Things I'd Give My Left Nut For:

With the start of a new week comes a new segment I like to gracefully call "Things I'd Give My Left Nut For" which features awesome stuff that I find, and want. I want them really badly.

The very first thing I would sever my teste for would definitely have to be this new urinal game. Like seriously, I want at least one. Think about it. Playing games and pissing are my top 2 favorite things to do in the entire world. I almost don't even want to put the two together because I'd feel bad for everything else that I do in my life. What else could possibly give me more enjoyment than testing my pee flow with other people who have gone before me? Literally nothing. The thing is too when I pee, it's pretty much a spectacle. Pretty sure people have called the cops because they thought a pipe was leaking somewhere or something. Pissing is just totally my thing. It's what I do.

So someone work out a deal where I can trade my left nut for this urinal game. Because I would.

For All You Pot Heads Out There..

..i'ts the weekend, so enjoy staring hopelessly at this video of some food coloring in milk for way longer than anyone else would!

Things I Could Watch All Day:

I'm literally not exaggerating when I say that I could watch this for at least 4-7 hours. Consecutively. I absolutely eat this shit up. Like this tiny little kitten is just in love with this string. Not giving a shit about anything else in the world, except having an awesome time. The big orange cat is soo jealous too. Like you can tell he's pissed because he remembers those days when he was just a wee little kitten without a care in the world. Sadly, those days are behind him, and I think he realizes that. All he has to look forward to now is getting worms in his ass so he can scoot across the carpet. Shit sucks.

March 6th Is Now Christmas, Even For You Jewish Folk

What's the big deal about March 6th? I'll sum it up in 10 simple words. Mike Tyson's show on Animal Planet about him racing pigeons. That was 10, right? Okay.You literally couldn't script this any better though. Think about it. Dude is the greatest boxer in the world for years. Goes ape-shit crazy and rapes a chick and went to jail for 3 years. Comes back to boxing. Goes ape-shit again except in the ring this time and bites off Evander's ear. Retires after a while of getting the shit kicked out of him. Then, starts his own show about him raising pigeons to be racing phenoms. I kinda feel like an idiot on this one. Like how could he sneak this by me like that? I 100% should've seen this one coming. Shame on me indeed. 

Guy Tries To Steal Chainsaw By Putting It Down His Pants, And Somehow Doesn't Get Away With it?!

According to an article on msnbc.com, some guy in Oklahoma was trying to steal a chainsaw. Like a completely stereotypical mal-educated Oklahoman, he chose to shove it down his pants. I was shocked as both of you reading this are. Pants? My money would've 100% been on the fact that this dude must've been wearing overalls. I could've sworn that's the only reason why Osh Kosh B'Gosh is still in business. 

Anyways, you have have to give this guy a tip of the hat when it comes to innovation. Why sprint out of the store carefree when you can risk slicing your nut sack open? That definitely take's some balls (PunVille), and for that I applaud him. Like if I was a CEO of some company I would hire this dude in a nano second. Anyone willing to shove a deadly tool down their pants can work for me any day. Quote me on that. 

HOW EFFING COOL ARE THESE FISH?!

Soooo the clock is about to strike 2 in the morning, and I'm honestly sitting here pondering when I've been so excited for something for my entire life.

What I'm talking about, of course, is my new set of fish that are so eloquently swimming just to the right of what you're reading now. I can't tell if it's just the late night wooziness that's making me loopy or if these things are really the coolest things ever. My vote is for coolest things ever. If any of you reading this (which is probably only my Dad.. let's get real here) have any suggestions for names I am all ears.

BREAKING NEWS: Just found out you can feed them. My life is awesome.

MORE BREAKING NEWS: I definitely just named the green one "Chlorophyll". Boom. 9 more names to go.
                                                                                                                                                          

Graffiti Knitters Going Hard Today! Where's My Invite?

                     (I can't wait until this chick hits 60 and this just looks like a soggy pile of spaghetti)


Look out Bloods. You too, Crips. Because according to this article on Boston.com, "yarn bombers" are sweeping across the nation. Sign. Me. The. Fuck (sorry mom). Up. This could be the coolest thing that I've ever heard of. Yes, cooler than Furbys back in their prime (which probably should've been never). Cooler than Koosh Balls. Even cooler than the Easy Bake Oven itself. Yup. Lock it up. Yarn Bombing is finally going hard.


Chicks just running around at night putting some freshly knit sweaters on statues? Putting little mittens on telephone poles? Where can I join in on these festivities? I don't even care that I don't know how to knit. It'll be like getting traded to the Nets or something. I'll just learn how to deal with it, and gel with my new teammates. Just be a great overall team player for the Yarn Bombers. I honestly don't care what I need to do. Rigorous training? Done. Knit 'till my fingers bleed? Sure. Like seriously. These have to be the cutest little things that I've ever seen, and trust me, these eyes have encountered bushels of cuteness so far.  The best part of the article is right here, “It’s street art with attitude,’’ said a member, Heather Louise Grover. BOOM. I think I'm in love with this chick. She just oozes d-i-v-a and I can't get enough of it. Preach it Heather! Let them haters hate!


P.S. My love of Heather Louise Grover is contingent on the fact of whether or not she's one of those three chicks in that picture.. 

The Most Patriotic Dog You'll Ever See

 Literally the definition of America in 1 minute and 44 beautiful seconds. This dog just doing whatever the hell it wants. Not even acknowledging his owner until it drops a massive deuce all over the beach. Love it.  Now, I'm no history buff but I'm pretty sure "Doing whatever thou wants and not taking anyone's shit" is some kind of amendment. I think it's the fourth one actually. 


(Special thanks to my boy Jake. Basketball fans, check out his blog, it's golden, trust me.)

Is It Too Early To Sign Lil' Papi?

So according to my trusty sources (boston.com) D'Angelo Oritz aka Lil' Papi is absolutely running shit down in Fort Meyers. The kids 6 years old and his swag is already unmeasurable. Just sits back, watches his dad win some Home Run Derby, and studies the player's stances. Can't coach that. He started off hitting righty in the Little League. Then he got bored and changed into a lefty. Now he's a switch hitter. Can't coach that.

The saddest party about this is the fact that I've literally practiced my autograph signature for years. Obviously, I've had absolutely no reason to actually sign anything. This 6 year old kid is friggen signing autographs for everyone down in Flo-Rida like it aint no thang. I honestly don't know why Theo doesn't just give him a contract already. Like let's be real here, how much would it actually cost to sign a 6 year old? What like a pack of Juicy Fruit or something? Couldn't possibly cost more than that, right? At least until he hits puberty.

Apparently "Sprinting" Is Just A New Word For Waddling?

                           


Let me start off with saying that I'm livid at this story right now. The fact that they call this lady a sprinter is not only a complete joke, it's a mockery to the English language. If that was sprinting, then growing up, I was literally the fastest fat kid in the world. Like no joke looking back at it now, I think I actually would've been able to "sprint" 10 yards without throwing up inside my football helmet that was 2 sizes too small. Ridiculous.

People may be like "Yeah but Dave she's 95 years old, that's a heartwarming story!" Bull. The fact that she's 95 and doing this just makes it that much more retarded. Like if she's so old and wise, shouldn't she realize that she should be writing her will or something? Get your damn priorities straight woman.

Oh and one more thing, what's with her doing this entire interview in her little track get-up there? Too busy scooting down hallways to put some real clothes on, Ida? Get real tuts.

The "You're Welcome" Moment Of The Week..

..brought to you by this cat.

I clearly just made your day at least 37 times better, you're welcome.  

Where Are They Now: Pokey Reese

I've literally been asking myself this question for years. If you don't know who Pokey Reese is, shame on you. Keep reading and hopefully you can redeem yourself.

Pokey's career could be summed up with four simple words, "Pokey woulda had it." Dude was an absolute defensive machine. I absolutely loved this guy (completely homo). He was only a part of Red Sox Nation during the 2004 season. No big deal. Just the year that the Sox won the World Series for the first time in 86 years.

But it's always been in the back of my head-where the poop did this guy go?

With minutes of research from my highly trained research team (google), he's just been straight chillin'. Apparently, his very last at-bat was game 4 of the World Series in '04. Guess the dude realized that Boston is the epitome of awesomeness and that series simply was the zenith of the sport itself. The guy was completely right, and I applaud him for that.

I Can Safely Say Where I Wont Be Going Anytime Soon: London

Read this yo: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-12503461

And if you didn't want to read it: Pretty much, London is launching an Anna Nicole Smith opera this weekend. I laughed at this, and I'm in the middle of a New Testament class which is the epitome of boredom. But they honestly couldn't have chosen anyone an ounce more interesting? Harriett Tubman perhaps? Mother Theresa? Literally the homeless dude with the awesome voice would have been a better idea for an opera. I would actually pay for that. But, nope. Had to go with a gold digging whore who was famous for........

..for being a gold digging whore. Kinda makes me think about the sanity of Londoners. Londonese? That's irrelevant because now I just call them douche bags.

Am I Seriously Supposed To Be Impressed By This?

So literally as we speak my news feed on BookFace is blowing up with this shit. People are all of a sudden pretending that they're handball's biggest fans and being all "OMG!!!!!!". Like what? Hello? This handball video blows. I hope people don't actually appreciate this. Let me dissect why everything about this video sucks.

1) It's handball....
2) I can do this blindfolded. (why should I be impressed with something that I can do myself?)
3) The "goalie" couldn't have tried any less to stop the ball from going in.
4) It's handball.
5) I've literally seen a bigger crowd of people at a middle school girls JV basketball game.
6) Speaking of which, this gym looks worse than an inner city YMCA's.

Boom, done.

On a lighter note, I was impressed by a cameo appearance by Umbro. Haven't seen them since my golden years of kindergarten soccer, when literally the entire population of North America played. Well done, Umbro. Didn't see that one coming.

Let's Pour One Out For Con Slobodchikoff Tonight

So a couple of weeks ago I find this absolute gem of an article, which I knew that I would have to blog about someday. http://www.npr.org/2011/01/20/132650631/new-language-discovered-prairiedogese 


First off, let me just say that I was almost positive that prairie dogs weren't real or something. Like the name "prairie dog" immediately reminds me of a little poop nugget sneaking out of my ass. Okay, glad we got that out of the way but here we go. 

To sum it up for you, this guy thought it would be a good idea to spend 30 years of his life studying the noises prairie dogs make. And then decipher it and make it a language. And then learn that language. No big deal. 


Wait, what? 30 YEARS? That's literally 10,950 days. Like I could picture someone doing this for a year or so just to get some type of award or some shit like that.. but 30?! That's absolutely absurd. I feel bad for this guy though. Like genuinely sad. I can't remember the last time I've felt legitimate sadness for another human being but sure enough, Con Slobodchikoff's story definitely choked me up a bit. This dude couldn't do more constructive things in 30 years than sneak around and record the squeaks that prairie dogs make? That's just sad. So here's to you, Con. Here's to you and your complete waste of 30 years. 


God Bless America. 

Let The Blogging Begin!

Okay so here goes nothing. What the hell does 'blog' even mean anyway? Like whoever copy wrote that must be sippin' sangria somewhere on the French peninsula. Does France have a peninsula? 94% chance I made that up, TBD.  


Here's probably the greatest thing you'll see all day. 

You're welcome.


P.S. I really hope that that's not the greatest thing you've seen today, because that means you've had a pretty shitty day. SHITTY! HA! Get it?!