Has Anyone Ever Stumbled Upon Something This Awesome?

I almost want to quit StumbleUpon at this point. They just set their BLAAAAARG own bar ridiculously high and I don't think BLAAARG anything in the universe can top it. Rookie mistake. StumbleUpon has gotta leave videos of this BLAAAAARG caliber in their safe until like the day after Armageddon just to kinda BLAAAARG sorta maybe cheer all the survivors up. Like these BLAAAARG videos are the who you put in the game the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, no outs. You know exactly what you'll get from him day in and day out which in this case, is a mess in my BLAAAARG pants.

It's Time For Everyone's Favorite Game: Guess What This Lady Hid In Her Panties For 3 Days!

This one's a toughy, but I trust you readers to pick the right one. Is it:

A) 4 lbs of fruits from Stop and Shop
B) A $6,500 mink coat
C) Her ex-boyfriends dog that shit in her lawn so she went to his house while he was at work and killed it but then he came home while she was still there so she had no choice but to hide the dead carcass in her panties and run
D) A miniature statue of Abraham Lincoln

And the winner is...... B! I kinda wish it was C to be honest, because my creative juices were flowing during that shit for sure, but I guess beggars can't be choosers. Stealing a $6,500 mink coat and stuffing it down your panties that you modified just to steal the coat still earns a lot of respect in my book. I'd just love to know why she was just waddling around town with it still in there for 3 days? I'd sell that shit in a milisecond and be on a cruise 15 seconds after that. But I mean I guess I can't judge this chick for doing it because believe it or not I've never actually had a mink coat chillin on my crotch before... Maybe I'm missing out? Anyone know where to steal buy a mink coat?

Reason #38,752 Why Nobody Should Like Art

I wish I could show this to all those douche bag art teachers that I had growing up that always failed me. Like shit! If I had known I could just dress in all black, hire faceless chicks to sing as I yak up some gross milkshakes onto a piece of paper, and call it art I'd be a multi-thousandaire right now! I mean kudos to this chick for profiting off of bulimia, I'm all for that. Definitely sets a good example for the younger generation of "artists" out there. My question is how much does she make by doing this? I'm gonna go make colorful milkshakes right now and puke all over my house and see how much my parents will pay me.

Shit Steaks And Turd Burgers For Everyone!

Am I Japanese or something? Because last time I checked they love poop just as much as I do. First came them trying to describe the nuclear crisis using a kid shitting his pants. Now comes making Shit Steaks that cost 10x the amount of perfectly good steaks? I think I just found where I'm starting my family ladies and gentleman! Because I'll tell you this much- if WW3 ever came, the #1 neighbor I'd want to have would be this dude. We'd just be chilling in my kick ass bomb shelter and recycle our shit into delicious patties. You guys have fun getting bombed and shit. Me and Trisha Takinawa over here will be fine eating our shit like kings.


P.S. I think there's a direct correlation between this dude's lack of teeth and the fact that he eats shit burgers. Ask me if I care.

I'm Most Definitely Broken.

Just got back from Title Town, USA and here are some legitimate pictures from Vancouver that are filtering in after they got their little Canadian asses handed to them. Yeah it's crazy they're tipping cars and looting and shit blah, blah blah, but let's talk about something way more important here...

Let me invite you to my brain for a second. Instantly, when I looked at these pictures, all I thought of was (completely serious):

"Wow! That asian looks bad ass, he definitely should default that on Facebook." and
"Throwing a tear gas can back at the police?! Such a cool profile picture!" and then, to top it all off,
"That's what the bottom of a car looks like?"

No joke that's what went through my head. Like what's going on here? What's wrong with me? Can I get some kind of diagnosis please? I'm disgusted in me. The only thing I can legitimately blame this on is the fact that I took a kick to the head when some dude tried to crowd surf outside of the Garden. 97% sure he's dead now. Sucks.

Favorite Thing About Today: www.marryyourpet.com Is Real

No offense to the Bruins game tonight but so far, marryyourpet.com has stolen my heart as the best part of the day. And of course by "stole my heart" I really mean made me throw up all over the computer, stagger into the kitchen, and cut off my leg because this shit is nuts. Not the good kind, either. Just straight up batshit insane. I'm all for loving pets and shit but straight up marrying them? I'm good thanks, I'll stick to human pussy, not a pussy's pussy.

Mayday! Mayday!

So it's obviously Wednesday. Which means so far, my fantasy baseball team (Three Run Boner) have had two full days to fuck shit up and get me a butt load of points. What have they done? Literally have gone 7-48 with 16 strikeouts. For you stat gurus out there, they're collectively hitting .148.. My bunny could hit that in her sleep.

It's not like I have fucking Mike Cameron on my team or anything too. My roster is practically the All Star team. Youk. Pedroia. Han-Ram. Josh Hamilton. Werth. Ichiro. Grienke. Buchholz. It's disgusting. Unfair. Yet they decide to just sit there and strike out? Grow up guys! Get your shit together! Someone get me all of their agents' numbers. Angry voicemails here I come!

Dog Sniffs Owner's Armpit, Promptly Dies

I guess that's one way to prepare your meal. Don't have a knife to kill your dinner? No problem! Just stick your smelly armpit in its face! Dinner is served prease!

 No racist.

Don't You Just Hate It When You're Driving Your Motorcycle Drunk As Poop And The Boogeyman Makes You Crash?

Fucking Boogeyman. Just causing accidents left and right. I sincerely hope that this James Scarborough guy gets the DUI charges dropped in a heartbeat because at some point credit has to be given where credit is due. Like who over the age of 6 thinks of telling the cops that the Boogeyman was the reason behind something bad happening? Dude's an absolute rockstar! Going into his bag of tricks and dropping the "Boogeyman Bomb" as I like to call it. Classic. What's so great about this is the fact that you know that each and every cop working in the station can relate to the Boogeyman. Everyone knows that the Boogeyman is pretty much a watered down version of STDs for kids. It's like you know he could be anywhere, and you gotta be careful. Hell he could even crash your motorcycle after 47 beers. Douche.

Scientists Make Living Cells That Can Shoot Lasers

First off, before I even read this thing, I was convinced it was spelled "lazers".. is that just me?

I kinda sorta definitely wish that I was making this up right now but I'm not. The worst part about it is that I really can't decide if I'm on board with this or not? Like obviously lasers are cool. I get that. But letting real things shoot lasers whenever the hell they want? Hello? It's only a matter of time the Canucks hire a dude to shoot lasers everywhere and then get away with it.

Mavs Win Championship, Then Are Promptly Made Honorary Ohioans For A Day.. Huh?

Okay so obviously it's awesome that the Mavericks won last night. And obviously Ohio is pumped that they won because they want to castrate LeBron, but something caught my eye. News coming out of Cleveland today is saying that the governor of Ohio just made the entire Dallas Maverick team honorary members of Ohio. Uhh... woo? If there was one thing to make me genuinely sad after doing something as cool as winning the NBA Championship it would be being from Ohio. Picture it kinda like this: Imagine getting promoted to like CEO of your company. Awesome, right? Congrats man. Now imagine that once your family finds out the good news, your crazy, smelly, toothless aunt calls you up and says she's already on her way to move in with you because she's so happy. Ehhhh thanks but no thanks Auntie. Like can you just refuse something like this? Because that's exactly what I'd do. The Mavs are on cloud nine right now. Being an honorary Ohioan would bring them down to like cloud four at the least. Sucks to be awesome.

Giant Rats Keep Eating Little Kids In South Africa.. Yawn.

"It's the ciiiircle... the circle of liiiiiiife"


I'm not trying to be heartless here but who's honestly at fault in this situation? Is it:

A) the rats for eating the little kids
B) the little kids for getting eaten by the rats
C) the parents' faults for raising softies for children, who then got eaten by rats
D) Charles Darwin

This is a toughy. I mean obviously I wrote all of these answers and I had in mind which answer I was going to choose before I even wrote them out (C), but Charles Darwin is really throwing me for a loop here. It has to be his fault, right? Couldn't he predict this shit back when we was studying animals like 24/7? I mean a lot of people think he was onto something with the whole evolution thing, so he couldn't predict the giant rat uprising of 2011? Weak.

Am I Broken?

So literally 12 minutes ago as I sat down to eat my afternoon breakfast, I turn around the box to see what Buzz needs help with this time. Dude is always in some type of dumb situation and I'm there 10/10 times to help the little guy out although I hate bees. Low and behold, this is the absolute, #1 hardest back-of-the-cereal-box-game I have ever been a part of. It looks simple enough, right? But no. There's literally like 26,000 things you need to do just to let this guy out of some vault that he snuck in. What happened to the days when it was a little maze that Hellen Keller could even do? Like what is this, the fucking F.B.I. or something?! There's nothing like a tough cereal box to ruin your morning that starts at 2 in the afternoon. Assholes.

Embarrassing

I honestly don't think that there has ever been a single adjective to describe anything better than how Vancouver is making themselves look during the Finals. Embarrassing.

I mean any team that's the #1 seed is obviously impressive on paper, but these last 3 games have shown me how childish, and just flat out disgusting the entire city of Vancouver is. I hate Burrows for biting Bergy just as much as the next guy, but to be honest I think it was more funny than anything. Like what is this, 3rd grade? It's hilarious how classless the Canucks are.

Vancouver just solidified how pitiful of a city they are with that blindside hit on Horton early on in the first. It was disgusting, and after hearing that Horton will be out for the series, I'm ripshit. Mostly because I know the NHL wont do a single thing to punish Rome. The NHL even helped the guy out by kicking him out of the game with a misconduct call. Dude would have gotten absolutely demolished if he was allowed to keep playing, no doubt about it.

The biggest question I have is how this Horton injury will affect the Bruins throughout the end of this thing. Last night, we all saw a huge emotional lift from the Men In Black (and Gold) after watching Horton get carried off on a stretcher. Recchi was even quoted after the game to say that they were all playing for their fallen teammate. I'm interested to see if this kind of emotion will carry into next week as a winner is crowned. I think it could, but that being said, I'm not sure you can ride the emotional wave all the way to the Cup. I hope I'm wrong, but we'll see.

Coolest Thing Ever?

All health and safety hazards pushed aside here, I don't think I've ever seen anything that looks more fun than this thing. From 2nd-5th grade my playground was a complete joke. Like our school was brand new and shit but everyone knows that the only way to rate an elementary school is by the playground. And even though my town had like 5 elementary schools, mine always ranked dead last. The coolest thing we had was a fucking balancing beam that was shaped like a snake and wobbled a ridiculous amount. That would be cool if we could have at least played chicken on it like regular kids but nope- the recess Nazis wouldn't allow it. To this day, I'm still convinced that they worship the devil.

All I'm saying is that yeah, this thing may be the most unsafe thing in the world, but it's still fucking cool as hell and no one can argue against that. Throw a cat in that thing and enjoy pure elation for the .6 seconds it takes to fly off into the slide. Would I let my kid go play with it? Hell no. Would I want the tax payers money in my town to go straight to buying one of these? Yes. 100%.

Mooooommmbahhhtonn

So, I recently fell in love with Moombahton. It's a genre of electronic dance music, but it's at speeds much slower than normal club songs. The first Moombahton songs were slowed down Afrojack songs and other dutch house music. On top of that they threw on a latin beat. oh my the swing.
I know it's not for everyone, but Moombahton will be big in the next few years, it's on the up and up.

I included my 30 minute moombahton mix, listen if ya like.

To hear the full force of the moombah, skip to 22 minutes in.

Download.

Moombaamix by BeatGen

Twitta: @benny_sonic

contact me if you want song titles

Most Inspirational Speech In The History Of The World

Can't believe I can type through these waves of tears pouring all over my face right now. Where the hell was this kid when I was 6? Coulda used this little pep talk back in the day. To say I drove around with training wheels for a long time would be a ridiculous understatement. The first time I drove anything without training wheels was literally when I got my dumb permit, and I doubt that that even counts because last time I checked, cars had 4 wheels. Good.

I'm No Scientist, But I'm Pretty Sure That Getting An Air Pump Shoved Up Your Ass Wouldn't Actually Make You Inflate Up Like A Giant Balloon..

Title says it all. Don't know the first thing about science except for everything that The Magic School Bus taught me when I'd watch it before I went off to school in the morning. Only thing I learned from that too was that apparently eating cheese doodles will turn your skin orange. Remember that? The little ginger kid who fucking hated going on all those awesome field trips ate nothing but cheese curls for like 14 years and he was straight up orange. I loved cheese curls so much that when I watched that one morning, I immediately shat myself. Top 5 scariest moment of my entire life. I thought I was gonna just slowly turn into an orange mush and die immediately.  I grabbed like 6 crayons and went to town on my bedroom wall, writing out how I wanted to be buried with my stupid orange body. Had some great shit on that list too if I remember correctly. Too bad when I got home my parents made me scrub it all off then grounded the shit out of me. Really made me feel better about my impending death..