At Least Dan Johnson's Home Run Hit A Dude In The Nuts?

Yay?

Dude Who Used To Fuck A Dolphin When He Was In College Is Now 60 And Wrote A Book About How Awesome It Was When He Used To Fuck A Dolphin In College

Is this the fucking Truman Show right now? Am I getting punk'd here? Because if there is anything in this world that is absolutely fake, it has to be this article, right? Dude named Malcolm would go into the aquarium to take pictures of a dolphin and would just boink her all day long in the span of 9 months until it died because it had a broken heart after being transferred to another aquarium, then he tells both of his wives and they don't give a shit? I don't care that that was a run-on sentence. Rules clearly don't matter anymore if this story is even 4% real. I'm literally dumbfounded right now. I have too many questions:

-What the hell is the foreplay like for that shit? Just do that little dolphin laugh thing and make her all wet even though it's a dolphin that's in water so it's wet already anyways?

-What position do you attack a dolphin from? Reverse cowgirl or something?

-Did he wrap that shit up before he went to town?

-Is this where mermaids come from? Random dudes go and splooge inside of a dolphin and before you know it you got a chick with a tail and a coconut bikini hanging out on a rock all day?

 Lackey could go out and pitch a no hitter 4 days in a row and I would be less surprised. But I mean I guess good for him? Like I'd love to knock him but you don't see me fucking a dolphin. No way I could even come close to getting it in with even a shitty turtle, let alone a dolphin. Fuck. My life sucks.


P.S. Is it weird that this is making me really want to go see "Dolphin Tale 3D" now? That's normal, right?

I Need The New World's Smallest Woman In My Posse Right Now

Big shout out to Bridgette Jordan who just won her way way into my heart by becoming the new Guinness world record holder for smallest chick. The only thing I'm pissed at is the fact that she didn't win World's Greatest Wing Girl. Like can you stop and think for a second about how good of a wing girl this chick would be? Just stick her up on your shoulder and you're good to go. You see a hot girl? Place Bridgette on the bar and have her waddle across and tell her how awesome of a dude you are. Like who in their right mind would dare to ignore a chick that's 2 feet tall? You HAVE to respond to a real-life Jiminy Cricket. 

Best part about it? Bridgette is a perfect plan B if you can't pick anyone up. Think about how big your shlong would look when she grabs it with her tiny little baby grip!

Hello?! That mouse looks like a fucking SUV! Sign me the fuck up so my meat stick looks like a train! Call me Bridgette! Help a brother out babe! 

Greatest Headline Ever?

My brain hurts. Biggest dilemma of the day, bar none. Should I feel bad for this "Sex Dwarf" for getting the shit eaten out of him by a fucking badger, or should I just keep laughing? Like I'm honestly struggling here. I mean, there's really nothing all that funny about death, and I get that. Dying wouldn't be a good day at all. But I mean when a midget porn star that impersonates a celebrity chef that yells at people all the time on Food Network gets eaten by a fucking badger, you have to laugh, right? Is this a test from God to make sure we're still paying attention or something? Or was he bored so he figured he'd just feed a porn midget to a badger for shits and giggles on a boring Thursday? If the second choice is the right one, how can anyone not be a christian? Like you can't draw up a better God than one that just feeds porn star midgets to badgers for the hell of it. Can't be done.

P.S. How fucking awkward is that funeral gonna be? What's gonna happen, "Diamond Starr" stands up there and starts talking about how good this little guy was when he was fisting the hell out of her butt hole in "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go- Part 2"? Yay...?

P.P.S. Best part about all of this is that I didn't even make up the "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go" part. Our little homeboy here starred in that. Heroic.

Lady Gaga Without Makeup On The Cover Of Bazaar Just Made My Wiener Run Away

And can you honestly blame him? I wouldn't even hold it against him if he never returned either. Just hung out (pun intended) with all the other runaway dicks that had the misfortune of seeing these pictures too. I hope he's on the beach somewhere playing bocce with the other sad wieners.

Honestly I would pay to un-see this shit in a heart beat. Too bad life doesn't work like that. Now all I have to look forward to is either getting old and forgetting all about Lady Gaga without makeup, or get in some kind of accident that gives me massive head trauma and blocks this creature out forever. Fingers crossed.