One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other..

Listen. I'd be lying if I told you I had heard of Nate Solder before a couple of hours ago. Now that I read about him I'm starting to like him, but hate to break it to you- kid can't grow a beard for his life. He's so babyfaced it's scary. The dude is 6'8" and he can't grow anything on his face? Normal freaks that are 6'8" probably grew beards in the 3rd grade so that scares the hell out of me. Just starting off on the wrong foot indefinitely. Everyone knows that to be an awesome offensive lineman for the Pats, you have to have an awesome beard. Not trying to say that I'm worried, but I'm worried.

P.S. I'm so good at this whole adding pictures thing! Sign me up at a picture posting company already!

HOCKEY!

Everything is right in the world.

Are The "hungry_birds" The Coolest Thing In The World Or What?

My vote is absofruitly they are. In case you guys somehow didn't know,  pretty much, some dude in like Latvia made a twitter account for birds. How do they tweet? They peck at that keyboard that's covered in bacon fat. Remember when I said that those eagles are my favorite things ever? Well ladies and gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that I just found my #2.

Thoroughly Disgusted

Can I be honest here? I think this is a ridicule-free zone. I don't get why people all over the world are jizzing over this royal wedding. I'm willing to give England the nod for being excited, but that's literally it. People waking up tomorrow at 4 in the morning to watch probably the most boring tradition event in human history just baffles me. First off, we have TiVo. Even if you don't, this shit'll literally be on the news for at least a year and a half. I'm sick of it.

So when I saw this picture of this douche that got the royal couple tattooed on his teeth it put me over the edge. Just couldn't take anymore. I'm literally writing this on my buddy's laptop right now because I threw mine out the window. Grow up dude, she'll probably die in a car crash in a couple years anyways (just running on pure stats here folks).

P.S. Way to wash your face man.

P.P.S. I could've sworn everyone in England had wooden teeth? Apparently I'm mistaken here? Learn something new everyday I guess.

Introducing: Robot Bunny

See this kinda stuff scares the shit out of me. First off, how could they possibly fathom naming this thing Joe. Being the cutest bunny in the world and having a name like Joe just wont get you anywhere. I'd rather take being a paraplegic than having my name be Joe. Speaking of paraplegic, how did it take them so long to notice/address that he couldn't use his back legs? I scoped that shit out immediately. At the 11 second mark I knew this thing was a two legged freak. Took them 30 seconds. Just saying. Okay and yeah it's adorable that this little kid and his dad made him a little rickshaw for his lazy legs. Adorable. But don't you think it being bright red and yellow is some sort of an issue? Forget Joe here looking like a stumbling McDonalds ad, how the hell is he supposed to stand 30 seconds in the wild with that thing? This will backfire, I can tell you that much. Once word gets out that Joe got a new pair of wheels, all the paraplegic mother fuckers will be hanging out in this kid's backyard. Pretty soon there are just gonna be little robot woodland creatures hobbling around all over the place. You heard it here first folks.

Look Out Lil Wayne!

I don't know who this kid is but apparently he's back? I couldn't be more thankful. Just when I thought I sucked at life here comes Moficky (?) to show me how awesome I am. I'll tell you what if I knew this kid in real life we would be the best friends ever. It wouldn't even matter if I genuinely like the kid's company or not, I'd just force myself to hang out with him because either A) he's gonna actually blow up and I'll be right there as his right hand man to steal all his chicks or B) he's gonna make me look extremely good at everything I do. It's a solid win-win. Unless we go all Biggie and Tupac on each other.

Daily Tally For How Many Times Ocho Cinco Has Ignored My Tweets

It's been like 45 minutes since I posted this and just realized how racist this picture is... woops.

For those of you keeping score at home, so far I am now 0-19 in the sweepstakes to have Ocho Cinco respond to one of my tweets to him. At this point I'm kinda hoping that he just keeps ignoring me to get my record disgustingly bad. Something to tell the grandkids while we all sit around the fire or do whatever my duties are as a grandpa will be. Anywho, here are the golden tweets that he's ignored since the last time I talked about it:

How the poop did he not at least chuckle at that? Seriously? I thought the Spanish one was my golden ticket. Nope. Back to the drawing board.

Did It Really Take Me This Long To Realize What Today Was?

Fuck me. Today has been World Penguin Day and I just realized it. I hate myself so much I could literally cry for days. Penguins are the coolest thing ever put on this Earth. Like they don't sit there and bitch and moan about how they can't fly like those dumb ostriches. They just waddle around or slide for miles on their little tummys. Awesome. I honestly love them so much that at thanksgiving when all the family is gathered around the table and shit and some aunt goes "What are you thankful for this year?" I just shout out penguins. Even if she wasn't addressing me, I'll still yell "penguins." Been doing that for 19 years straight, not seeing the tradition end anytime soon. That story may or may not have been real but you enjoyed it so it doesn't even matter.

If Ocho Cinco Never ReTweets Me, I'm Going To Cause Serious Harm To Someone

So those of you who aren't following me on Twitter are clearly in the dark here, but I'll keep you guys informed. I've been tweeting my dick off since last night. Chad OchoCinco is one of the most famous tweeters out there. He tweets a lot about pointless shit that most people don't care about. More importantly, when people tweet at him, he ReTweets (pretty much just answers). He RT's the dumbest shit in the world, and this doesn't even include everything I say. How can this be? I'm killing it with these tweets and he'll respond to one asking like "who the best WR in the NFL is". Bullshit! There isn't even an NFL right now! I'm livid, but I'll keep you guys posted. 

Chinese Author Guy Wants To Look Like William Shakespeare?

Huh? Not really sure what the deal is here. But apparently some Chinese guy thinks that it's a good idea to dish out $150k for 10 months of surgery too look like a dude with forehead for miles? Like I get it that you're Chinese, so you have the most typical face on the planet, but seriously? Couldn't have picked anyone more attractive? I guess he's just throwing in the towel then. Packing it up, and calling it a day. What a pussy.

P.S. What's gonna happen with the eyes here? Are they still gonna be squinty as fuck or are they gonna be normal?

Should People Start Listening To Me, Or Should They Start Listening To Me?

Remember that time I said that Wiz Khalifa's new song was gonna explode and then it went right on to explode? Remember that time I said not to freak out because the Red Sox would be fine? Or how about when I saw aliens and then the FBI released documents saying there were aliens? Yeah I'd say I'm on fire right now. Need proof?

 The Sox are 10-11. What was their record finishing up April last year? 11-12.

Listen to me.

I Read This Story About This Guy That Killed His Ex-Girlfriend And Then Was Running Away And He Thought He Could Jump Into the Grand Canyon To Get Away But He Only Fell 25 Feet So He Got Caught And All I Can Think About Is How Young He Looks?

How old do you think this guy is?! I was guessing 30's. I wasn't even close. Dude is 48! FORTY EIGHT. Wow. I'll have what he's having, thank you very much. Dude looks great. I mean sure he's a murderer but if there's one thing that I believe in, it's giving credit where credit is due. He's gonna be everyone's bitch in jail with a 48 year old baby face like that.

Homelessness Aint Shit!

So there's this new game that you can play here. It's pretty much just a game pretending that you're homeless and I guess it was supposed to be hard to prove a point or something? Too bad I fucking kicked its ass. Literally tore it apart and made it my absolute bitch. I guess people are supposed to quit or because apparently being homeless sucks. Fooled me. Within about 42 seconds I was sipping Cristal on Italian beaches surrounded by hundreds of Pygmy Jerboas. Grow the fuck up homelessness and come back when you're tough!

New Jam

A few weeks ago I called that No Sleep would blow up. This is next. You're Welcome.

I Could Swim In A Pool Filled With These

I wouldn't even care if I drowned either. Awesome. Just awesome. I want to be covered in these things forever and ever. Hell I might even just go all Egyptian  on you and have these guys buried with me so I can bring them to Heaven (knock on wood) with me.

Are These Kids Serious Right Now?

People are messed up. Why? Because for some reason, some kids thought it would be a good idea to put 900 Peeps on their neighbors lawn. Haha..? Wait am I missing something? They claim they did this as a prank too, not like a favor to the neighbors. What? You made someone's lawn look awesome and sugary in one night and you think you just pranked them? Ha! Kids these days. I would PAY someone to do that to my lawn. I think we could only fit like 4 peeps out there but that's totally beyond the point. If I ever woke up with my lawn covered in Peeps I would probably cry in excitement. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only reason why Peeps are still being made too. I could eat them for every single meal and that's exactly why Easter is the absolute best day ever- Peeps all day, Peeps all night. Happy Peep Day everyone!

The "Who Does This Kid Think He Is, Blogging On Easter?" Blog Post

These bunnies think they're tough or something? Not until they saw the white feathered Chicken Police roll through! Textbook showing by the clucking assassins here. Clearly they've been reading up on how to cock block stupid little rabbits, and they showcased that here today. No humping on Easter! No soup for you!

I'm Head Over Heels In Like With Hockey

Double overtime. My heart hates the Bruins right now because they single handedly gave me an irregular heartbeat but I'll take it. I like-like hockey. I don't want to say love because the only thing I truly love in this dark dark world is this family of eagles that I can watch 24/7. And I can't do that to their little feathery souls.

92% Sure I Could Watch This All Day

I think I can smell the cuteness from here.

So Apparently Raining Worms Isn't A Big Deal..?

Somehow this story of worms raining down on kids at recess slipped through the vice grip of my skills of finding absurd news stories. The thing that's special with this one in particular isn't the fact that worms just started flying all over the place, but that people legitimately don't care. I'm not a big science nerd so why this happened doesn't phase me. Apocalypse? Hoax? Worms just getting bored of being underground all the time so they decided to shoot themselves around? Could care less. What I do care about is how these kids weren't pissed that they had to go to inside for indoor recess. Growing up I used to fake sick on the rainy days all the time just to avoid being stuck inside when it was clearly time to do some sort of play. The dumb teacher used to always just hand us a book and expect us to have as much fun as if we were frolicking around making fun of ugly chicks for having cooties. Hell no I won't read "Hop on Pop". Give me a kickball and I'll probably miss it entirely. At least it's fun though. I'm pretty sure that indoor recess is one of their 'activities' at Guantanamo Bay too. Wouldn't be surprised. Even people get to play outside when they're in jail for God's sake, and these kids' recesses got ruined because of fucking worms falling left and right?! These worms are so lucky I'm not a kid anymore. They'd all be cut in half by now. Slimy bastards.

Meet: The Only 76ers Fan Left

It's weird to think that in some society many moons ago this type of guy was considered to be attractive. I'm pretty sure the only reason he got up out of his chair was because he was losing blood circulation throughout his body (and that's assuming that he could somewhat fit into that chair). People may think he's dancing but he's clearly just trying to get the blood to flow back into his fat feet. What's the over/under for how many Snuggies you could make just out of this guy's skin? Gotta be at least 17, right?

I've Never Loved Anything More Than These Eagles

I think that it's pretty safe to say that I can't get enough of this bald eagle family. I don't even care that all they do is sleep all day and the momma eagle (which I'm 70% sure is a robot) just looks around all the time. Sitting here and watching them is probably my favorite past time. I just want to hop through the screen and cuddle the hell out of them and be best friends forever. That being said I definitely wouldn't mind having them stuffed and hung up above the fire place that I don't have.

Old Men Stand Up!

Doesn't even know where to look, that's how excited he is. 

 Rejoice! Be merry! Because now there's a beer that is laced with Viagra! It's only natural to put two great things together to make one completely awesome thing. First it was PB + J. Then came Chuckie Cheese. Now? Boners and Beer! A match made in drunken heaven right here... or is it? Because the more I honestly sit here and think about it, the more I'm convinced that fat chicks must be behind this. Think about it. How do fat chicks get laid? Drunk guys. How do you make drunk guys pitch tents like nothing? Viagra. Boom, just caught on to their little scheme. I'm onto you fat chicks! But only figuratively.. not literally.

Is My Fantasy Baseball Team Serious Right Now?

Grow the fuck up guys! I promised that I wouldn't talk about my fantasy baseball team here on Mom's Leftovers, but I need something to light a fire under these boys asses. They're a complete joke. I'm 0-2, and on the verge of getting absolutely raped this week. My lineup was so promising before Ryan Zimmerman and Josh Hamilton got hurt. Now I could just throw out some fucking little leaguers and see what they can do. It's an absolute joke and I'm pretty sure I'll be the laughing stock of the league next week. Look at my pitching! Buchholz is the only pitcher to give me positive points this week and that's just because the Sox decided to start hitting. I'm literally contemplating sending letters to each and every player I own. Just gonna threaten their dumb long socks off. The Terror Alert for Three Run Boner has been raised to severe.

P.S. Derek Lee is black, right? So can I still say that I own him? I'm not one to condone slavery but I totally own him.

How Much Do You Think The Government Pays This Chick?

Cut all the cutesy shit honey. Forget how adorable this girl is. She's clearly a brainwashing whore and I will have none of it. There's no way the government isn't behind this. Probably a giant scheme to cock block all of us by making us happy. Not this time government. Not this time.


P.S. That made me feel really good about myself. I can do anything.

Apparently The U.S. Is Depressed.. Cha-Ching!

So according to this article in the NY Times, our beautiful nation's mood is the lowest that it's been for two years. Wait. Did you just hear that? Pretty sure that was me cashing my one way ticket to BoneVille. Listen. Everyone, and I mean everyone knows that it's easiest to pick up a chick when they're sad (don't call me a douche bag, it's just a fact). When the entire nation is sad, that means easy pickins for yours truly! For the first time ever, I'd be a legitimate first round pick because I'm just always happy. It's literally just gonna take a quick little smile at a chick to get her to bump nasties. Stay sad everyone! God Bless America.

Minnesota Veterans Don't Take No Shit From Nobody!

People in Minnesota thought it would be a good idea to give some veterans some shitty home made quilts. What do they do? Slap those mother fuckers in the face and refuse them! BOOM. I'm all for giving things to the veterans- gotta love those guys. But when it comes to quilts, I don't even think Eskimo kids in Antartica would want those. Either people in Minnesota haven't heard of Snuggies yet or they just don't give two shits about the vets. Both of them are unacceptable. That's why from now on I'm just going to go down to the VFW with some ladies of the night and just dish out lap dances like I'm a butler. That'll make those guys happy again. Either that or give them some sort of deathly flashback, but I'm willing to take my chances. USA! USA! USA!

Idiot Ducks Think They Know Something

Seriously ducks? Think you're tough or something? Listen, I think these little guys are as cute as the next guy/girl but there's a reason why they don't have little duck escalators that bring you across ponds. You have fucking wings. The Wright Brothers would've given their firstborns for that shit and here you are, trying to act all fancy? I'm eating a duck for dinner tonight. I hope it's one of your stupid friends too.

Harry Gray- Paving The Way For When I Get Old

Christopher Columbus. Lewis & Clark. Jackie Robinson. And now, Harry Gray. Paving the way for all of us out there by chasing some bitch bicyclist around a parking lot for 3 days.  Definition of trail blazer right there. I couldn't be more excited because if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I can't fucking wait to be old. I'm not talking like fifties, I mean like pushing 80. Coffin- worthy. Who's gonna fuck with you when your main goal on a daily basis is to try your hardest to not shit your pants? Nobody. Dude is disgustingly committed too. Can't get this chick on day one? No worries. Just make it your life goal to chase her around until you finally knock her off her dumb little bike. Can't coach that folks.

The Only Thing That I've Learned in History This Semester

Martin Luther and his girl Katharina were ugly mother fuckers. This is what is littering my history book? Did I really pay 140$ just to have the vision of these two bogus looking people boning burned into my memory? Apparently I did.

It's pretty safe to say that I wont be sleeping much tonight. Damn you Martin Luther!

The Weiner Museum in Iceland Finally Has Some Dude's Weiner!

Stop the presses! Hold the phones! Give me another saying like that so I can put it right here! Because the Phallological Museum in Iceland (obviously would be in Iceland) finally has a 95 year old's dick to show front and center in their museum. Phew. Everyone has to read this article. I honestly can't believe that it's real, so click that link.

Hit that "easy" button because I just found the place for my future honeymoon! I'm about to buy tickets to Iceland right now just to see this 8th wonder of the world. I'm not gay either, I just want to meet the guy who collects dicks off of dead animals for a living. Seems like the perfect drinking buddy, except for the fact that he can probably size you up in the blink of an eye.

This Is The Perfect Sumnation Of My Week

Clearly I'm the little girl, and the week is the big ass dog. I was just chillin' totally ready to make this week my bitch (intended pun). I just got effed up this week. Straight face planted right into the ground but you know what? This shit wont take me down. I'm gonna come back stronger. Not sure if that applies to writing a shitty blog, but I guess we'll see, right?

Welp, I Officially Don't Like Coldplay Anymore

Why? Because according to this study, Coldplay fans are least likely to get laid on the first date.   While I wrote that I just simultaneously chucked both of the Coldplay albums that I own straight out the window. Think it might have hit some lady walking by but that's beyond the point. Literally this explains so much. It's like every question I've ever had has finally been answered. Mind = blown.

Check out the full line up of who's getting laid and who's not-

Least likely to go "all the way"
1. Coldplay
2. Adele
3. Lady GaGa
4. Katy Perry
5. Kings of Leon

Most Likely
1. Nirvana 
2. Metallica
3. Linkin Park
4. Kanye West
5. Gorillaz
 

So like how does this possibly work? Yes, I like Coldplay. But I hate Kings of Leon. Kanye West is my boy but he's only a 4 seed? Like do they cancel each other out at least? Can I just pretend to like Nirvana and get some hanky-panky? Shits flawed but I'm willing to put the research in. Experiment starts........now.

I Called That There Were Aliens Last Week

And now the FBI releases this gem of some dude saying what was found at that Roswell crash. There are legit aliens. I called it a while ago. Don't believe me? Here's my tweet from last week (and if you're not following me on Twitter, sucks to be you).

Yeah. I beat the FBI to reporting that there are aliens. They probably saw my tweet and were pissed so they finally decided to release this little piece of paper. Like has anyone else ever beat the FBI to the punch on something? Pretty sure this is some sort of record. That being said, they're probably reading this right now and I just want to say that I appreciate them as a plant appreciates sunlight that's necessary for photosynthesis. 

But seriously, this thing says that the aliens are 3 feet tall. Three. Probably the least intimidating thing I've heard all day. That's literally like as tall as a kid in Kindergarten. I dare them to come after me. I'm gonna straight up laugh in their dumb alien faces all day. Bring it aliens. 

Beat Boxing Chicken Lady

Is it weird that I'm attracted to her? That should probably be a sign that something is wrong, right? Literally would marry this chick in a nano second if she'd chicken beat box for me like every time I shed a frown. Pretty sure it's impossible to be sad during something like this. Textbook work right here by my baby in blue.

How Much Would You Pay For A 55555 License Plate?

I couldn't resist

Apparently, the middle east can fuck with your head. So much so that it'll make you pay 3.7 million dollars to get a "55555" license plate. Am I missing something here? Like okay, I get that it's the number 5 shown five times in a row but like really? Is this really that cool and I'm just off my rocker or something? The only way that I'd pay for something for $3.7 mil is if it was for like Natalie Portman or something. Like think about how many turtle pouches I could get with that kind of cash. Just have an entire army of turtles hanging from my key chain. That would be way cooler that "55555". So to you, guy-who-spent-3.7-million-bucks-on-a-license-plate, take a hike. You're lame.

The Maineiacs Are At It Again

Here I was, figuring today would just be a totally normal day in my life. Little did I know that last Wednesday was monumental. Finally, Maine decided to legalize switchblades for one armed people. Hallelujah!

I say "hallelujah" because now Maine has a purpose and I feel all warm inside for them. Like both of the people living there now are just partying the night away, knowing they'll actually have other people to hang out with for once. Great move by Maine. The population will probably double over there. Before we know it, there will be the Great Maine Migration 2011, and from sea to shining sea, every 3 limbed person will make the trek up to get their switchblade. It'll be like what Florida is for old people, or Disney is for little kids. You just have to go there if you're unfortunate enough to only have one arm. Collect your switchblade, then be on your merry way.

Game. Blouses.

THIS Is Who I Want On My Flight

Forget Richard Simmons and his dumb airline video. This guy is exactly who I want to serve me when I'm chillin' in first class. I know some people hate flying. But is there any better way to start a flight? Pretty sure that rapping out the instructions on what to do would make anyone want to fly. Even if I knew I would be surrounded by like a dozen little babies who would obviously cry the whole time, I'd still totally sign up to fly on this plane.

P.S. Obviously this guy's name is David. Just kinda makes sense.

Someone Out There Has 3 1/2 Months To Get Me This

China is bat-shit crazy, but for some reason I love it. Who else would think it would be a good idea to put turtles and fish in little keychains to have for pets? Easily the best part about this whole thing is that it says that after they day (which is supposedly be a couple of months?) you just pop them in the microwave and then eat them. Boom. Pretty much seals the deal on the coolest thing ever. Like hey- want to have a little pet friend? Okay, here it is. Oh, wait it's dead? Eat the little guy. Just like the perfect situation. I love this with every ounce of my body. Seriously though who knew I had so much in common with China? I thought I was the only one that wanted to have a live turtle in a pouch and put it on my key chain to hang out with. Learn something new everyday.

Somebody, please get me one of these things. My birthday is July 29th. The deadline is set. Make a dream come true folks.

Awesomeness For Your Weekend

Best thing I could've seen before the weekend. Totally sets the mood right. It's literally like an alley-oop and this weekend will just slam the ball down with a reverse slam.

P.S. I'm pretty sure this thing is a platypus of some sort, but I can't tell for sure? Is it a beaver? Maybe he should just tell me what he is.

The "You're Welcome" Moment Of The Week

Just found the website peopleinpizzaslicecostumesbecomingpizzas.com and I literally feel like it's Christmas morning. Just the coolest thing ever. Kinda makes me pissed that I couldn't think of it by myself but that's beyond the point. Whoever thought this up is the top-notch man in my book. A pioneer in the world that is the internet at for that, I salute him (I say him because clearly a woman couldn't make something as cool as this).

Last Time I Checked, It's April

The Sox are 0-5. The normally tranquil streets of Red Sox Nation are now flowing with a mixture of blood, tears, and Yankee fan's pre-cum. But take a break from sacrificing your firstborn to the baseball Gods and take a look at your calendar for a second. Oh, it's April 6th? Yeah that's what mine says too. Chill, it's April.

Like everyone is freaking out. From Bangor to the Cape, people are shitting themselves. Hello? There's 3 bajillion games to go. Like there is literally 5 months of baseball left. As in, a baby could go through the stages of development and then be born. Sure it would be a pre-mature mutant but that's why we have technology. I'm a huge baseball fan. Love that shit. But I don't care if we lose every single game for the first two months, as long as we finish strong the last 3. In my mind, baseball isn't even real unless it's the summer anyways. It fucking snowed on Opening Day. Like, what? Fake life.

And everyone's freaking out about the newbies too. Carl the Great, Gonzo, and even fucking Salta-ya-mama. Why? They're professionals. They're going to get like four thousand at-bats. So they're starting off slowly. Chill. It's April. Once Tito figures out what magical lineup will get the job done, we'll be in the clear. Smooth effing sailing.

It's literally like mayhem has spread through the land and people forgot which direction is up. Just counting these first 5 games as the end-all-be-all. Apparently no one has heard of the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover". Literally like that saying never existed. That's silly to do. Learned that years ago. Don't believe me? Take a step into my time machine.

We're in 2000 now. Thank God we survived that Y2K shit. Phew. Anywho, the Patriots are on the clock with the 199th pick of the 2000 NFL Draft. Who do they pick? This fucking shmuck:

Fuck me, right? Looks like my paperboy, let alone an NFL ready QB.

Okay now let's snap back to reality (half of the people reading this just rapped that line) and now we're back to 2011. 3 time Super Bowl winner. 2 time Super Bowl MVP. 2 time NFL MVP. 5th highest career passer rating of all time. But most importantly, banging Gisele on a nightly basis. That's what this little "paperboy"s resume looks like today. I mean I guess I'll take it.

And if there's one thing that I've personally learned from Sir Thomas is that I will never freak out at the early signs- of anything. Not gonna judge a book by its cover. Not gonna turn my back on the Sox. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

I Want To Say Something Bad About Flula.. Not Possible

This video is so good that I hate it. I want to tear it apart. I want to shit on Flula and his little turtle neck. I want. But can I? No. This video is too fucking awesome. I'm practicing my poodle dance right now. Fuck you Flula.

127 Hours Is Nothing Compared To This Guy

Eff you James Franco. Or whoever it was that legitimately got stuck for 127 hours and had to chop his own arm off. This guy is so much more badass. Why? Because some dude was trapped in a clothing donation bin for 4 hours. Literally think about how nasty that would be. Just chillin' in a pile of used clothes that noone wanted anymore and having no way out. First thing I would do is grab a pen and write out everything that happens so that I could sell it to some production company and make bank. Kinda like a diary, but I'd totally call it a journal because diaries are gay. Here's a sneak peek at what would be written down:

"....... it's hour two. Not sure what time it is in the outside world but I think I can hear some birds chirping. That's reassuring. Oh shit, what was that? Some chick just dropped in an old pair of Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls. The fuck? I didn't even know they made those anymore, let alone anyone that would take them as a donation..."


K

Meet: My Son

Alright so maybe this kid isn't actually Davey Jr. but that's just a minor detail. This kid is the effing man, and if he knows anything, he'll realize that when he hits puberty he has to show 110% of the chicks in his school this video. Automatic handy- at least. 

Lost Springs, Wyoming's Population Is Booming; Watch Out India

I'm surprised the Earth hasn't started to fall out of orbit, because a town called Lost Springs in Wyoming's population has quadrupled in size. Yeah. Quad-effing-drupled man. Wait, but that only makes its population 4? That's literally a smaller population that I had in my house growing up. Might as well have called my house Hansonville and be on our merry way.

Real talk though, I'm definitely moving here. Like even the fact that it's in Wyoming doesn't scare me away from just packing up my things and shipping out to Lost Springs (unintentional rhyme). Now that I accidentally made that rhyme, I think I'm gonna rhyme this post for the rest of the time (intentional rhyme). I'm gonna grab both of the people that read Mom's Leftovers and we're going. We'd be the coolest people there, even cooler than a 747 Boeing. Having a town all to yourself would literally be the effing coolest thing ever. Just gallivanting around because there's no one there named Trevor.

Yeah I thought rhyming would be cool but that was a lie. Shit sucked. Bye.

Dating Advice For You Ladies Out There

Just as I wrote a story about how I found a chick that I definitely wouldn't bring home to meet Momma and Papa Bear, I give my dating advice again today, except this time, for all the ladies out there.


Don't date this guy.

Why? Because the other day he decided it was a good idea to shit all over his girlfriends door, and then light it on fire. Quality. Just an all around good-guy. But like seriously, there's no way of getting around this one. Like I'm pretty sure that for some things you can make up a pretty decent excuse. You can't really make up an excuse for trapping your pregnant girlfriend inside her apartment while her shit covered door is on fire. Good luck in court there buddy guy!

Another Creation Of The Day

Zombie Apple running shit. His victim was an unsuspecting banana. Never Forget. R.I.P Banana.