Special, Live Look At Me After That Bruins Game!

These African Dudes' Parody Of N***** In Paris Is Almost Too Good

First off, I'm going to give these African guys a break on the fact that N****s In Paris peaked in popularity like 3 months ago. I'm no radio wave scientist here, but I'm assuming that the song finally hit the coast of Africa, so can't fault them there. But all bullshit aside, this video has taught me more about Africa than I had ever known. Completely thrown every conception I've had of Africa and made them misconceptions. Like where are those little kids bathing in trash heaps that I should donate 10 cents a day to so that they die in 4 days instead of 1? Where are all the "Miami Heat: 2011 World Champions!!!!!!!" shirts that these kids should be wearing? They have electricity now?! I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but this video pretty much shows that Africa is just like America, but with a lot less Mexicans.. and I'm okay with that.*

*Lo sentimos, los mexicanos! Yo no soy racista, lo juro. Me gusta que ustedes. Usted tiene una gran comida. Al igual que los tacos!

MissTravel.com Has Changed My Life Forever

                   

The crazy thing about this is that I was just sitting at home today crying beautiful tears out of my beautiful eyes because sometimes it's just hard to be beautiful. It's tough to walk by a mirror and hear it whisper your name. It's hard to have the beautiful beard hairs that you shaved off literally follow you around because they miss your beautiful face. I can't even cut my toenails without feeling bad anymore because they're just so fucking sexy. But as my tears fell to the ground and created little pools of wet love; I heard it. I heard MissTravel come through my laptop speakers like God himself trumpeting down from the heavens. This is it. This is my knight in shining armor. This is my calling. To travel around the world, just me and my attractive body; seeing all the sights, eating all the eats, and shopping all the shops. I now have meaning. I am now, MissTravel.

Bear Grylls Throwing Out The First Pitch At A Dodgers Game Had To Have Been The Least Exciting Thing I've Seen All Week

*I just wanna preface this by saying that this is easily the worst thing I've seen all week, and I've watched every game the Red Sox have played in so far.. so, yeah.*

Talk about a fall from grace, huh? I mean shit, for a dude that's literally been in the special forces, climbed Mount Everest, and is named Bear, this has to be the worst fucking first pitch of all time. Like, lighting the ball on fire using a lighter? First off, if Bear Grylls is gonna light something on fire, the last thing he should use is a lighter. Who is that even supposed to impress anyways, cavemen? He should've stuck to his roots here and just pissed all over the ball, caught a poisonous snake with his teeth, made mittens out of said snake's skin, peed all over his new mittens, and then light shit on fire. What a joke.

My President Is Cooler Than Your President Even Though We Probably Have The Same President

I have the weirdest boner right now.

The Only Thing Worse Than A Pitbull Biting Off Your Nose Is The Fact That You Have To Wear This On Your Face For A While

Talk about a fucking tease, huh? I'm willing to bet that this was the absolute slowest news day in the history of news days for NBC Chicago, and then this guy has the balls to not show his chewed off nose? You fucking kidding me dude? You're having your ugly, allegedly noseless face all over Mom's Leftovers and you don't even have the courtesy to take off the face mask that makes it look like you're protecting yourself from SARS? The NERVE! Doesn't he know I have a shitty blog that nobody reads to keep up?! Asshole.

I Already Love This Guy In My Fantasy Baseball League And The Draft Hasn't Even Started Yet..

I'll tell you this right now because I like you, fantasy sports is like my own version of running of the bulls. Happens every year, and I get way, waaaay to excited about it, only to get heartbroken and mauled to death on the streets by an angry horned animal. All this being said, I almost want to quit this league I just signed up for. This dude 'frank case' has to be the odds on favorite with a team name like that, and it's not even close. Here I am, thinking I'm a clever motherfucker with my team name being "Ryan Braun's Urine", and this dude is warning us that an entire race is about to take over the game of baseball all the while not capitalizing a fucking thing. Making a statement before any of us lace up our virtual cleats and take the virtual field to do nothing but crunch pointless numbers for the next 6 months. Fuck.