off the goddess Cassi that's pictured above last night. She was the definition of perfection. Now she's out of my life forever. Like nobody wants to watch ugly people do stuff either. I honestly avoid the mirror as much as possible because I'm a modern day Shrek. The last time I watched ugly people do something was probably when I went to the super market and saw some old lady bag my groceries. Hated every second of it. Other than that, I just steer away from non-beautiful people. So sorry, Big Brother, but I'm out.

Giants Complaining About Visiting The White House, Everything Now Makes Sense

According to this article, the San Francisco Giants aren't feeling the whole, you-won-the-world-series-so-you-get-to-go-hang-out-with-the-most-important-guy-in-our-country thing. Aaand just like that I'm officially not a fan of the San Francisco Giants. Like do you remember when I wrote about how awesome it was when my fake NBA 2k11 player fakely met Barack Obama because I fakely won an NBA Championship? I was giddy. School girl mode. Now that they don't give a shit I kinda wanna back hand, then front hand the entire Giants lineup. Like are they Canadian or something? Must be it.

Note To Self: Next Time You Want A Foul Ball At A Baseball Game, Just Bitch And Moan Until You Get It

I've gotta be honest here, I can't decide whether or not I love the shit out of this or I hate its guts. On one hand, we just got a sneak peek at how big of a douche bag this little kid is gonna be. Just gonna show up to dates pouting like a little prick until he gets a handy under the table. He probably wont even take his drivers license test either, he'll just sit there until the lady just says fuck it and passes him. Need to pay taxes? Nah, fuck that. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed and chill. Not trying to say I'm a parenting guru here but I'm pretty sure that might be teaching little Jimmy some bad habits. So there's that.

But then after watching this for the 4th time I realized something: what if the Dad had planned this the whole time? Like who needs a glove to bring to the ballpark when you can make your little minion get whatever he wants? Was this the scam of the century? I vote yes.

Is Nike Serious With This Homepage Right Now?

(click to make this joke of a homepage bigger)

Uhh so here I am, just doing my usual 1:28 AM shoe shopping and then Nike gives me this. A cute little :31 second video of the US Womens soccer team talking about how pressure makes them awesome. Umm, really Nike? Pressure made the US Women's team miss 182 shots right outside the net and downright give the game away to Japan to lose the World Cup Final? Makes sense. Like what's next? Them welcoming me to their wonderful site by a cute little clip of LeBum saying that he lives for the 4th quarter? I'm so confused right now that I might just end my endorsement deal with Nike that I don't even have. That'll show them.

Note: If any combination of Hope Solo, Alex Morgan, or Abby Wambach are reading this, call me. Don't get your hopes up though Abby, you're not that cute and I just needed a third person to list off. Tell Hope or Alex to call me. Thanks babe.

Meet Rapport Opus, The Dog Who Smells Sperm And Busts Dudes For Raping Chicks

Hypothetical letter that I would hypothetically send to this dog:


Dear Mr. Opus-


Correct me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked it was total douche move to call out your homeboy for raping a chick by sniffing his splooge. Does "Man's Best Friend" ring a bell to you bro? Not gonna lie here if you keep pulling shit like this your title is seriously in jeopardy. I don't wanna jump to conclusions but next thing you know us dudes will be watching football and drinking beers with our trusty guinea pigs by our side. Nobody wants that. So just stick your nose into some other bodily fluid and let us get away raping chicks.


P.S. I think you got some leftover jizz on the left side of your mouth there tough guy. 
P.P.S. Do you just sniff, or do you swallow too? Douche.


Faithfully yours, 
Dave


Alright seriously though, so I guess the next time I'm feeling the urge to rape some chick I'll just do it right outside of a sperm bank? Is that the lesson to be learned here? Because this guy would be knocked into a coma by all that jizz and I'll be off frolicking around being safe and sound like a motherfucker. Also, I don't even wanna get into a fraction of the details on how they trained a dog to smell jizz like it was a freshly baked home made apple pie sitting on the window sill. Ignorance is bliss on that one. Better yet, why did they even feel the need to train a dog to do this in the first place? Lindsay Lohan wasn't available or something?

Putting On A Years Worth Of Makeup In One Day Is The Anti-Boner

Now I'm not claiming to be a mathematician here, but shouldn't this be easy to figure out? Chick puts 365 layers of makeup on at once. She's gotta then be at least 365 times hotter. Simple. Soo why did my dick just run away and bury itself under my shed in my backyard? Help.

Next Time You Get Arrested For "Sexually Fondling" A Chick, Just Say That You Were Sleep Walking

Greatest loophole in the history of history? Homeboy was caught fondling a 9 year old girl. What does he do? Just says he was sleepwalking. Bam. Acquitted on the spot. Someone hit the "that was easy" button. Kinda makes you think of what you can get away with these days, right? I mean shit,  did this dude even need a lawyer for this? Kinda seems like a waste of money to me. Because if this was me, I'd honestly just sleepwalk into the court house with morning wood and then grunt a couple of times before having a wet dream on the prosecutor. Case closed.

Wait, Was Hitler Secretly A Bro?

So according to this article, Nazi soldiers kept getting syphilis from those French whores so what does Hitler do? Gives everyone their own Aryan blow up doll. Wham, bam, thank you Hitler. I certainly don't agree with the whole Holocaust ordeal, and I'm not about to go invite him over my house anytime soon, but you gotta give credit where its due. Dude knows his stuff. Give out blow up dolls like they're candy and your army practically builds itself. Not to mention this must be the absolute easiest way in history to make people start to like a certain race more than others. You want your followers to like people with blonde hair and blue eyes? Let them put their bratwurst in a plastic blow up version of them all day. Game, set, match.

6 Year Old Drains A Hole In One... That Little Bitch

I mean this story has been absolutely everywhere, and the title literally says it all, but I'm still livid about it.

I went actual golfing for the very first time yesterday and it was a complete joke. I think I wiffed more times than I actually hit the ball. I sat there trying to brush off the suicidal thoughts that were taking over my brain after like 3 holes and this little 6 year old gets a hole in one and doesn't even go apeshit about it? You serious right now? Grow the fuck up. Stop being such a good sport and letting mommy and daddy finish their swings. No one likes a polite winner. Go scream for hours and stab your eyeballs out in a fit of pure, elated happiness. You just got a hole in one honey bear. Act like you've never been there before.

The Patriot's Need Nate Robinson Disgustingly Bad.. Not Really But Really

Word on the street is that lil Natey Robinson is gearing up for this ridiculous NBA lockout by hitting the gridiron. Hold on a sec while I go change my underwear..

Okay hey I'm back. I don't care that this probably has a -6% chance of happening- I still love it. It's like when you know the Easter bunny isn't real but you just choose to believe that he still goes through your yard in the middle of the night and puts random shit in little plastic eggs for you to find. I just want to believe it. Like I'm still fully convinced that the Sox won in '04 because of Pedro's Midget..

.. I mean look at the little guy! You can just put him in your pocket and feed him crumbs from your morning muffin! Seriously though, every locker room needs a mascot. Nate Robinson would be like the little fun midget that could actually kinda sorta suit up and play football. Definition of a win-win situation. Not to mention that his post-touchdown celebrations. Imagine the things he'd come up with?! He'd just get thrown around by Vince Wilfork and look like a Circ de Soleil show but with a shitload of pads. Nonstop fun. Favorite part about all of this is that the dude can actually play. Granted I'm going off a video of his high school highlights, but see for yourself:

Gimme.

New Look, Same Shitty Blog

So yeah, made some much needed changes to the format and shit. Unfortunately, that means the infamous Leftovers fish had to be flushed. Just wasn't feeling it anymore, you know? You can only fake feed some fake fish before you really go insane. Just lost its flair after like the 391,590th time of sitting here watching them swim around. I feel like I just broke up with them, but I think we can all move on from it in due time.

Raise Your Hand If You Want To See 5,000 Pounds Of Fireworks Exploding Simultaneously!

Uhh so is it too late to sign me up to be a cop? I don't care what the academy has to do to me.. taze me, mase me, water board me, make me lick an old ladies bunions for hours on end (terrible imagery right there, my bad)- sign me the eff up. Really won't wanna be "that guy" but maybe once I'm in I can point out that blowing up 2.5 tons of confiscated fireworks would have looked infinitely cooler at night.. or maybe waiting to do this on the 4th of July instead of the 1st. Another classic case of New Yorkers messing things up once again.

Are These Stats Serious Right Now?

Alright so one of my all time favorite things about having this shitty blog is reading the stats of how people found Mom's Leftovers, where they're from, and what they viewed it on. I don't know why but that shit makes my metaphorical dick metaphorically move. I eat it up. But now, I'm confused. Take a look at that picture above. It's showing what people typed into Google that made them end up here. I was just reading it being like
"Oh okay yeah people wanna read about those giant fucking rats, alright... Kenny the retarded white tiger, good stuff."
But then shit just got weird. People literally googled "mom skullfucked" and "mother take a shit", which brought them here? I kinda feel bad. Clearly these dudes were crazy psycho paths that get off to mothers shitting I guess? Must have made their wieners wicked sad when they realized that Mom's Leftovers isn't a giant heaping mound of some lady's dookie. My bad guys. Try again.

People Get Stuck On A Roller Coaster For 6 1/2 Hours- Strikes Up The Question Of What The Hell Is There To Do While You're Stuck On A Broken Down Roller Coaster For 6 1/2 Hours

Alright so I've got to be honest when I say that this story isn't all that interesting. It's just the classic roller-coaster-breaks-down-and-people-are-trapped-there-for-six-and-a-half-hours blah blah blah deal. What I can't stop thinking about is what they did in that time? There's only so much weather to talk about. Like:
"You see that cloud?" 
"Yep." 
"Hope it doesn't rain."
"Ya."
Just gets old after a while. Best part of this whole thing, though? According to the article, two chicks were crying the entire time. Uh, hello? I smell bullshit. One, because I'm pretty sure that if that were the case, she'd be all dried up by nightfall. Kinda like SpongeBob when he went to Sandy's for the first time and was too much of a pussy to admit that he needed to live underwater.

Second, I can't believe noone was hurt. Not because of faulty equipment or anything, but because of the willingness to jump off that thing. Listen, if I was stranded on that thing surrounded by crying bitches it would have taken me at the most, 20 minutes until I just unbuckle myself and be off on my merry way to falling on someone standing unsuspectingly on the ground. Simple as that.

I Think I'm In Like With The Hot Dog Eating Contest

Is there anything more american than watching some dudes devour processed meat? SPOILER ALERT: nope. The only thing I hate about the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is that it can't be held every single day for the rest of my life. I love this shit so much that I'm going through withdraws right now. There's nothing more heroic than what Joey Chestnut does year after year. Look, by body certainly isn't what it used to be. If my body was a temple, it would have been burned down by villagers by the time I hit puberty. I can't eat two hot dogs now without feeling like I'm gonna make some art all over the floor. Homeboy here ate 62. Joey Chestnut is an american hero. Someone give this dude a bushel of pussy. God knows he's deserved it.

PS- Imagine being that dude to the left of Chestnut that ate 56 and still didn't win? That would be worse than me going up there and eating 1.5 and then leaving after like 12 seconds. What's the point when you're going up against the greatest to ever play eat the game.

Why Are People Calling This Thing Lucky?

Let me start out by saying that I absolutely hate squirrels. They're literally like the animal version of AIDS. Can't get rid of them, and they're everywhere. That's not even the reason why I think it would have been way better for this little guy to get smashed to bits by that Lambo. I think it was a poor move all around by dodging it to be honest. Dude's a squirrel. By default he's already gonna end up in Hell (no squirrels in Heaven) so why not try to be one of the most badass Hell squirrels to ever die. He legit could've  been an absolute stud down there. Getting his nuts rubbed till they were hairless. But now that he dodged that sex on wheels, all he can look forward to is getting hit by a fucking 1992 Honda Civic that at one point was kinda sorta, but definitely not really cool looking... aka this:

So congrats, Mr. Squirrely. You just made the absolute worst decision of your stupid life.