Don't You Hate It When You're Drunk And Being Chased By Zombies So You Obviously Steal A Newspaper Delivery Truck To Survive And The Cops Have The Nerve To Arrest You?

Apple Valley, Minn- Minnesota man accused of stealing a newspaper delivery truck from a gas station told police he took it because he was running from zombies. Garrett Howard Hurlbut, 23, of Apple Valley was charged with stealing a motor vehicle during the September incident, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported. A police report said officers found Hurlbut near the truck, several blocks away from the gas station where it was reported stolen. Hurlbut told police he had "jumped or fell from the truck" and was "running from zombies," the report said. Police said Hurlbut had "bloodshot, watery eyes and a strong odor of alcoholic beverages on his breath."


Look, the fact that us tax payers are pouring money into the police force that is single handedly stopping citizens from saving themselves from imaginary zombie hordes is one thing. But to bring up that this dude had 'bloodshot, watery eyes' is completely and utterly unforgivable. Tattling on a drunk dude for crying? I mean talk about kicking a man while he's down. Crying? Of course he was crying! I cried at the end of Toy Story 3. Put me in front of a charging group of zombies that aren't real? Forget about it. There's no telling what I'd do. 


Just kidding, we all know I'd pull a Knowshon: 

Google Announcing That They're Making Floating Stores On Barges Is So Google I Can't Even Stand It

LA Times- According to a new report, there will actually be three barges and they will be used as floating retail stores for Google's new Glass eyewear. They will cost a total of $35 million, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, which attributed the information to a budget report by Turner Construction Co., which is building the barges. The barges will be stationed in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York, the Chronicle says. Each barge will be built out of 80 shipping containers and they'll each feature large sails. "While we have explored many ideas in the past around the barges, our current plan, as we've stated before, is to use them as an interactive space where people can learn about new technology," the Silicon Valley company told the Chronicle. 

Look believe it or not I'm not exactly an expert at making stores that float on barges or trying to sell glasses that you can watch Youtube on, so let's get that out of the way. Will making a store infinitely harder to get to help sell a product? Who knows.  What I do know is that Google is easily the cockiest company on the planet. 

"Oh, you like our simple, colorful logo? Well we're going to change it up literally every day depending on what random person in history that nobody knows did that day! And while we're at it- hop on your grandpa's old kayak and buy our $300 pair of glasses that aren't even prescription!"

What's next, they decide to intrude on Bing's territory and become a website where pre-teen boys can search for pictures of boobs?! C'mon.

Pretty Sure The Voice Of Spongebob Just Hit A Full Court Shot With His Shirt Over His Face

Let me just be the first to say that I'm not in one bit impressed by his shot by any means. Shooting a full court shot is 99% luck, and usually 1% editing, so let's not cream our pants over this kid that couldn't eve make a gimme layup in the beginning. Yawn city.

What I will give this kid props for is the fact that he now owns the title of having the worst celebrations in the history of celebrations. Like I'm pretty sure that if you have a voice like that, you know you have to be at LEAST good at dancing to celebrate. Not this guy. Just living in his own little delusional world where he can sound like spongebob telling Rob Dyrdek to suck it. Yikes.

Not only that, but what's up with the noise at :37? I'm no expert on male ejaculation (total lie, I have been since middle school), but I know for a fact that we 100% witnessed a man jizzing his pants right there. It was quick, it was weird, and it made me feel like I need to shower.

Tough Day For The Classic 'Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator Who Wanted To Steal A T.V.'

ABC-7.com WZVN News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral

You know what I hate. Gregs. Fucking Gregs. I think I speak for the entire nation when I say that there has never, in the history of the world, been a Greg that anyone gives a fuck about. There's no doubt in my mind that every Greg to ever live was a mouth breathing weirdo. That being said, this guy just completely won me over. He has to be the absolute king of all Gregs. The 'Greg de la Greg'. The 'Gregist of All Time'. The best part about it is the fact that this video doesn't even touch on all the bases of what he did. So let's recap real quick of everything this motherfucker accomplished in a single night: 

1. Got naked, climbed onto the roof of some random person's house.

2. Attacked an old guy by jumping off the roof and hitting his shoulder.

3. Ran into the random people's house.

4. Knocked down a TV.

5. Spilled the contents of a vacuum on the floor.

6. Dodged bullets.

7. Jacked off in the middle of the random people's living room.

8. Rubbed clothes on his face in a kid's room.

9. Shit on the floor in one place.

10. Shit on the floor in another place.

11. Drank everything that came out of the vacuum.

aaaand there you have it. The most interesting Greg in the world.

P.S. how badly do you have to shit to shit not once, but twice on the floor of a random person's house? Every time I do it, I can only seem to get it done once. 

Meet Wang: The 42 Year Old Chinese Firework Maker Who Thinks Lifting Things With His Eyelids Is Somehow Cool And Impressive

NBC News: The 42-year-old fireworks maker from the central Chinese province of Hunan was photographed last weekend performing his signature trick: suspending two water buckets with a combined weight of 9 pounds on plastic hangers hooked to his eyelids for a minute.

"When I first started it was extremely painful," Wang told NBC News about his unique talent, "but after a lot of practice, it's just uncomfortable today."
Among other talents he's developed for the show? Having two men wrap a metal wire tightly around his neck while he talks to the audience, which he says has been in the thousands. 
When asked what his aspirations for the future were, Wang kept it simple. "I can currently hold 4.5 pounds on each eyelid, I'd like to push that to 11 pounds her eyelid."




You know how all those experts go around proclaiming that we all should start learning to speak Chinese and actually learn how to pretend how to use chopsticks instead of just stabbing our food with them, because China is going to take over the world soon? Apparently Wang hasn't. Just single-handedly bringing China's bright, smog-filled future down quicker than the Jersey Shore ever did for America. Like, this dude has a wife and kids, and his aspirations for the future are to hang 11 pounds from his little asian eyelids? Game, set, match- 'Murica. 

P.s. don't even get me started on the fact that this lifting shit has literally nothing to do with his eyelids. He's an absolute fraud that is just hanging it off his face bone. 

P.p.s. It's one thing to hang things from your eyelids, but it's a totally seperate thing to clap for yourself while you hang things from your eyelids. Loser.

Douchebag 12 Foot Boulder Decides 3am Is A Great Time To Smash Into An Old Lady's House And Break Her Face

Where does this boulder get off? Honestly, grow the fuck up dude. What, was being outdoors not cool enough for you or something? Some guy that works for the city that this happened in said in the actual article that it "came loose" because of the soil around it or some shit like that. Seriously? Are we just giving boulders the benefit of the doubt now? If we let stray boulders get away with this kind of shit, what's next? Manti Te'o making it his +1 to sit in New York on Draft day? Straight bullshit. Fuck boulders.*  

*NOTE: if there are any boulders reading this: I'm sorry for what I said. Please don't crush the shit out of me- I thought you were great in Indiana Jones.

I'm Almost Positive That 3rd Graders Write for Pro Football Talk Because They Think Gisele Is Going To Give Birth To A Grill

This is a decently reliable source, right? I've definitely heard people report stuff before talking about PFT before. And slapping that NBC Sports logo around isn't helping their case. The funny thing about this is that when I read this I only saw the "grill" part and was totally happy with shitting on this writer for messing up. Then I re-read that entire sentence and realized that this is one of the worst sentences of all time.

Dude Gets Bored During His Lunch Breaks; Decides To Slow Down Nicki Minaj Songs To See What They Sound Like. Turns Out She Sounds Alot Like A Gay Version Of Jay-Z

This just solidifies the fact that every single thing on this earth is far better slowed down. It's like the whole everything-in-a-baby-version-is-cute thing, except for everything in existence. Wanna see water balloons getting thrown at a Japanese guy's face? Slow-mo. Some dude get hit in the balls by his asshole kid learning how to swing a baseball bat? Slow-mo.  By far the best part about this whole thing is the fact that he named this slowed-down, wiener-wielding version of Nicki Minaj "Nicholas Minjayz". Kind of unsettling that I would probably still touch whatever that creature is in the picture next to the songs, but it's probably just a phase. I mean that thing is kinda hot, right? Definitely a solid 6.

We're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Grab the Tupperware tub filled with lasagna out of the fridge and put it in the microwave- Mom's Leftover's is back! Back to posting random shit you need to see, and people shitting on me for not being funny! I'm excited. Mase is clearly excited. Let's get to it.

Victor Cruz's Salsa Dance Is Going To Be In The Next Madden?

Madden will never ever be the same. It's not even about the game anymore, really. Just who can do the best touchdown dance. Honestly, football is football. It's a man's sport. People get hit, people get hurt, people get mad. But childish dancing after scoring a touchdown? This is turning the game into a poor excuse for the title of a 'sports' game. Are you kidding me, Madden?!

TAKE ALL MY MONEY! This is honestly the best thing Madden has ever done since they decided to not let Madden say a word during the game. If other player's celebrations are put in here, it's game fucking over. I'm gonna be doing the Discount Double-Check (please don't sue me, State Farm) until my eyes bleed.

I solemnly swear right now that if your Be A Pro player can create his own dance moves, I'll actually play out every single one of the pointless practices that the game has. That's a promise.

Special, Live Look At Me After That Bruins Game!

These African Dudes' Parody Of N***** In Paris Is Almost Too Good

First off, I'm going to give these African guys a break on the fact that N****s In Paris peaked in popularity like 3 months ago. I'm no radio wave scientist here, but I'm assuming that the song finally hit the coast of Africa, so can't fault them there. But all bullshit aside, this video has taught me more about Africa than I had ever known. Completely thrown every conception I've had of Africa and made them misconceptions. Like where are those little kids bathing in trash heaps that I should donate 10 cents a day to so that they die in 4 days instead of 1? Where are all the "Miami Heat: 2011 World Champions!!!!!!!" shirts that these kids should be wearing? They have electricity now?! I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but this video pretty much shows that Africa is just like America, but with a lot less Mexicans.. and I'm okay with that.*

*Lo sentimos, los mexicanos! Yo no soy racista, lo juro. Me gusta que ustedes. Usted tiene una gran comida. Al igual que los tacos!

MissTravel.com Has Changed My Life Forever

                   

The crazy thing about this is that I was just sitting at home today crying beautiful tears out of my beautiful eyes because sometimes it's just hard to be beautiful. It's tough to walk by a mirror and hear it whisper your name. It's hard to have the beautiful beard hairs that you shaved off literally follow you around because they miss your beautiful face. I can't even cut my toenails without feeling bad anymore because they're just so fucking sexy. But as my tears fell to the ground and created little pools of wet love; I heard it. I heard MissTravel come through my laptop speakers like God himself trumpeting down from the heavens. This is it. This is my knight in shining armor. This is my calling. To travel around the world, just me and my attractive body; seeing all the sights, eating all the eats, and shopping all the shops. I now have meaning. I am now, MissTravel.

Bear Grylls Throwing Out The First Pitch At A Dodgers Game Had To Have Been The Least Exciting Thing I've Seen All Week

*I just wanna preface this by saying that this is easily the worst thing I've seen all week, and I've watched every game the Red Sox have played in so far.. so, yeah.*

Talk about a fall from grace, huh? I mean shit, for a dude that's literally been in the special forces, climbed Mount Everest, and is named Bear, this has to be the worst fucking first pitch of all time. Like, lighting the ball on fire using a lighter? First off, if Bear Grylls is gonna light something on fire, the last thing he should use is a lighter. Who is that even supposed to impress anyways, cavemen? He should've stuck to his roots here and just pissed all over the ball, caught a poisonous snake with his teeth, made mittens out of said snake's skin, peed all over his new mittens, and then light shit on fire. What a joke.

My President Is Cooler Than Your President Even Though We Probably Have The Same President

I have the weirdest boner right now.

The Only Thing Worse Than A Pitbull Biting Off Your Nose Is The Fact That You Have To Wear This On Your Face For A While

Talk about a fucking tease, huh? I'm willing to bet that this was the absolute slowest news day in the history of news days for NBC Chicago, and then this guy has the balls to not show his chewed off nose? You fucking kidding me dude? You're having your ugly, allegedly noseless face all over Mom's Leftovers and you don't even have the courtesy to take off the face mask that makes it look like you're protecting yourself from SARS? The NERVE! Doesn't he know I have a shitty blog that nobody reads to keep up?! Asshole.

I Already Love This Guy In My Fantasy Baseball League And The Draft Hasn't Even Started Yet..

I'll tell you this right now because I like you, fantasy sports is like my own version of running of the bulls. Happens every year, and I get way, waaaay to excited about it, only to get heartbroken and mauled to death on the streets by an angry horned animal. All this being said, I almost want to quit this league I just signed up for. This dude 'frank case' has to be the odds on favorite with a team name like that, and it's not even close. Here I am, thinking I'm a clever motherfucker with my team name being "Ryan Braun's Urine", and this dude is warning us that an entire race is about to take over the game of baseball all the while not capitalizing a fucking thing. Making a statement before any of us lace up our virtual cleats and take the virtual field to do nothing but crunch pointless numbers for the next 6 months. Fuck.

Jose Canseco Tweets His Condolences To Dead Al Gore. Too Bad Al Gore Is Very Much Alive

Well this has to count for something, right? I mean you don't see Bill Clinton tweeting this shit, and that dude brought him to the White House. And obviously, people are absolutely ripping apart Canseco for this but I mean other than the minor detail of Al Gore not being dead, there's nothing wrong with telling him to rest in peace, right? It could mean anything! Maybe Canseco meant to capitalize the 'p' and he was talking about his favorite stripper named Peace that he banged out in the 80's. The world may never know.

This Tree Has So Much Game, I Can't Even Stand It

If you were to tell me at the start of this video that every single second of its 2:28 duration was spent watching this girl hook up with a tree, I'd call you a liar and a fool. Welp, call me Mary and slap on a bonnet*, because I was dead fucking wrong! This video is 95% of the way there to making me a full blown hippie. My only problem is that the tree is clearly not getting enough credit here. Sure, people may say she's drunk. Yeah, she could be tripping on acid, but let's get real for a second here- have you ever seen this before? Probably not. Have you ever seen this particular tree before? Probably not. If she was drunk/high, she could have chosen the tree right next to it. There's no coincidence here. Therefore, this tree must have some sort of crazy tree pickup lines that's taken years to master. I'm no scientist, but there are your facts.

Also, totally a bitch move by not finishing the job on the tree. I was a cub scout once, but I was a cub scout long enough to realize that a tree's blue balls are the worst kind of blue balls there are.

* NOTE: I have no idea what 'call me Mary and slap on a bonnet' is supposed to mean. I wrote it in the heat of the moment. Fuck you.

What's More Impressive Than Seeing A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters? A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters That's 7'8" And Can Dunk Without Jumping

Today is a glorious day in White Man History (although this video was uploaded 5 days ago). Not only is this guy probably the first and last white man to be in the Harlem Globetrotters, but he has successfully became the first guy to ever have 'white man' and 'Harlem' in the same sentence, without it being an excerpt from an obituary! It's a glorious day indeed.

P.S. Not sure what was up with that pulling on the hoop shit after he dunked. Must be some kind of ritual that giants do?