Biggie Smalls Makes A Baby Calm The Fuck Down

I'm disgustingly envious of this little flesh ball. It's not even because this video is cute as fuck or anything, either. This kid is gonna grow up, and always have this video to look back on. Just gonna be able to whip this thing out to anyone that this little guy ever dates. What do I have? A fucking 3 second video on VHS of me drooling all over myself in my car seat. The only thing that video is making wet is my one year old self's face. Automatic turn off. So honestly, fuck this kid. I wanted to root for you bro, but you're just a selfish prick. 

High, Granny!

First off, how fucking clever is the title of this blog? Hahahahahah! "High, Granny!" It's funny because it's a pun on the word hi/high!! Get it?! Because when people say hello to their grandma, people say hi, but since this woman is definitely high off drugs, I wrote "high" instead of "hi"!!!! Where the fuck do I come up with this stuff?!

Seriously though, this woman is a beacon of hope for not only the people who are already old and senile, but all of us that's just living until we get to be old and senile. Because at the end of the day, this shit is wifey material. There's nothing I want more out of a spouse than to get high as fuck when you realize that you're old and life sucks. Going down in a blaze of hallucinogenic glory. Love it. Love her. Love old people (but not really).

One Word: Baconlube

Just when I thought my Christmas list was all set in stone, here comes (cums?) Baconlube to fuck everything up. Honestly, I don't even like bacon that much. But the fact that I can now put it all over my dick makes it irresistible. Simple as that. And don't even give me the whole "ohh but Dave, it's not like you'd even use it anyways, blah blah blah" bullshit either. It's not about using it. It's about having the option to use it.

I've never been much of a smooth talker, but I'd have to imagine that if a chick knew you were packing some Baconlube on you, it would be downright impossible to not seal the deal. Gotta be the best lube in the game, right? Mainly because they haven't made Moneylube yet for all the whores to freak out over.

P.S. Is that Kelly Kapowski?! It totally is! Saved By The Baconlube! 

Holy Heaven!

Meet the sloths from Lucy Cooke on Vimeo.

See, this is why I'm a Christian. If shit like this actually exists on our fucked up Earth, why not put all my chips in and hope to go to heaven? This has got to be a bad day in heaven, right? I'm worked up right now. Gonna go pray, give money to poor people, and keep not having sex.

Today Is Nation Men Make Dinner Day.. Take A Wild Guess At What I Won't Be Doing Today

This is a joke, right? There are people all around the world fighting for our country and women have the balls to try and pull something like this? Seriously? What more do they want from us? Do they want me to end this sentence with a question mark like the last four? Women are pricks. It's been that way since day 1, and it will be that way until I say so. What more do they want from us? First women objectify us by putting us on the cover of the best rolls of paper towels in the world:

Then they piss and moan about how Barbie was a shitty role model for girls. That her dimensions aren't physically possible even if she's from Pandora. Blah blah blah. That she's too hot and dudes would constantly just make her naked and keep them under their pillow at night. Wait, that was just me? Whatever.

Do they realize what we had to go through everyday? What we were expected to grow up and look like?

Fuck He-Man dude. I remember chicks in elementary school that would bring in a fully decked out He-Man to the playground everyday. Fully decked out with weapons and mystical creatures that he rode like a champ. Then, they'd just degrade the shit out of us. Making fun of our concave pecks. Saying our quads don't look like tree trunks, and our calfs don't look like quads. It was horeshit. So fuck chicks. Make me a sandwhich.