I'm Almost Positive That 3rd Graders Write for Pro Football Talk Because They Think Gisele Is Going To Give Birth To A Grill

This is a decently reliable source, right? I've definitely heard people report stuff before talking about PFT before. And slapping that NBC Sports logo around isn't helping their case. The funny thing about this is that when I read this I only saw the "grill" part and was totally happy with shitting on this writer for messing up. Then I re-read that entire sentence and realized that this is one of the worst sentences of all time.

Dude Gets Bored During His Lunch Breaks; Decides To Slow Down Nicki Minaj Songs To See What They Sound Like. Turns Out She Sounds Alot Like A Gay Version Of Jay-Z

This just solidifies the fact that every single thing on this earth is far better slowed down. It's like the whole everything-in-a-baby-version-is-cute thing, except for everything in existence. Wanna see water balloons getting thrown at a Japanese guy's face? Slow-mo. Some dude get hit in the balls by his asshole kid learning how to swing a baseball bat? Slow-mo.  By far the best part about this whole thing is the fact that he named this slowed-down, wiener-wielding version of Nicki Minaj "Nicholas Minjayz". Kind of unsettling that I would probably still touch whatever that creature is in the picture next to the songs, but it's probably just a phase. I mean that thing is kinda hot, right? Definitely a solid 6.

We're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Grab the Tupperware tub filled with lasagna out of the fridge and put it in the microwave- Mom's Leftover's is back! Back to posting random shit you need to see, and people shitting on me for not being funny! I'm excited. Mase is clearly excited. Let's get to it.

Victor Cruz's Salsa Dance Is Going To Be In The Next Madden?

Madden will never ever be the same. It's not even about the game anymore, really. Just who can do the best touchdown dance. Honestly, football is football. It's a man's sport. People get hit, people get hurt, people get mad. But childish dancing after scoring a touchdown? This is turning the game into a poor excuse for the title of a 'sports' game. Are you kidding me, Madden?!

TAKE ALL MY MONEY! This is honestly the best thing Madden has ever done since they decided to not let Madden say a word during the game. If other player's celebrations are put in here, it's game fucking over. I'm gonna be doing the Discount Double-Check (please don't sue me, State Farm) until my eyes bleed.

I solemnly swear right now that if your Be A Pro player can create his own dance moves, I'll actually play out every single one of the pointless practices that the game has. That's a promise.

Special, Live Look At Me After That Bruins Game!

These African Dudes' Parody Of N***** In Paris Is Almost Too Good

First off, I'm going to give these African guys a break on the fact that N****s In Paris peaked in popularity like 3 months ago. I'm no radio wave scientist here, but I'm assuming that the song finally hit the coast of Africa, so can't fault them there. But all bullshit aside, this video has taught me more about Africa than I had ever known. Completely thrown every conception I've had of Africa and made them misconceptions. Like where are those little kids bathing in trash heaps that I should donate 10 cents a day to so that they die in 4 days instead of 1? Where are all the "Miami Heat: 2011 World Champions!!!!!!!" shirts that these kids should be wearing? They have electricity now?! I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but this video pretty much shows that Africa is just like America, but with a lot less Mexicans.. and I'm okay with that.*

*Lo sentimos, los mexicanos! Yo no soy racista, lo juro. Me gusta que ustedes. Usted tiene una gran comida. Al igual que los tacos!

MissTravel.com Has Changed My Life Forever

                   

The crazy thing about this is that I was just sitting at home today crying beautiful tears out of my beautiful eyes because sometimes it's just hard to be beautiful. It's tough to walk by a mirror and hear it whisper your name. It's hard to have the beautiful beard hairs that you shaved off literally follow you around because they miss your beautiful face. I can't even cut my toenails without feeling bad anymore because they're just so fucking sexy. But as my tears fell to the ground and created little pools of wet love; I heard it. I heard MissTravel come through my laptop speakers like God himself trumpeting down from the heavens. This is it. This is my knight in shining armor. This is my calling. To travel around the world, just me and my attractive body; seeing all the sights, eating all the eats, and shopping all the shops. I now have meaning. I am now, MissTravel.

Bear Grylls Throwing Out The First Pitch At A Dodgers Game Had To Have Been The Least Exciting Thing I've Seen All Week

*I just wanna preface this by saying that this is easily the worst thing I've seen all week, and I've watched every game the Red Sox have played in so far.. so, yeah.*

Talk about a fall from grace, huh? I mean shit, for a dude that's literally been in the special forces, climbed Mount Everest, and is named Bear, this has to be the worst fucking first pitch of all time. Like, lighting the ball on fire using a lighter? First off, if Bear Grylls is gonna light something on fire, the last thing he should use is a lighter. Who is that even supposed to impress anyways, cavemen? He should've stuck to his roots here and just pissed all over the ball, caught a poisonous snake with his teeth, made mittens out of said snake's skin, peed all over his new mittens, and then light shit on fire. What a joke.

My President Is Cooler Than Your President Even Though We Probably Have The Same President

I have the weirdest boner right now.

The Only Thing Worse Than A Pitbull Biting Off Your Nose Is The Fact That You Have To Wear This On Your Face For A While

Talk about a fucking tease, huh? I'm willing to bet that this was the absolute slowest news day in the history of news days for NBC Chicago, and then this guy has the balls to not show his chewed off nose? You fucking kidding me dude? You're having your ugly, allegedly noseless face all over Mom's Leftovers and you don't even have the courtesy to take off the face mask that makes it look like you're protecting yourself from SARS? The NERVE! Doesn't he know I have a shitty blog that nobody reads to keep up?! Asshole.

I Already Love This Guy In My Fantasy Baseball League And The Draft Hasn't Even Started Yet..

I'll tell you this right now because I like you, fantasy sports is like my own version of running of the bulls. Happens every year, and I get way, waaaay to excited about it, only to get heartbroken and mauled to death on the streets by an angry horned animal. All this being said, I almost want to quit this league I just signed up for. This dude 'frank case' has to be the odds on favorite with a team name like that, and it's not even close. Here I am, thinking I'm a clever motherfucker with my team name being "Ryan Braun's Urine", and this dude is warning us that an entire race is about to take over the game of baseball all the while not capitalizing a fucking thing. Making a statement before any of us lace up our virtual cleats and take the virtual field to do nothing but crunch pointless numbers for the next 6 months. Fuck.

Jose Canseco Tweets His Condolences To Dead Al Gore. Too Bad Al Gore Is Very Much Alive

Well this has to count for something, right? I mean you don't see Bill Clinton tweeting this shit, and that dude brought him to the White House. And obviously, people are absolutely ripping apart Canseco for this but I mean other than the minor detail of Al Gore not being dead, there's nothing wrong with telling him to rest in peace, right? It could mean anything! Maybe Canseco meant to capitalize the 'p' and he was talking about his favorite stripper named Peace that he banged out in the 80's. The world may never know.

This Tree Has So Much Game, I Can't Even Stand It

If you were to tell me at the start of this video that every single second of its 2:28 duration was spent watching this girl hook up with a tree, I'd call you a liar and a fool. Welp, call me Mary and slap on a bonnet*, because I was dead fucking wrong! This video is 95% of the way there to making me a full blown hippie. My only problem is that the tree is clearly not getting enough credit here. Sure, people may say she's drunk. Yeah, she could be tripping on acid, but let's get real for a second here- have you ever seen this before? Probably not. Have you ever seen this particular tree before? Probably not. If she was drunk/high, she could have chosen the tree right next to it. There's no coincidence here. Therefore, this tree must have some sort of crazy tree pickup lines that's taken years to master. I'm no scientist, but there are your facts.

Also, totally a bitch move by not finishing the job on the tree. I was a cub scout once, but I was a cub scout long enough to realize that a tree's blue balls are the worst kind of blue balls there are.

* NOTE: I have no idea what 'call me Mary and slap on a bonnet' is supposed to mean. I wrote it in the heat of the moment. Fuck you.

What's More Impressive Than Seeing A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters? A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters That's 7'8" And Can Dunk Without Jumping

Today is a glorious day in White Man History (although this video was uploaded 5 days ago). Not only is this guy probably the first and last white man to be in the Harlem Globetrotters, but he has successfully became the first guy to ever have 'white man' and 'Harlem' in the same sentence, without it being an excerpt from an obituary! It's a glorious day indeed.

P.S. Not sure what was up with that pulling on the hoop shit after he dunked. Must be some kind of ritual that giants do?

Australian Chick Wins $10,000 From Some Australian Morning Show, Immediately Drops The F-Bomb On Live TV

First thing's first, chick on the left at like the :22 second point can get it any day of the week, even holidays. Perfect mix of professionalism and hotness. Second thing's second, this had to have been the least excited "Are you fucking serious?" of all time. I've listened to it about 15 times now and I'm completely convinced that   it sounds just like it would if someone told her they were dumping her, or if Tony Montana cremated her cat and snorted it. It's the weirdest thing ever. I'd bet you $10,000 that if I won $10,000 I would say $10,000 worth of swears in the first sentence alone and probably face $10,000 worth of fines. So if there are any network television morning shows reading this right now, call my bluff. I dare you.

Remember That Guy That Made The KONY 2012 Video That Everyone Cared About For 12 Seconds? He Just Got Arrested For Being Shitfaced And Jacking Off In Public

Article can be found here.  When all this shit started, I was just like everyone else. Thinking 'ohhh this is cool, let's all put up posters and save an African country that I know nothing about!', and just like everyone else again, I didn't do shit about it. And then the reports came out that this dude's company, Invisible Children was bullshit and he was keeping a bunch of the money to himself, blah blah blah.

But after this shit not only am I 100% on board with strangling Kony myself, but I'm booking a flight to Uganda (if they have an airport) as I type this. Because at the end of the day, I'm not an easy guy to get respect from. I'm like the German judge in an Olympic diving competition. You have to earn that 10.0, and I'm crazy enough to give you a 6.8. That being said, the one, indisputable way to crawl onto my good side is this little recipe:

1 pinch of getting caught drinking in public at 11:30 AM
1 tablespoon of having neighbors watch you in 'various stages of undress' while you're in the middle of the road, drunk as shit
1 teaspoon of public masturbation
and 6 blowjobs.

Obviously this dude missed out on the blowjobs thing but hey, can't be perfect, right?

Is There A Video That Sums Up The Internet Better Than This One Does?

If aliens see this video, we're completely fucked.

Dude Gets Called Fat By His 5 Year Old Daughter And Her Friends. Here Is His Heartfelt Message To Them

In this narcissistic, cut-throat world we live in, it's easy to forget the power of words. We're all human. Words can hurt. 

Crack Head Decides To Do A Backflip Off The Roof Of A Two Story House For $1, Things Go Much Better Than Expected.... Just Kidding He's Probably Dead.

Aaaand let's get the scores from the judges! But seriously, if this is the kind of shit that you can convince a crackhead to do, it's kind of amazing that Whitney Houston lasted as long as she did, right? Like it astounds me that she died from a motel bathtub. So although she died, I'd chalk that up as a win.

I don't think I've ever seen a better example of Tebowing, either. Dude probably broke bones that he didn't even have, but does he give a fuck? Nope. Just Tebows like a boss... twice.

All this being said, sucks he didn't earn that dollar. Sure he might have got it out of pity, but he's gonna have to live the rest of his crack head life knowing that he didn't deserve that one dollar at all. Like if he has testicles left to produce semen, and one day he's lucky enough to put the semen in a girls vagina and kids pop out, he can't tell this story. Just can't be done. Because once he brings up the glorious moment that he won a dollar from his neighbor in the projects, all his kids will want to know how he did it. How Daddy pulled off a miraculous landing. How he re-wrote history, one jump at a time. What's he gonna say? "Wait, I don't have kids.... THIS CRACK IS THE BOMB YO!!!!!"

Dude Swishes One Of The Best Basketball Trick Shots I've Ever Seen!

Bravo sir! Bravo! You sure showed all those haters that say white people suck at basketball! Seriously though, is this the video with the most accurate racial stereotypes of all time? White kid wearing a hollister shirt during gym class. White kid fixes his hair the second after he's told the camera is rolling. White kid misses a basketball hoop by about 29 feet and drills another white kid in the head. Black kid comes literally out of nowhere with a perfectly timed "DAAAAAAMN!" and then disappears into thin air. All we need is an Asian doing math homework and we have ourselves history.

Happy Black History Month, Everyone!

"I have a dream that one day, a man of color will rise up, and wear a washcloth over his junk and dance around on the internet while the N-word is repeated over and over! I have a dream!" - Martin Luther King Jr.

What Do You Think Happens To This Bird That Landed In A Lion Cage At The Zoo?

I never thought I'd see the day, but I honestly think that birds may just be cockier than cats. Like.. they can fucking fly. Kind of a big deal when you're the only type of animal in the world that can soar around the sky and swoop like it aint shit. But then little fucking Zazu over here thinks he's tough enough to go hang out with his old friends from the cast of the Lion King, then BOOM. Nala don't play like that mother fucker!

If This Giant Pile Of Trash That's Visible From Google Earth Doesn't Get This Dude Laid, I Don't Know What Is

I'm no swagologist, but this just oozes swag. Nothing says marriage material quite like having trash flood out of your house into your backyard to the point where satellites can see them. Dude is the absolute alpha male of his neighborhood. Undisputed heavyweight champion of his street. My only question is how quickly does it take for chicks to climax? Has to be instantaneous, right? The possibility of fucking ontop of a mound of trashy trash is making me tingle in places it shouldn't tingle, so I can't even imagine actually witnessing it first hand. 

This must be why I'm single. Nice.

And The Best Dad Of The Year Award Goes To.... The Guy Who Played Porn At His Kid's Birthday Party When They All Wanted To Watch The Smurfs!

Article from the Standard-Examiner (whatever the hell that is), can be found here. 

Honestly, this dude can talk about how "someone must have tampered with the DVD I rented!" and "it was an accident" until the cows come home, but who the fuck is he kidding? I mean not only was it 100% on purpose, but it sneaky may be the greatest birthday present to a kid of all time. Think about it. Until he dies, this Dad is gonna be the absolute coolest Dad in town. Little Jimmy is gonna grow up and people will want to hang out with him just because they're Dad is cool as fuck and let his kids watch people procreate. And don't even get me started on the fact that this shit was on a projector. This stuff is legendary. Wouldn't be surprised if it comes out at little Jimmy's wedding toast either. 

P.S. I can't help but wonder if the porn was just humans fucking or Smurfs fucking.. like if it were Smurfs bumping their little smurfy parts into Smurfette, this would have to be the greatest story of all time, right? Today is Valentine's Day and my brain is littered with shit like this. Fuck me.

Sticker Designer Extraordinaire Herbie Pulgar Gets Snubbed Like A Motherfucker By The City Of Chicago

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know any more about stickers than you do, but trust me when I say that I know talent when I see it. It's kinda like how God gives people good looks and fortune, except he realized he didn't give me either of those attributes, so he gave me an eye for talent. Let me tell you this, I'm surprised my boy Herbie went the mellow route and just decided to cry. I'd be throwing shit at the walls like my name was Coco the monkey. The professionalism, dedication, and pure unadulterated skill this little bulls fan showed can't be beat. Plus, he managed to draw a nearly flawless heart, which everyone knows is impossible.

Dude Pretends To Be A Cop To Get Hookers To Bang Him, Real Cops Less Than Pleased When They Catch Him

I read this article and I feel like I had to make some sort of a public service announcement. I owe it to you guys. So here it is: if you want to get laid, dress up as a cop. Fuck hookers. Don't get caught. Simple as that.

Okay but seriously, how in the world is this shit illegal? Last time I checked this was America, right? Our forefathers fought hard as shit to make this the "Land of the free, home of the fake-cop-gimmick-that-you-can-use-to-fuck-hookers". That was in the Constitution right? I think it was. And since it was, there is a -15% chance that this guy should get any type of punishment. Wouldn't want to let down Benny Franklin and Thomas Jefferson.

This Elephant Seems Like A Nice Guy

$10 says that this elephant is dead as fuck right now, but if there's anything this video proves, it's that this is easily the nicest elephant in all of the Animal Kingdom. Yeah, he might have pretty much knocked this dude out and shit, but the fact that he didn't take a step on his dumb human face speaks wonders. Like have you even seen Jumanji? All the elephants were pure assholes. Stomping on cars and shit like it aint nothin'.

Fuck this CGI elephant. And fuck its dumb family too.

Cats Are So Fucking Two Faced, I Can't Even Stand It

                           

Fuck cats. One minute, they're your best friend, next minute, they're clawing you to death while you sleep. Now they have this freak of feline fur to blame for every cat being a two faced douche. Fucking cats.

Some Old Bitch Says Nintendo Is The Reason She Keeps Her Brain 'Sharp'

Oh, really Kit? The 'brain game' says your brain is as smart as a 64 year old? And you're PROUD of that?! I honestly wouldn't show my face anywhere, let alone put a video up on Youtube if I had a body that was 36 years older than my brain. Do you realize the technology we have today? I guarantee you we'll see people who are at least 112 years old doing flips and shit at the Olympics this summer. Not impressed.

Also, how 'sharp' is a 64 year old brain in the first place? What's considered 'sharp' here? If you can tell whether or not it's nighttime or daytime? Fucking joke. Stop wasting my batteries, Grandma, and start knitting me shit.

This Dude Makes Me Want To Give Birth So Badly, I Can Almost Taste It.. But Not Really Because I Think That Would Be Gross

Seriously, this guy needs a Purple Heart or whatever medal is given out for being the fucking man. Like before he grabbed the mic and went off, you can just tell that this room had as much fun in it as a concentration camp. It had to be. You know shit is bad when a legless chick (I'm rolling with it because I don't see any evidence of legs there) is literally about to create a brand new human being to run amok on the face of this earth, and she's just chilling on Facebook. Yikes. No TV. One other chick there for support. And then BAM, heart monitor to the fucking rescue!

I'm curious though- what's your favorite verse in this whole thing? Gotta be when he completely changes the dynamic of the song and throws in the delayed "mirror." line in there. Didn't see that one coming but I definitely didn't hate it.

These Are The Only 42 Seconds You Needed To Watch Of The Golden Globes Last Night

No, I'm not ashamed that I watched the Golden Globes last night. Yes, Ricky Gervais killed it. No, there weren't enough jokes about it being the 69th Golden Globes. Yes, I gave you the by far funniest line of the night so that you can go show your friends. Maybe Seth Rogen is the funniest guy in the world, maybe he was just being completely honest.

Asian Dude Blows Chunks All Over The Stage During Drum Solo, Doesn't Give A Fuck

First off, I don't know what the deal is with the recent influx of Asians here on Mom's Leftovers either, so don't even ask. But one thing I do know is that they're miles and miles ahead of our Caucasian brotherhood when it comes to viral videos.

This dude couldn't give less of a fuck and I absolutely love it. What's the one way to top your own kick-ass drum solo? Show everyone what you ate for dinner. Bam. Power move by my boy who's name I'm assuming is Konichiwa! Show 'em how it's done!

P.S. Who does the frizzy haired chick in the green think she is leaving her seat to go stare at Konichiwa like he's an alien? Uhh newsflash- he meant for that to happen. Fuckin' chicks, man. Always trying to be the center of attention.

The Funniest Video Of An Asian Reporter Screaming On A Slide You'll See All Day

$10 says the World Champion Masturbator was at the bottom. I'd scream too.

Apparently If You Don't Know That Beyonce Is Married To Jay-Z, You'll Get Stabbed By This Guy

Meet Ronald Deaver. The guy who stabbed another dude on New Years for not knowing that Jay-z and Beyonce were a thing. Umm, hello? All he did was stab him? How is this even illegal? Not knowing they biggest couple in the history of couples is a couple should be illegal. The victim should just be thankful that he didn't get castrated on live TV while eating glass. That's me being nice when it comes to what someone should go through if they were as stupid as Mr. Idiot over there.

Adrianne Curry Just TwitPic'd Her Way Into My Heart

Soo, this just happened..

Adrianne Curry, (@adriannecurry) promised that if/when she got to 300 thousand followers on Twitter, she'd tweet a picture of her boobies... and she did. Kinda makes me think of what I would do for 300 thousand followers, but I don't even want to see myself naked soo I'm willing to bet that noone else does. Gotta love the fact that she actually had balls to do this though. And by balls of course I mean awesome body and a railing to lean on. Here's the picture, but with hearts over them because I said so, and anyways it's probably illegal for me to have this up on here anyways but since I love both of my readers, here you go. Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and happy Labor Day. I think that should cover it.

P.S. Is it bad that I'm really just wondering if she fell off the railing after this? I'll update this if she ever responds to my tweet, but here's proof that I really want to know what happened after this picture was taken. Investigating at its finest.

Brothel In Nevada Starts A "Pimpin For Paul" Campaign Because They Like Ron Paul. I Think Ron Paul Just Got My Vote

If you ever told me that I would be sitting in my kitchen eating nachos and writing a blog post about Ron Paul, I'd probably spit in your face and steal your lunch money. But this has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Shit is a minefield of quotes that are solid gold:

"We thought real closely about supporting New Gingrich -- because he's a cheater -- and we like cheaters," Hof added. 


And the quote that has practically nothing to with anything but made me die laughing:

"A lot of them supported Obama last time," Hof said. "But because he signed a bill allowing for human consumption of wild horses... the girls don't want any part of Obama." 


So there it is. Just like that, Ron Paul gained my vote, and Nevada brothel chicks don't like to eat wild horses. The more you know.

99 Year Old Dude Divorces His Wife Of 77 Years Because She Cheated On Him In The 1940's. This Happened.

(Note: this isn't actually the couple in question, but it's probably the couple in question)

This article can't be real, right? Assuming that this story is legitimate and not an April Fools joke that's months late, first things first, fuck the haters on this one. Like this bitch got caught red handed with letters? What does that even mean? Was she olden day sexting? Just tossing out letters to the world saying how she was showing her ankles in her bedroom then wait for like two weeks to get a response because it took the messenger boy that long to deliver the responses? Fuck that. My boy Antonio C. is totally justified here. Divorce that 96 year old bitch and hop back on the bachelor lifestyle for the 6 months that he has left. Power move.