Fucking Asians

First off, let me just let both of you readers out there know that I felt nauseous after watching this. We have this whole honesty thing going on right now, so I'm gonna be honest with you. I had to go take a lap around my house bumping into things left and right just to make sure I could still feel things. This shit was numbing. I had no idea what to think. Once I saw that this dude's record was just about at the 10 hour mark, I lost it. How is that even possible? Pretty sure your dick would either catch on fire or just melt. But maybe when you have a stereotypical Asian wiener, it's easier to navigate?

But honestly, my all time favorite moment of this whole thing was at 1:50 - 1:55. Arguably the greatest five seconds in YouTube history. Dude's spankin' it on the bean bag chair while his cat hops around like it's Christmas morning. Like does the cat know what's going on? The cat must know.

The cat knows. 

What Do You Think The Drug Of Choice Is For This Real Life Michael Scott?

I'm going on the record here saying that there is something wrong with the world if homeboy here isn't an internet sensation by next week. This is almost too good to be true. Like a part of me doesn't want to believe that this is real. Kinda wanna just sit back and accept that this is some dude's impression of Michael Scott before he left The Office. 

But yeah, I'm totally guessing cocaine.

This Hockey Guy With A Strange Name Can Skate Around On Ice For My Entertainment Anyday!

Here's the thing; I like hockey. I really do. Definitely my 3rd favorite sport. But the absolute, number 1 thing that I don't like about it is the fucked up names. Impossible to remember, impossible to pronounce. Half of the time when I'm watching the game, I think I'm about to see Pokemon about to appear and fight to the death because the announcer yells "KHABIBULIN!!!!!". Nope, just some dude named that made a save. 

All that being said, although I had absolutely zero knowledge of his existence prior to watching this video five minutes ago, he has my All-Star vote. What separates the men from the boys is a little thing I call Nickelback. This guy could be a murder, thief, or even the only person in the world who doesn't like Ketchupbot, and I would still vote for him. Because at the end of the day, hating Nickelback is a brother hood. A brotherhood of billions. 

Serious Question- Is Something Wrong With Me?

Do me a favor and read both of those headlines right now. Not the fine print or whatever, just straight up headline. I did like 14 seconds ago and here are the first things to come to mind:

Headline #1- "That's not a nice thing to call some fat Asian."
and headline #2- "I wonder how those black women lost their husbands?"

Am I fucked up? Is this normal? Apparently my subconscious is a racist old man. Huh. The more you know.

Ladies And Gentlemen... Meet Rick Nadeau

I'm no biblical scholar here but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in Genesis, it talks about God creating Rick Nadeau. And then after that, it talked about how Rick stuffs dead squirrels and puts them in wicked sweet poses. In case some of you bastards are too lazy to click the link, and go through his website, here are some of the gems that I found: 

Is it weird that I'm salivating over these right now? If I don't have one of these, my life will be considered a failure. So in all honesty, I am now taking donations to get a little stuffed squirrel playing the banjo and smoking a pipe. Think of it as a sort of Mom's Leftovers mascot or something.. whatever justifies you giving me money, I'm cool with. Bye. 

Real Life Grinches Mess Up Grinch Decorations.. What?

I have so many questions for this article, it would make your head spin. Also, moving your neck muscles a certain way would probably make your head spin. But seriously, I don't know what to make of this? Are these people heroes or villains here? Here's my thought process. So someone destroyed the Grinch. That means they like Christmas. Boom. But on the other hand, a Christmas decoration is a Christmas decoration, right? So although it's the Grinch we're talking about here, it's still a decoration for the most wonderful time of the year. Sooo, the people who destroyed the Grinch are Grinches themselves, right? Somebody wanna help me out? Feel free to leave a comment down at the bottom of this, and any blog. It's super easy, and I'll love you. 

US Marine Offers Afghan Kids Some Pop Rocks.. While Doing His Herbert The Pervert From Family Guy Impression

Honestly, I love everything about this. Call me sappy, old fashioned, a flesh-eating ogre that smells like carrots, I don't care. This shit is exactly why I hate all the pussy protesters out there, and is the epitome of why America is awesome. This guy willingly chose to go to another country halfway across the world, be in danger of dying 24/7, all for complete strangers. To make our lives better each and every day. And not only that, but he's having a hell of a fun time doing it. Awesome stuff.

BREAKING NEWS: The Celtics Aren't Getting Kwame Brown Which Means We Don't Have To Worry About Liz Phair

Order is restored. All is well in Celtic Nation. Shalom in the home.

P.S. if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here

Mayor Of San Juan Goes Hard In His Christmas Picture!

Now in life, there are statements, and then there are statements. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a statement. Like, you want to get noticed for being the most badass mayor in all of Puerto Rico? This is exactly how you do it. You take a picture with a fucking leopard eating the shit out of an animal that I have no idea what it is, but gonna go ahead and say that its an antelope.BAM. That's a power move if I've ever seen one. I can smell a re-election all the way from here, muchacho!

P/S. And I'm no Spanish expert thanks to Ms. Lewis, but luckily, I went ahead and translated the random shit on the bottom for both of you reading this blog. Pretty sure it goes something like: "Have a Christmas before I attack your throat."

Swag

Literally the only word I could come close to describe this waving bear was swag. Because call me old fashioned, but I've watched enough Animal Planet to know that in the animal kingdom, once an animal waves, it's game over. Fucking check mate. I've never been more confident when I say that I'm 100% sure this brown bear went to town on this chick that waved to him. Probably chased down the car, forced the dude to stop, grabbed the chick, and made sweet, sweet love. And nine months later.. Chewbacca was born.

Dude That Got A Sneak Peek At Lindsay Lohan's New Playboy Spread Gives Us The Scouting Report

So here's the scouting report that I just so happened to find:
"They're, um, just okay. Yet another stab at the Marilyn Monroe cliche by the folks at the Bunny U.S.A. Definitely see Lilo's full frontal knockers, ripe, and busty, although air-brushy also comes to mind for much of this. There is no full-frontal, rather tame for a 'nude shoot', which apparently was re-shot after Hef got ugly wind of the first set of photos. Overall, is it worth the reported $1 million payout to Lindsay Lohan? Well, I'm sure her attorneys who are finally getting paid would say yes. As for the few bucks you'd need to have your own personal copy, I'd say, if you're still a Lindsay Lohan fan, get it. If not, meh."


Bam. Honestly I can't believe there hasn't been more things like this when it comes to Playboy. Like you litterally can't shut film critics up, right? And noone even listens to them anyway. So my questions are, how in the world is it bit someone's job give every guy out there a scouting report of boobs and butts, and where the hell do I sign up for that job?! Sounds like an okay gig to me.

Albert Pujols Puts Full Page Ad In The St. Louis Post-Dispatch Thanking The City And Fans. It's Nicer And Sweeter Than The One LeBron Didn't Do.

Click it if you want to read it for yourself

So I'm trying to add some spice into Mom's Leftovers by throwing in some sports poop. I know you ladies won't appreciate it as much as the men do, but hey, it's cool because I love you girls more.

So when I saw this picture tweeted of Albert Pujols' ad put out in a Saint Louis newspaper, I wasn't surprised. From what I hear, Pujols has always been a genuinely nice guy. Hell, even from watching him goof around during the All Star games and Home Run Derby with his kids close by. I know I don't have much to base it on, but for what it's worth, I think Pujols is a pretty nice guy. The thing that pissed me off was the fact that LeBron didn't do this. I know, I know, LeBron has been in Miami for about a year now, but still. It's kinda bullshit. 

Albert didn't really owe the Cardinals, or even the city of St. Louis anything. Yes, he spent 11 years of his career there, but still. In retrospect, if anything, the city owes him the world. Enter Lebron. Born in raised in the same exact state as the city that drafted, and coveted him. Once his contract ended, he shopped himself to other teams around the NBA who would want his services. Not mad at him for that, at all. Dude has insane talent, and deserves to go wherever he wanted to go. Totally fine. The way he did it though, was ridiculous. He held a one-hour special on ESPN just to announce where he was going to sign. Made it a giant heap of hooplah just to get attention. 

With all this shit happening this week with the NBA, it's easy to say that it's messed up, and I think LeBron is a metaphor for that league itself. The commissioner is a power-tripping joke. And small market teams aren't going to have a chance to compete in the next few years, much because of the trend that LeBron himself started in the first place. But as much as LeBron mirrors his sport, Pujols exemplifies baseball just as much. He was an absolute class act as he closed the door on his chapter in St. Louis. Although Pujols took a huge deal, getting 10 years, and $250 million from Anaheim, he did it the right way. 

It's nice to see professionals acting like professionals for a change. Just sucks that acts like Pujols' aren't as common as they should be.

At Least The Celtics Potential Starting Center This Season Has An Awesome Soundtrack To His Mixtape!

Obviously everyone and their mother knows about how the Chris Paul trade to the Lakers was nixed last night by commissioner David Stern, which pretty much means nobody can trade for Paul, which includes the Celtics. The NBA is a joke. Anyways, who needs Chris Paul when you have rumors of picking up my boy Kwame Brown?! Dude has so much swag, he doesn't even need the normal hip-hop soundtrack for the video that showcases his talents. Nah, fuck that. He uses Liz Phair! Brought a whole new level to gangstability! Tell 'em, Kwame!

Seriously though if this jamoke is wearing a Celtics uniform on Christmas day, I might shoot a young child.

Did You Hear The One Where A Kid Was In A Charity Event Called "Shop With A Cop" But Decided It Was A Good Idea To Steal $600 Worth Of Stuff Until He Promptly Got Caught By All The Police That Were Around?

Apparently this dude Timothy Clark did. Usually this is where I go on a witty rant shitting on this kid for shoving a bunch of random video game stuff into his shirt when he's hanging out with police, but you know what? I'm gonna give little Timmy here a free pass. A free one day, one-time only pass from Mom's Leftovers making fun of you. It's an honor, but only the dumbest of the dumb are qualified enough to receive it. Plus, I feel like Timmy wouldn't understand anything I say to shit on him in the first place. Wanna play Xbox bro?

Was Tiger Woods' Lucky Charm Yesterday "Mashed Potatoes"?

The officially unofficial spokesman for Cheaters Anonymous just won his first match in like 43 years. Kind of a big deal. So when he was on his last hole, trying to win this shit, this happened. This can't just be a simple coincidence, right? There's no way. It's simple, when you think about it. Tiger has been holding this in for his entire career. He knew he won't be able to play forever, so when he programmed himself he made "MASHED POTATOES" be trigger words to kick him into overdrive and make him start winning again. Yesterday, he finally used it. Now he's gonna go back to being #1 in the world and keep fucking sluts like the good old days. He'll probably then retire, yell "MASHED POTATOES", and go fly off into space and explore nearby galaxies. Once there, he will land on the planet ZX-439 and befriend the imperial chief, Xon, and fuck all the alien sluts that live on planet ZX-439. But wait! What's that? A civil war between the Uro and Gnok tribes of ZX-439? Suddenly, Tiger has found himself in quite a predicament. Does he choose Uro, or Gnok to help fight? Easy choice. Tiger chooses to remain neutral. In this, it proves Tiger's wisdom, as well as the peaceful ideas of Ghandi. Setting himself as an example to both the Gnok and Uro, Tiger simply mutteres the words "mashed potatoes", and just like that, peace is restored to ZX-439. His work here is now done. Tiger returns to the sphere to which he had began. It is time to sleep now. Tiger sleeps... with 46 women.

Like I said, it was simple.

P.S. Best blog I've ever written. Hands down. Gotta start writing random shit at 2 in the morning more often. Noted.

How Much Shit Would Fill Up Your Pants If You Got A Friend Request From Your Unborn Child On Facebook?

Is this genius, or is this genius? All I can say is thank God that my sex life is non existent, or else this shit would scare me to death. But seriously, I think this could backfire here. William Silva Jr. is adorable. Like why post pictures of wicked cute babies? Isn't looking at a baby that's cute as fuck gonna make people wanna go raw dog and stick some buns in the oven? Obviously 99% of all babies are cute, that's a fact, but you gotta dig to get that 1% that looks like a little ball of puke with eyes. That's why you gotta get a baby that's ugly as fuck. Something like this guy:

Fuck. That. Shit. How can you say you wont use condoms after looking at that thing? If that's Davey Jr. and he's trying to be my friend, I'd block him in a second. Wouldn't even poke him.

Chick In The White Shirt Can Be My Background Dancer Any Day

(Chicks turns on the juice towards the middle of the video)

If there's one thing in this world that I hate, it's when other people around me suck. Not literally, but when they're just so terrible, they manage to bring you down in a way that is embarrassing. Happens all the time. Whether you're in a big group of friends hanging out and they all act like douches, or just clearly the best person within a group of people, it can get annoying. That's why I feel for my girl in the middle, killing it with the capri workout pants. How pissed would you be if you were the only one doing the dance right the entire time while everyone is on the correct tempo, doing synchronized moves, looking like idiots? Fucking chicks, man. Can't get anything right.

KETCHUPBOT!!!!!!

So obviously the only robots that get any press are either the ones on Star Wars, ones that creepy scientists make so they can stick their creepy little scientist wieners in because they can't get anything else, and Snooki. But let me tell you this, my boy Ketchupbot is just a solid, blue-collar worker. You need ketchup? Ketchupbot's got your back son! Love the dedication, too. Little guy never wants to stop working. Just rolls around and sprays ketchup wherever the fuck he wants. Ballin.

TLC Gives Us The Definition of Must Watch T.V.

In lieu of the Thanksgiving spirit, I think that instead of ripping these two wacko virgin kissers apart, we should be thankful. I'm thankful for TLC. Honestly, is there any network that has shot out better shows than TLC? Hoarders. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. And now the Virgin Diaries?! That's an all-star lineup right there.

Overall, I'm the most thankful for the fact that I'm not this guy's boxers. Those things were probably dripping in cum when this happened. Not a good look.

Biggie Smalls Makes A Baby Calm The Fuck Down

I'm disgustingly envious of this little flesh ball. It's not even because this video is cute as fuck or anything, either. This kid is gonna grow up, and always have this video to look back on. Just gonna be able to whip this thing out to anyone that this little guy ever dates. What do I have? A fucking 3 second video on VHS of me drooling all over myself in my car seat. The only thing that video is making wet is my one year old self's face. Automatic turn off. So honestly, fuck this kid. I wanted to root for you bro, but you're just a selfish prick. 

High, Granny!

First off, how fucking clever is the title of this blog? Hahahahahah! "High, Granny!" It's funny because it's a pun on the word hi/high!! Get it?! Because when people say hello to their grandma, people say hi, but since this woman is definitely high off drugs, I wrote "high" instead of "hi"!!!! Where the fuck do I come up with this stuff?!

Seriously though, this woman is a beacon of hope for not only the people who are already old and senile, but all of us that's just living until we get to be old and senile. Because at the end of the day, this shit is wifey material. There's nothing I want more out of a spouse than to get high as fuck when you realize that you're old and life sucks. Going down in a blaze of hallucinogenic glory. Love it. Love her. Love old people (but not really).

One Word: Baconlube

Just when I thought my Christmas list was all set in stone, here comes (cums?) Baconlube to fuck everything up. Honestly, I don't even like bacon that much. But the fact that I can now put it all over my dick makes it irresistible. Simple as that. And don't even give me the whole "ohh but Dave, it's not like you'd even use it anyways, blah blah blah" bullshit either. It's not about using it. It's about having the option to use it.

I've never been much of a smooth talker, but I'd have to imagine that if a chick knew you were packing some Baconlube on you, it would be downright impossible to not seal the deal. Gotta be the best lube in the game, right? Mainly because they haven't made Moneylube yet for all the whores to freak out over.

P.S. Is that Kelly Kapowski?! It totally is! Saved By The Baconlube! 

Holy Heaven!

Meet the sloths from Lucy Cooke on Vimeo.

See, this is why I'm a Christian. If shit like this actually exists on our fucked up Earth, why not put all my chips in and hope to go to heaven? This has got to be a bad day in heaven, right? I'm worked up right now. Gonna go pray, give money to poor people, and keep not having sex.

Today Is Nation Men Make Dinner Day.. Take A Wild Guess At What I Won't Be Doing Today

This is a joke, right? There are people all around the world fighting for our country and women have the balls to try and pull something like this? Seriously? What more do they want from us? Do they want me to end this sentence with a question mark like the last four? Women are pricks. It's been that way since day 1, and it will be that way until I say so. What more do they want from us? First women objectify us by putting us on the cover of the best rolls of paper towels in the world:

Then they piss and moan about how Barbie was a shitty role model for girls. That her dimensions aren't physically possible even if she's from Pandora. Blah blah blah. That she's too hot and dudes would constantly just make her naked and keep them under their pillow at night. Wait, that was just me? Whatever.

Do they realize what we had to go through everyday? What we were expected to grow up and look like?

Fuck He-Man dude. I remember chicks in elementary school that would bring in a fully decked out He-Man to the playground everyday. Fully decked out with weapons and mystical creatures that he rode like a champ. Then, they'd just degrade the shit out of us. Making fun of our concave pecks. Saying our quads don't look like tree trunks, and our calfs don't look like quads. It was horeshit. So fuck chicks. Make me a sandwhich.

These Dead People's Bones Need To Stay Dead

In a last ditch attention-whore effort, dead people's bones keep popping out of the ground at this cemetery. Fucking dead people, huh? Like, we get it. You're dead. Doesn't mean you have to be an attention whore of a prick by popping up out of the ground all the time. Grow up. No one cares about all the stories you have. No one cares about the fact that you remember when phones had cords. You're dead. Act like it.

Best Way To Quit Ever?

I've got to be honest with you here, if the Red Sox had just done this like last week everything would have been forgiven. No ifs ands or buts. Give me Lackey with a little drum, Beckett with some kind of wind instrument, and Crawford with some nice cymbals and you have yourself an accepted apology. Just like nothing ever happened. Except for the fact that we still don't have a GM or manager. Or a pitching staff. Or owners that care. Or the fact that everyone is playing golf right now.

Asshole Penguin Cockblocks The Shit Out Of His Neighbor

Listen bro I don't know what kind of bro-code penguins have, but you're being a total douche here. Dude's trying to make his nest, but you have to be a total dick and just grab every pebble the dude finds? Do you honestly realize how hard it is to find rocks in the fucking tundra? Cockblocking motherfucker. Let this dude get his little penguin dick wet you asshole. Don't make him need to flipper-off at night just because he can't get some penguin pussy all because you're being a prick. Go fly or something. OH WAIT! You can't! Pussy.

As If 2008 Didn't Prove It, The Giants Remind Us Why They Are Assholes

T

Here I am, innocently trying to check depth charts on the Giants so I can win my fantasy football league and I'm greeted by this? Hi? Typical New York assholes making fun of the dude that beat the shit out of cancer. I just checked the roster and they literally have 10 rookies this year. "But nah, let's pick the one that over came cancer. He hasn't been through enough." You stay classy, New York.

Okay now on a non-serious note, this is the worst they can think of? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but both of those are solid fucking costumes? Like I'm not gonna lie here, I've always had the shittiest Halloween costumes ever. Like to the point where I couldn't even pull off the "white sheet with eye holes = ghost" ordeal. Nope. My family never had a plain white sheet so i'd be the fucking Flower Print Ghost every year. And we were too cheap to be able to buy replacement sheets after cutting holes in them, so I'd have to hobble around blindly all night under a shitty sheat hoping nobody stole the candy from out of my jack o lantern bucket. Totally not still bitter. Ugh.

The only decent thing I've ever had for Halloween was a beaver costume that I had for a couple of years but got destroyed when I went down to UCONN last year.

R.I.P. Beaver me. I will be missed.

You're Looking At The Couple Of The Year Candidates That I Just Nominated

Apparently, this wonderful couple didn't feel like paying their $25 T.G.I. Friday's bill, so they booked it. Oh wait, did I mention that this was their first date? And the way they got caught for not paying their bill was the fact that they ran through a fire escape door so an alarm went off and everyone just stared at them? Then when the cops showed up, the chick on the right had weed in her purse so they got super arrested? Boom. Just like that, these two little love birds just vaulted themselves into a couple of the year contest I just made up about 12 seconds ago. Their prize if they beat out the rest of the competition and win it all? I'm thinking some gift cards to T.G.I.Fridays.

Is This Nip Slip In The Middle of Chingy's "Right Thur" Video Serious Right Now?

I'll be honest, I'm pissed it took me 8 years to find this, but now that's irrelevant because now I have a one-way ticket to TittyVille, and I'm not coming back. It's rare moments like this that I actually wish I was black too. Because this video is the epitome of a normal day for a successful black man, right? And if that's true, then that sure beats the hell out of my normal day which consists of tossing the turkey and eating ham and cheese sandwiches. Pass the clipboard or something and sign me up, I want to be black.

The tit in question is at the 2:30-2:33 point. Have a day.

Remember This Guy? He Definitely Maybe Just Killed His Cell Mate In Jail.. Possibly

In a shocking turn of events, the dude who threw a shoe at Austin Powers just killed the fuck out of his cell mate. Listen, I'm not a fan of death here but you kinda gotta know what you're getting yourself into here. Like if you wanna go to jail and be bunk buddies with the dude from Austin Powers, that's signing your death wish, right? So there's absolutely no remorse from me here. Just a live and learn kinda thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stro- oooh yeah, he's dead. Ha. Sucks.

Serial Pooper in Florida Keeping Middle Schools on Their Toes

Listen, people may ridicule, make fun of, or imprison this serial pooper, but I'm literally his biggest fan. Let me be the first one to officially stand behind my boy here. My balls are the size of avocados and I still don't have the balls to pull off something like this. Best part about it is his heroics aren't just that he runs around at night and takes shits all over the local middle schools. Nope. But the fact that he totally throws everything he learned from Shitting 101 out the window and standing straight up while he unloads the brown is nothing short of Greek God-like. So for this, I salute you, Serial Pooper. Keep on poopin' on.

I Would Trade My Real Grandma In For Sexual Innuendo Grandma In A Heartbeat

No lie, I might go try and swing a trade with whoever owns Sexual Innuendo Granny. There are things in life that you want, and there are things in life that you need. Necessity vs. comfort. Obviously, I need her. I need her to bake me delicious things, all the while telling me about the good old days when dudes would drive 1,500 miles to taste her buns. I need.

This "Celebrity Look Alike" Thing on Boston.com Is Hilarious

So me and Boston.com have had a love/hate relationship for a while now. 95% of the time they talk about pointless shit that nobody cares about, so there's the hate. Every once in a while though, that 5% comes along and makes me fall in love all over again. What is it this time? This gallery of people submitting pictures of themselves thinking they look like celebrities. Some of them are decent, others are just hilariously awful. I rounded up the best of the best, and here they are:

"Al Pancino"

96% sure this guy on the right is why airport security is so tough now. 

"Anna Paquin"

What?

"Khloe Kardashian"

Dead on. But I literally only put this up because I didn't think anyone could be as gross as Khloe Kardashian.

"Forest Whitaker"

Black people humor me. This dude is literally Jerod Mayo's face on Albert Haynesworth's body. I wonder if how good of a football player that hybrid would be?

At Least Dan Johnson's Home Run Hit A Dude In The Nuts?

Yay?

Dude Who Used To Fuck A Dolphin When He Was In College Is Now 60 And Wrote A Book About How Awesome It Was When He Used To Fuck A Dolphin In College

Is this the fucking Truman Show right now? Am I getting punk'd here? Because if there is anything in this world that is absolutely fake, it has to be this article, right? Dude named Malcolm would go into the aquarium to take pictures of a dolphin and would just boink her all day long in the span of 9 months until it died because it had a broken heart after being transferred to another aquarium, then he tells both of his wives and they don't give a shit? I don't care that that was a run-on sentence. Rules clearly don't matter anymore if this story is even 4% real. I'm literally dumbfounded right now. I have too many questions:

-What the hell is the foreplay like for that shit? Just do that little dolphin laugh thing and make her all wet even though it's a dolphin that's in water so it's wet already anyways?

-What position do you attack a dolphin from? Reverse cowgirl or something?

-Did he wrap that shit up before he went to town?

-Is this where mermaids come from? Random dudes go and splooge inside of a dolphin and before you know it you got a chick with a tail and a coconut bikini hanging out on a rock all day?

 Lackey could go out and pitch a no hitter 4 days in a row and I would be less surprised. But I mean I guess good for him? Like I'd love to knock him but you don't see me fucking a dolphin. No way I could even come close to getting it in with even a shitty turtle, let alone a dolphin. Fuck. My life sucks.


P.S. Is it weird that this is making me really want to go see "Dolphin Tale 3D" now? That's normal, right?

I Need The New World's Smallest Woman In My Posse Right Now

Big shout out to Bridgette Jordan who just won her way way into my heart by becoming the new Guinness world record holder for smallest chick. The only thing I'm pissed at is the fact that she didn't win World's Greatest Wing Girl. Like can you stop and think for a second about how good of a wing girl this chick would be? Just stick her up on your shoulder and you're good to go. You see a hot girl? Place Bridgette on the bar and have her waddle across and tell her how awesome of a dude you are. Like who in their right mind would dare to ignore a chick that's 2 feet tall? You HAVE to respond to a real-life Jiminy Cricket. 

Best part about it? Bridgette is a perfect plan B if you can't pick anyone up. Think about how big your shlong would look when she grabs it with her tiny little baby grip!

Hello?! That mouse looks like a fucking SUV! Sign me the fuck up so my meat stick looks like a train! Call me Bridgette! Help a brother out babe! 

Greatest Headline Ever?

My brain hurts. Biggest dilemma of the day, bar none. Should I feel bad for this "Sex Dwarf" for getting the shit eaten out of him by a fucking badger, or should I just keep laughing? Like I'm honestly struggling here. I mean, there's really nothing all that funny about death, and I get that. Dying wouldn't be a good day at all. But I mean when a midget porn star that impersonates a celebrity chef that yells at people all the time on Food Network gets eaten by a fucking badger, you have to laugh, right? Is this a test from God to make sure we're still paying attention or something? Or was he bored so he figured he'd just feed a porn midget to a badger for shits and giggles on a boring Thursday? If the second choice is the right one, how can anyone not be a christian? Like you can't draw up a better God than one that just feeds porn star midgets to badgers for the hell of it. Can't be done.

P.S. How fucking awkward is that funeral gonna be? What's gonna happen, "Diamond Starr" stands up there and starts talking about how good this little guy was when he was fisting the hell out of her butt hole in "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go- Part 2"? Yay...?

P.P.S. Best part about all of this is that I didn't even make up the "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go" part. Our little homeboy here starred in that. Heroic.

Lady Gaga Without Makeup On The Cover Of Bazaar Just Made My Wiener Run Away

And can you honestly blame him? I wouldn't even hold it against him if he never returned either. Just hung out (pun intended) with all the other runaway dicks that had the misfortune of seeing these pictures too. I hope he's on the beach somewhere playing bocce with the other sad wieners.

Honestly I would pay to un-see this shit in a heart beat. Too bad life doesn't work like that. Now all I have to look forward to is either getting old and forgetting all about Lady Gaga without makeup, or get in some kind of accident that gives me massive head trauma and blocks this creature out forever. Fingers crossed.

I'm In The Middle Of The Biggest Dilemma Of My Entire Life Right Now

So as any other normal American male that isn't in an old folks home, I have a fantasy football team. I've been wheeling and dealing in this league full of random people and I'm honestly on the brink of having the greatest fantasy football team of all time. Like if I knew Lady Gaga personally, I would have sworn she wrote Edge of Glory just about this team. Don't believe me? Here's my starters- QB- Tom Brady. RB- Jamaal Charles. RB- Knowshon Moreno. WR- Calvin Johnson. WR- Johnny Knox. WR- Michael Crabtree. TE- Jimmy Graham. K- Vinatieri. And DEF- I'm just switching each week depending on the schedule so I always have a good match up. Jizz. 

So now you're probably asking "But Dave, if you have such an amazing talent with getting a fantasy football team together, how could you be in any type of dilemma, seeing as how you're awesome?" Welll I sent this kid a trade. Totally gonna help me out, and screw him over. In the response to the trade, he says how cheap it would have been. Fair enough, I was trying to jew him out anyways. But what I notice is that he accidentally accepted the trade. Christmas. So now this kid is freaking out, telling everyone to vote against it so it gets vetoed, and noone is talking so I doubt they're gonna vote against it. 

Soo now I can either A) accept the villain role and once the trade goes through, just keep it like it is and go 16-0, or B) be a nice guy and trade the kid the players back so he doesn't kill himself and it's like everything was back to normal. I'm honestly ready to pick out a little minion so I can wreak havoc on the rest of the little mother fuckers, but I need help. If you stuck it out to the end and actually read all this, pat yourself on the back, then find me on Twitter and let me know your two cents. @therealdavehans

Do People Actually Like Nyjer Mogan?

So I saw this shit yesterday and immediately I was weirded out. It was like I was instantly getting a physical from a creepy old man with cold hands. Just uncomfortable as shit. I mean don't get me wrong here, I love shenanigans, but this would have been cool if his 27 personalities were actually funny. Check out this piece from his Wikipedia page-

Morgan frequently refers to himself as Tony Gumbo, Tony Plush or Tony Tombstone, which he states is his "name on the field" or his "gentleman's name." Under his nickname, Morgan will occasionally make a hand signal to look like a "T" after reaching base. In 2011, Nyjer created his own Twitter account. With over 25,000 followers Morgan often tweets after games using his catchphrase "AAAAAHHHH GOTTA GO!" He is the owner of an adopted cat named "Slick Willie."

Soo the dude has nicknames for himself, but they all start with "Tony"? Sweet bro. Way to flex your creativity muscles. My hamster that I had in like 3rd grade is more creative than that. Dude would escape from his cage like 6 times a day and walk me home from school. Guarantee you he's more creative right now than Nyjer Morgan and I'm pretty sure my hamster is still dead. And his catchphrase is "gotta go"? Again, good one. Nothing says swag quite like those overactive bladder commercials from the 90s..

But honestly the weirdest thing about this whole shindig is last time I checked this is how all black people act normally, right? You put them on TV for an interview and they ramble on and give shout outs to people named "Baby Love". Always has been that way, always will be that way. No racist.

So unless Nyjer Morgan takes a sip of Bug's Bunny's "secret stuff" that he had during the halftime game against the Monstars in Space Jam and gets cooler, I am not a fan.

P.S. $h0uToUt 2 MuH bOii BaBy LuV GoIn HaRd iN DaA 617 y0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Domino's Pizza Plans To Make A Store On The Moon

Ladies and gentlemen, the ultimate definition of "you can't make this shit up". And all I can say that it was nice knowing all of you. Because if the first thing relating to Earth that the aliens see is a fucking Domino's, then we're fucked. Might as well just implode while we still have some dignity left. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Domino's at 4 in the morning, when I'm completely cocked out of my mind. But at that point I'm pretty sure I could eat toenails covered in barbecue sauce and be a happy camper.

Like is this our plan to welcome aliens to the Greatest Earth on.... Earth? Because if I were in charge, there's no way I'd settle for anything less to welcome our little green friends than boobs. Everyone likes boobs. Blind people. Deaf people. Republicans. Democrats. Men. Women. Spongebob.

Some Guy Creates A "Smelly Cab" App, Which Creates A Confusion App In My Head

Let me start off by saying that I'm probably the number one fan of cool apps and shit like that. Which is funny because my phone is literally a piece of poop that just so happens to be able to make a phone call every once in a while. But yeah, I still love apps like Amy Winehouse loved drugs (too soon? cry about it). But when I heard that this guy made an app that let people rate the cleanliness of cabs, I was confused as hell. Like isn't the point of getting a cab to just roll the dice and see what you get? Call for a cab and hope that you're not sitting next to a toothless tranny for the next 10 minutes? Makes shit interesting. But nope, not this bullshit app. Just gonna take the mystery straight out of it like saying that the cowboys in Cowboys And Aliens end up winning at the end and Olivia Wilde is really an alien the whole time, but not the bad kind of alien so she's on the cowboy's side and kills herself so that the aliens leave them alone. See? Takes the whole fun out of it.

Plus, every taxi smells like butt hole, but if I had just said that, this blog would have been a sentence long. No fun.

Mexican Dude Catches A Fairy, Makes Bank.. I Think?

First thing's first I'm gonna be completely honest here and let you know that I have absolutely no idea what these people are saying. Took Spanish for one year in 8th grade and all I remember is pantalones. That being said, how can you not believe this bro? It's the classic, "I found a multicolored fairy and put it in a glass for safe-keeping, and now I'm gonna make a huge profit off of my neighbors who are poor as shit" deal. Sounds perfectly legit to me. I mean how can you possibly write this off as a fake when the sign posting prices to see a 2-D fairy is as professional as can be?

Just seems like if someone was committed enough to take the time out to go and get a top of the line sign for something like this, it's gotta be real. And plus, if red-bucket-hat kid is having a good time, I'm having a good time.

Dude Goes On Facebook And Taunts Police To Catch Him... Promptly Gets Caught By Police

I'm not one to condone any form of douchebaggery but you can't blame my boy for this. Sure he's gonna be in jail for a while now being a sex slave to some dude named Lysol, but trust me when I say that it was worth it. Because I promise you that if you could bottle up street cred, it would be worth more than gold and homeboy here is a walking street cred factory. I could hire midgets to milk this dude and be a millionaire quicker than it takes Albert Haynesworth to not pass his conditioning test. Taunting the shit out of the cops like a thug. I mean sure he got caught and all but that's irrelevant. You think you just gain the chance to fuck Takeesha in the alley way next to the big red dumpster overnight? Hell naw. Gotta earn that shit son. So I tip my hat to Mr. Burgos here for living the dream. That is, if your dream is being as good of a crook as a Scooby-Do villain. Meddling cops.

I Guess This Is Kinda Cool?

Can't decide how I feel about this one. And honestly, the only thing holding me back from legitimately liking whatever just happened is the question of how these bros even decided to do this in the first place. Like do people just sit around at lunch and blow on their stacked cups now? Or did a strong gust of wind show up and cups were just flying all over the place like it was fucking Twister? 

You Think You're Having A Bad Day?

Try waking up in a morgue freezer. Yup. That'll do it. I mean obviously it sucks to be locked in a morgue in the first place, but he definitely got the double whammy here. Because the only thing worse than being totally not-dead and locked in a freezer full of people that are totally dead is the fact that this guy wont be able to cash in and make a movie/book combo out of it. If I were the 127 hours guy, I would have just spent the entire time scripting out the movie that they'd make. Same can't be said for homeboy here. Like 250 pages of being cold and asleep just doesn't sound like a New York Times bestseller to me. I mean hey, I could be wrong, but I'm never wrong.

Tonight's The Night.

In approximately ten hours I'll be a kid again. Why? Because tonight, Nickelodeon is bringing back all its old shows. Moon landing. Signing of the Declaration of Independence. And now, "'90s Are All That".  Staples in American history. I'm giddy right now. Effing giddy. Like running around town and shaking hands with old people, throwing money at the homeless and buying Girl Scout cookies that I'll never eat. Just pure, unadulterated elation at this point. You know born again Christians? Well after tonight I'm gonna be a born again kid. Gonna be eating Go-Gurt and before you know it I'll be asking for some allowance. It'll kinda be like Benjamin Button except I'll be watching the Rugrats and Doug. Soo not really like Benjamin Button at all. But speaking of Doug.......

Honestly took me about an hour to do because I'm computer handicapped. I'm no art major but I'd give myself at least a B+. Mainly because I think Mount Dougmore would be the #1 tourist attraction in the entire world.

P.S. I hope my love for Patty Mayonnaise doesn't relapse. Just kidding I totally want it to relapse.