Meet Kenny, The Mentally Retarded Inbred White Tiger

Nothing like a deformed tiger to make me feel better about my life! Zoo's have apparently been forced to have white tigers bang their sisters because I guess there's some sort of demand for white tigers now? What is this, a James Bond movie? And how has this dude not even been bought yet? Do you think he costs more because he's so dumb? I promise you that if I had enough money to buy a white tiger, I would 100% buy a mentally retarded white tiger. Like why not, right? Anyone can have a big dumb regular white tiger. Pussy shit. I want my tiger to drool all over the place and not give a shit about anything else but having an awesome time. Don't even tell me that it wouldn't be the biggest pussy magnet in history either.

Walking through the park with a regular white tiger = dangerous.

Walking through the park with a mentally retarded white tiger = adorable.

P.S. I'm not gonna pretend like I know what I'm talking about but I promise you that Sigfried/Roy (not sure which one got his face torn off) definitely would have been fine if he was playing with Kenny.

P.P.S. I know mental retardation is a touchy subject. Don't call me a dick for the "drool all over the place" line. Kenny does it all the time!

David Spade Wins The Indy 500!

Big shout out to Mr. Spade for winning the Indy 500 yesterday! Dude deserves it. He was fucking awesome in Joe Dirt.

Someone Kill Me.

You know on like the week before Christmas as a kid you're dying to know what you're gonna get so you hunt through the house like fucking Indiana Jones dodging whatever contraptions your parents set up so that you don't peek at your presents? Yeah I was totally that kid. I would have probably severed my own hand at the wrist to see what I will get because I honestly wouldn't be able to contain myself in a decent way. Sure enough, every time that I found those fuckers I was just like "oh". Then the week blew donkey dick because I completely destroyed the element of surprise. Life would have been way fucking sicker if I could have just unseen that shit.

And that's how I feel about these videos.

There are just some things no human should ever see. I like having cognitive thinking and all that good stuff but I hope I get dementia within the hour just so I have no recollection of this and I'm not even exaggerating. For the first time ever, I'm completely jealous of blind people who never have to experience something like this. Ray Charles was a lucky motherfucker.

Peanut Butter and Swelly

Chiddy Bang - Peanut Butter & Swelly [Trailer] from illRoots.com on Vimeo.

Chiddy Bang does it again. Another killer mixtape that has the music blog world on fire. I have had it playing all day, and this will be the anthem of the summer. Mark my words. Chiddy Bang is on the rise and they are doing it in a big way.

Their next release will be their debut LP, booya!

This gets my seal of approval.

Follow them on Twitter.

@XaphoonJones

@RealChiddy

Download

Hulkshare

Don't You Just Hate It When You're Hiking With Your Kids, Videotaping Every Single Step And Then Fucking Bigfoot Ruins It All?

Fucking Bigfoot! No wonder no one invites this dude out for anything. Such a cock block. Can't you just let Samantha film her kids asses as they hike? Like is that too much to ask dude? I don't think so. Just mind your own business, being completely fake and made up, and let this family live their lives you greedy prick!

Uhh, America? Hello?

Not sure what to think of this other than the fact that the rapture must have actually happened and only the scum of the Earth (like me) are stuck here. This guy Paul Kausalik literally deserves some type of award for having huge balls. I don't think anyone else would have the balls to spit his own shit into a police officers face. Dude only got 60 days in jail. What? I've never been so sure about anything in my life than when I say that there is nothing that could be worse than this. Spitting in a dude's face is bad enough. Then add shit to the mix?! Tell me something that's worse than that, I dare you.

Think Of This Guy Next Time You Shop For A New Couch

Why? Because apparently dude was posted up on a Salvation Army couch with his willy and love nuts hanging out. Umm, how is this illegal? I thought Salvation Army was for homeless people, right? So the only people that would have seen Randall's jewels would have been homeless anyways and last time I checked, nothing phased them. They're just drunk, smelly teddy bears when you get down to it. One time I kicked a homeless dude's teeth out, peed all over his face, and lit his box on fire in the middle of the day. Then I put a live ferret his pants while a small group of middle school kids that were on a field trip to the city gathered around him laughing and tormenting the guy. And what'd he do? Asked for a beer. True story. That's why I have absolutely no doubt that something else would have had to happen in this Salvation Army. Like you think people who "shop" there aren't expecting to see an old dude's package? Bite your tounge.

Where Are They Now: The People Who Thought The Rapture Was Going To Be Saturday

Still here. Funny how that worked out, huh? Just when this old bag of skin thought he knew something, BOOM. God throws him a right hook to the jaw. Classic move here by the man upstairs.

False Advertising At Its Finest

Okay so obviously the title of this video is "Puppy tries to eat owners breath", but like where's the dog? Uhh hello? False advertising? All I saw during those :56 awesome seconds was a smoking hot chick's boob almost popping out. Call me crazy but I was kinda hoping to see some sort of ridiculously cute puppy doing something ridiculously cute. Shame.

BREAKING NEWS: I just watched this 3 more times. I think I saw the puppy! Look!

A ha! Take that bitch! Found your damn puppy! Think you can get anything by me, huh! Eat shit! Exclamation points!

Soo Apparently Camels Have Bad Eyesight

I'll have to be honest here, I've never heard the actual audio for this video and frankly I don't give a shit. There are so many questions running through my head right now that I'm not even sure if Osama is dead or not. Let's start with the camel. Clearly this guy has the worst eye sight in America, right? I mean that has to be the only logical explanation towards why he thought it would be a decent idea to hit on this chick. Like if we asked him I guarantee you that he'd say he was drunk or some shit like that but there's absolutely no excuse. Just a terrible call all around. This reporter is the type you piss on, not eat her hair. Disgrace to the animal kingdom if I've ever seen one.

Secondly, you can't sit here and tell me that this chick is a human. Watch the first three seconds of this at least 27 times. Did you hear they way she just counted down?! She started out being a totally pessimistic chick and then all of a sudden- BOOM. Went into complete robot mode. I mean I'm a young dude but I'm old enough to know that people don't just count themselves down and get themselves in any kind of mode unless they're robots. So now that we've established that she's a robot, what do we do here? Like do we hold Robot Witch Trials even though our grandkids will just laugh at them because they'll think we're crazy mother fuckers? Justice has to be served.

Okay now this is pretty much an essay already and I whole heartedly apologize for that, but can someone please find out where the hell this place is? What's throwing me off is that there's a fucking cat just chilling out on top of cages filled with chickens. If you didn't catch it, here it is:

Like what the hell is this, Dr. Doolittle's house? Something is disgustingly wrong here. Animals don't just peacefully live with each other. Just a fact of life.

Mom's Leftovers- Slowing Taking Over All Your Senses

First, I came with the words. Sitting here, typing out some amazing word porn for all of you to gobble up on a daily basis. Dominated your sense of sight. Then I thought to myself, why stop here? Might as well make your ears fall in love too.

Who could fuck your ears nice and good?

Introducing: Benny Sonic.

Kids my best friend, and a budding DJ. Uhhh hello? Match made in heaven right here. Keep your ears open for his shit every day!

Now all I need to do is figure out someone that can cook, smell, and feels good I guess, right? No clue how that one will work but hopefully within the next couple of years someone will come up with that shit.

Let's Get This Straight Here

Finals are kicking my ass. Absolutely just bending me over and I'm threatening to call the cops because it certainly wasn't consensual. In two days, Mom's Leftovers will be popped into the microwave and come back better than ever. Do I have some groundbreaking ideas up my sleeve? Yes. Stay tuned and keep being sexy.

Wow

Well, this was a fun series, huh? I mean like I'd say I guess I had a good time. I hate the Heat more than genocide. I hope that


That's literally where I was at like 15 minutes ago. Then all of a sudden, our knight in shining armor came back. But like what can I say right now? I cried when I saw him. I wept. This is why every single person needs to watch sports. You can't script this. I triple dog dare Hollywood to try and script something even remotely close to this. Definition of a Celtic. Definition of heart. Celtics in 6.

Did Barstool Really Just Pass This Up?

Who wouldn't want this guy blogging for their empire? Apparently Barstool doesn't. Sad face. Sucks but sometimes you gotta just know when to suck it up and move on, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Can't blame the guys over there either. I'm just a wee little lad trying to flap my wings and soar, but they didn't wanna roll the dice and take a chance on me. No hard feelings. Obviously it's their loss, but they'll find out soon enough on their own.

I love you all and Mom's Leftovers will be stronger than ever. You best beleedat.

P.S. Here's the email that broke the news to me:

P.S.S (or is it P.P.S?) Damn right we'll revisit this next summer! Booyacasha!

The Queen Of Evil

Ladies and gentlemen, Karen Butler. The chick that claims she had surgery, then came out of surgery with a crazy accent. Now I've seen a lot of shams in my life. But this Karen Butler lady literally takes it to a whole new dimension. I haven't seen this level of commitment since the Royal Wedding and I didn't even watch it. Imagine needing to fake a Transylvania accent for the rest of eternity?! She's got a set of balls bigger than an Ox's.

But seriously if this thing is real how do you cure it? Like do you just get hooked up to an IV filled with apple pie and baseball until you sound American? Maybe just sit there and be forced to watch some Jerry S[ringer for hours on end? Needless to say I'm confused and want answers! If this was Barstool I'd have a remedy in a milisecond. Too bad the only people that read this are like my parents. Hi Mom.

I Kinda Feel Bad For NBA 2k11

Literally think I was born to play this shit. My guys averaging like a double-double every time he puts a foot on the court. I make Clark Kellog and Kevin Harlan wet in a mili second it's not even close to being fair. Or probably even legal. Doris Burke likes me more than she likes Kemba, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't deserve to know. Sad but true.

Seriously though check out this gem from when I just won the championship:

Coolest moment of my life. Barack is just a straight up cool dude. Kinda like that crazy uncle that everyone laughs at but he's black. It's awesome. Never give up kids, follow your dreams.

P.S. How fucking bad ass is it that I wore my headband to the White House? Like who does that? Dave Hanson does! That's who mother fuckers! Putting the team on my back, putting the city of Portland (New Hampshire?) on my back! Winners win.

If Wisconsin Gets Cream Puffs As Their State Dessert I Swear To God..

1) Breathing
2) Creme Puffs
3) Girls

That's my life in a nutshell. And now that Wisconsin is on the verge of getting creme puffs as their state dessert, you can add hating Wisconsin as #4 on that list. Like before this me and Wisconsin were totally fine. I stayed out of its business, it had the Cheeseheads marrying their cousins and shit like that.Definition of a peaceful friendship. Not anymore. It's like Wisconsin just stole my wicked hot girlfriend from right under my nose. I'm 115% pissed right now and I'm not even sure who to be pissed at. Aaron Rodgers? Can I call the sausage men that run around during Brewers games? Fuck Wisconsin. I'm gonna go piss on their lawn.

So Wait, Some Guy Accidentally Stumbled Into An All-Women Jail And Wanted To Leave So Badly That The Mayor Had To Come Get Him Out?

The title literally says it all, except for the fact that this guy must be a homo, right? I can remember things like they were yesterday, that being said I 100% remember back in '99 my very first wet dream. It was like a work of cummy bed sheet art. The details are spotty but I was definitely remember being in a jail filled with chicks, a couple Furbys, and probably a Charmander or two. We had the absolute best time ever and the fact that I jizzed myself was completely warranted. I don't even think that I did anything with the chicks either, I probably just broke Furbys left and right like it was nothing. And everyone knows that nothing gets kids off quite like some Pokemon. But yeah, fact of the matter is that there's no way this guy has an ounce of straight in him. Obviously if you take a step into a vag jail, you're bound to find some butch chicks but you can't convince me that there was absolutely zero doable girls doing time. Shame on him. Dude had golden opportunity and just sat there and bitched and moaned until he got out of there. Shameful.

The Only Thing I'm Worried About More Than The Celtics Are The Revolution

So the C's lost last night. Why do people care? It's game 2 and it's in Miami. The Heat should win that game. Let's bring it back to the Bean and see what happens. My worried meter is at a -6 right now. Except for the Revolution. Fucking starting the year off 2-3-3 is disgusting. Yeah they're still 5th in the East but that's just because soccer blows. Literally if Boston doesn't win a title in every single sport within the next 4 years it's going to be a loss. We're just too awesome to not get rings all across the board and if the Revolution keep this shit up we'll have no choice but to ship them up to NH.

Sudan Stand Up!

We here in America have our founding fathers to tip our hats to for making America awesome. Who does Sudan have? Bangs. Making strides to put Sudan on the map, one rap at a time. Proves that all you need to be successful in life is one of those wicked old keyboards that you can make beats on, and a 3rd grader to put footage of yourself up. Do they even have movie theaters there? Doubtful.

Where Can I Get My Own Built-In Pocket?

Left and right I'm hearing stories about chicks shoving things up their snatches. If you recall, back in March, some woman hid a bunch of heroin and cash up her hoo-ha. Now? Some lady tries to one up her by using her meat hole as a credit card holder. Strangely, I'm fine with both of these. What makes me feel sick is that I don't have one for my own to hide stuff in. Not like I have anything remotely cool that I would put up my metaphorical vagina, but still. It's the thought that counts. If I didn't like Sir Edgar P. Wellington so much, I would get an internal blood pocket in less than a second. Screw a wallet. Screw keychains. I'd just shove everything up there all day long. Need some chapstick? I got you. It's like the upgrade of a fanny pack. Classic.

Where Are They Now: Tina Cervasio

I'm ashamed that it's taken me this long to write a 'Where Are They Now?' about my girl Tina. There isn't a waking day that passes by that I haven't had at least one thought about her. Today I finally manned up and decided to dig deep and find out what she's up to. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with what I found.

It's safe to say that I used to LOVE this girl. Nothing against Heidi Watney, but I just feel like she's untouchable. No shot of bagging her. But Tina on the other hand just seems believably chill. Totally ready to get drunk and yell at the neighbors, but then sober up and change the baby's diaper. Can't coach that. But when I found out that she went all Hollywood getting her own website, my eyebrows were raised. Then, I kept reading and almost threw up everywhere. She went from being a superstar reporter with an even bigger team, into covering the Knicks. HAHAHA! The Knicks! Like those people that claim to be on a team that all play a game called basketball? I guess. Sucks to be her. Nothing I'd rather do less in an even shittier city. I have to stop now, here's her "Highlight" reel.

Everything about this is weird. I sat here for the entire thing with my jaw on the floor. Everything is strange. Why is she talking about basketball? Where are the interviews with Manny? Where am I? Screw New York. They can have her, I'll take Watney. 

SCIENCE!

Listen I've never been a nerd. Just hasn't really been in my repertoire ever. That being said I can't remember the last time science has made me so excited. Why? Because a new study shows that sex is just as healthy as broccoli and vitamin D. I KNEW there was a reason for broccoli to taste awful! All these years of hating broccoli and now it's pretty much solidified that I'm an absolute genius. I feel like we should hold a press conference or something like that. Definitely would get more ratings than the Osama's dead speech.

But yeah I have to go now. Gotta catch up on lost time from never eating broccoli and vitamin D. Wait does jerking off count? If it doesn't then I'm fucked.

Why Am I Not Surprised That This Guy Got Caught In Women's Undies With His Neighbor's Dead Goat Next To Him In His Bathroom Last Night?

For years all people have done to me is show me mugshots and tried to get me to guess what it is that they did to get them arrested. Meet Mark Thompson. The guy who thought he could sneak through my cracks of injustice. Nope. Not this time bud. Honest to God the very first thing I thought of when I saw his picture is that he fucked some kind of animal and was probably high while doing so. What'd he do? He got high on bath salts, stole his 4 year old neighbor's goat, dressed up like a chick, brought it to the bathroom, fucked it, then killed it. Game, set, match, Dave. Really gotta tip your hat to him though. Just when you thought fucking a goat was weird, he 3-ups you by doing it high on bath salts, dressed up like a chick, and then killing it at the end of it all. Textbook.

Get On This Guy's Level!

Can you think of an easier job in the entire world? I promise you that this guy is 100% robbing whoever decided to hire him. He knows it too. He's just stealing from this airport day and day out. Like does China not realize that they can make robots to do this for them?

HUGE Night For Waldo!

America is awesome. More importantly, Waldo just reclaimed the #1 spot as greatest hide and seek player in history. First, Saddam tried to play. Nope, someone found him.. then hung him. Osama had a whack at it. Swing and a miss. Dead. How about our boy Waldo? He's been hiding like a mother fucker since '87 and  no one is even close to finding him. That little smirk just carrying him into hide and seek folklore.

Moral of the story is that when I look back at this day, I'll remember that Waldo rightfully took his place at the top of the charts again. God bless America.

Here's To Osama Getting Skull Fucked By Maggots!

Already ordered the copy of the book that will be written about this. And for the first time in Dave Hanson history, I'll read it before I watch the bad ass movie about it. Amurrricah.