Last Time I Checked, It's April

The Sox are 0-5. The normally tranquil streets of Red Sox Nation are now flowing with a mixture of blood, tears, and Yankee fan's pre-cum. But take a break from sacrificing your firstborn to the baseball Gods and take a look at your calendar for a second. Oh, it's April 6th? Yeah that's what mine says too. Chill, it's April.

Like everyone is freaking out. From Bangor to the Cape, people are shitting themselves. Hello? There's 3 bajillion games to go. Like there is literally 5 months of baseball left. As in, a baby could go through the stages of development and then be born. Sure it would be a pre-mature mutant but that's why we have technology. I'm a huge baseball fan. Love that shit. But I don't care if we lose every single game for the first two months, as long as we finish strong the last 3. In my mind, baseball isn't even real unless it's the summer anyways. It fucking snowed on Opening Day. Like, what? Fake life.

And everyone's freaking out about the newbies too. Carl the Great, Gonzo, and even fucking Salta-ya-mama. Why? They're professionals. They're going to get like four thousand at-bats. So they're starting off slowly. Chill. It's April. Once Tito figures out what magical lineup will get the job done, we'll be in the clear. Smooth effing sailing.

It's literally like mayhem has spread through the land and people forgot which direction is up. Just counting these first 5 games as the end-all-be-all. Apparently no one has heard of the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover". Literally like that saying never existed. That's silly to do. Learned that years ago. Don't believe me? Take a step into my time machine.

We're in 2000 now. Thank God we survived that Y2K shit. Phew. Anywho, the Patriots are on the clock with the 199th pick of the 2000 NFL Draft. Who do they pick? This fucking shmuck:

Fuck me, right? Looks like my paperboy, let alone an NFL ready QB.

Okay now let's snap back to reality (half of the people reading this just rapped that line) and now we're back to 2011. 3 time Super Bowl winner. 2 time Super Bowl MVP. 2 time NFL MVP. 5th highest career passer rating of all time. But most importantly, banging Gisele on a nightly basis. That's what this little "paperboy"s resume looks like today. I mean I guess I'll take it.

And if there's one thing that I've personally learned from Sir Thomas is that I will never freak out at the early signs- of anything. Not gonna judge a book by its cover. Not gonna turn my back on the Sox. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.