Raise Your Hand If You Want To See 5,000 Pounds Of Fireworks Exploding Simultaneously!

Uhh so is it too late to sign me up to be a cop? I don't care what the academy has to do to me.. taze me, mase me, water board me, make me lick an old ladies bunions for hours on end (terrible imagery right there, my bad)- sign me the eff up. Really won't wanna be "that guy" but maybe once I'm in I can point out that blowing up 2.5 tons of confiscated fireworks would have looked infinitely cooler at night.. or maybe waiting to do this on the 4th of July instead of the 1st. Another classic case of New Yorkers messing things up once again.

Are These Stats Serious Right Now?

Alright so one of my all time favorite things about having this shitty blog is reading the stats of how people found Mom's Leftovers, where they're from, and what they viewed it on. I don't know why but that shit makes my metaphorical dick metaphorically move. I eat it up. But now, I'm confused. Take a look at that picture above. It's showing what people typed into Google that made them end up here. I was just reading it being like
"Oh okay yeah people wanna read about those giant fucking rats, alright... Kenny the retarded white tiger, good stuff."
But then shit just got weird. People literally googled "mom skullfucked" and "mother take a shit", which brought them here? I kinda feel bad. Clearly these dudes were crazy psycho paths that get off to mothers shitting I guess? Must have made their wieners wicked sad when they realized that Mom's Leftovers isn't a giant heaping mound of some lady's dookie. My bad guys. Try again.

People Get Stuck On A Roller Coaster For 6 1/2 Hours- Strikes Up The Question Of What The Hell Is There To Do While You're Stuck On A Broken Down Roller Coaster For 6 1/2 Hours

Alright so I've got to be honest when I say that this story isn't all that interesting. It's just the classic roller-coaster-breaks-down-and-people-are-trapped-there-for-six-and-a-half-hours blah blah blah deal. What I can't stop thinking about is what they did in that time? There's only so much weather to talk about. Like:
"You see that cloud?" 
"Yep." 
"Hope it doesn't rain."
"Ya."
Just gets old after a while. Best part of this whole thing, though? According to the article, two chicks were crying the entire time. Uh, hello? I smell bullshit. One, because I'm pretty sure that if that were the case, she'd be all dried up by nightfall. Kinda like SpongeBob when he went to Sandy's for the first time and was too much of a pussy to admit that he needed to live underwater.

Second, I can't believe noone was hurt. Not because of faulty equipment or anything, but because of the willingness to jump off that thing. Listen, if I was stranded on that thing surrounded by crying bitches it would have taken me at the most, 20 minutes until I just unbuckle myself and be off on my merry way to falling on someone standing unsuspectingly on the ground. Simple as that.

I Think I'm In Like With The Hot Dog Eating Contest

Is there anything more american than watching some dudes devour processed meat? SPOILER ALERT: nope. The only thing I hate about the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is that it can't be held every single day for the rest of my life. I love this shit so much that I'm going through withdraws right now. There's nothing more heroic than what Joey Chestnut does year after year. Look, by body certainly isn't what it used to be. If my body was a temple, it would have been burned down by villagers by the time I hit puberty. I can't eat two hot dogs now without feeling like I'm gonna make some art all over the floor. Homeboy here ate 62. Joey Chestnut is an american hero. Someone give this dude a bushel of pussy. God knows he's deserved it.

PS- Imagine being that dude to the left of Chestnut that ate 56 and still didn't win? That would be worse than me going up there and eating 1.5 and then leaving after like 12 seconds. What's the point when you're going up against the greatest to ever play eat the game.

Why Are People Calling This Thing Lucky?

Let me start out by saying that I absolutely hate squirrels. They're literally like the animal version of AIDS. Can't get rid of them, and they're everywhere. That's not even the reason why I think it would have been way better for this little guy to get smashed to bits by that Lambo. I think it was a poor move all around by dodging it to be honest. Dude's a squirrel. By default he's already gonna end up in Hell (no squirrels in Heaven) so why not try to be one of the most badass Hell squirrels to ever die. He legit could've  been an absolute stud down there. Getting his nuts rubbed till they were hairless. But now that he dodged that sex on wheels, all he can look forward to is getting hit by a fucking 1992 Honda Civic that at one point was kinda sorta, but definitely not really cool looking... aka this:

So congrats, Mr. Squirrely. You just made the absolute worst decision of your stupid life.