Jose Canseco Tweets His Condolences To Dead Al Gore. Too Bad Al Gore Is Very Much Alive

Well this has to count for something, right? I mean you don't see Bill Clinton tweeting this shit, and that dude brought him to the White House. And obviously, people are absolutely ripping apart Canseco for this but I mean other than the minor detail of Al Gore not being dead, there's nothing wrong with telling him to rest in peace, right? It could mean anything! Maybe Canseco meant to capitalize the 'p' and he was talking about his favorite stripper named Peace that he banged out in the 80's. The world may never know.

This Tree Has So Much Game, I Can't Even Stand It

If you were to tell me at the start of this video that every single second of its 2:28 duration was spent watching this girl hook up with a tree, I'd call you a liar and a fool. Welp, call me Mary and slap on a bonnet*, because I was dead fucking wrong! This video is 95% of the way there to making me a full blown hippie. My only problem is that the tree is clearly not getting enough credit here. Sure, people may say she's drunk. Yeah, she could be tripping on acid, but let's get real for a second here- have you ever seen this before? Probably not. Have you ever seen this particular tree before? Probably not. If she was drunk/high, she could have chosen the tree right next to it. There's no coincidence here. Therefore, this tree must have some sort of crazy tree pickup lines that's taken years to master. I'm no scientist, but there are your facts.

Also, totally a bitch move by not finishing the job on the tree. I was a cub scout once, but I was a cub scout long enough to realize that a tree's blue balls are the worst kind of blue balls there are.

* NOTE: I have no idea what 'call me Mary and slap on a bonnet' is supposed to mean. I wrote it in the heat of the moment. Fuck you.

What's More Impressive Than Seeing A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters? A White Guy In The Harlem Globetrotters That's 7'8" And Can Dunk Without Jumping

Today is a glorious day in White Man History (although this video was uploaded 5 days ago). Not only is this guy probably the first and last white man to be in the Harlem Globetrotters, but he has successfully became the first guy to ever have 'white man' and 'Harlem' in the same sentence, without it being an excerpt from an obituary! It's a glorious day indeed.

P.S. Not sure what was up with that pulling on the hoop shit after he dunked. Must be some kind of ritual that giants do?

Australian Chick Wins $10,000 From Some Australian Morning Show, Immediately Drops The F-Bomb On Live TV

First thing's first, chick on the left at like the :22 second point can get it any day of the week, even holidays. Perfect mix of professionalism and hotness. Second thing's second, this had to have been the least excited "Are you fucking serious?" of all time. I've listened to it about 15 times now and I'm completely convinced that   it sounds just like it would if someone told her they were dumping her, or if Tony Montana cremated her cat and snorted it. It's the weirdest thing ever. I'd bet you $10,000 that if I won $10,000 I would say $10,000 worth of swears in the first sentence alone and probably face $10,000 worth of fines. So if there are any network television morning shows reading this right now, call my bluff. I dare you.

Remember That Guy That Made The KONY 2012 Video That Everyone Cared About For 12 Seconds? He Just Got Arrested For Being Shitfaced And Jacking Off In Public

Article can be found here.  When all this shit started, I was just like everyone else. Thinking 'ohhh this is cool, let's all put up posters and save an African country that I know nothing about!', and just like everyone else again, I didn't do shit about it. And then the reports came out that this dude's company, Invisible Children was bullshit and he was keeping a bunch of the money to himself, blah blah blah.

But after this shit not only am I 100% on board with strangling Kony myself, but I'm booking a flight to Uganda (if they have an airport) as I type this. Because at the end of the day, I'm not an easy guy to get respect from. I'm like the German judge in an Olympic diving competition. You have to earn that 10.0, and I'm crazy enough to give you a 6.8. That being said, the one, indisputable way to crawl onto my good side is this little recipe:

1 pinch of getting caught drinking in public at 11:30 AM
1 tablespoon of having neighbors watch you in 'various stages of undress' while you're in the middle of the road, drunk as shit
1 teaspoon of public masturbation
and 6 blowjobs.

Obviously this dude missed out on the blowjobs thing but hey, can't be perfect, right?

Is There A Video That Sums Up The Internet Better Than This One Does?

If aliens see this video, we're completely fucked.

Dude Gets Called Fat By His 5 Year Old Daughter And Her Friends. Here Is His Heartfelt Message To Them

In this narcissistic, cut-throat world we live in, it's easy to forget the power of words. We're all human. Words can hurt. 

Crack Head Decides To Do A Backflip Off The Roof Of A Two Story House For $1, Things Go Much Better Than Expected.... Just Kidding He's Probably Dead.

Aaaand let's get the scores from the judges! But seriously, if this is the kind of shit that you can convince a crackhead to do, it's kind of amazing that Whitney Houston lasted as long as she did, right? Like it astounds me that she died from a motel bathtub. So although she died, I'd chalk that up as a win.

I don't think I've ever seen a better example of Tebowing, either. Dude probably broke bones that he didn't even have, but does he give a fuck? Nope. Just Tebows like a boss... twice.

All this being said, sucks he didn't earn that dollar. Sure he might have got it out of pity, but he's gonna have to live the rest of his crack head life knowing that he didn't deserve that one dollar at all. Like if he has testicles left to produce semen, and one day he's lucky enough to put the semen in a girls vagina and kids pop out, he can't tell this story. Just can't be done. Because once he brings up the glorious moment that he won a dollar from his neighbor in the projects, all his kids will want to know how he did it. How Daddy pulled off a miraculous landing. How he re-wrote history, one jump at a time. What's he gonna say? "Wait, I don't have kids.... THIS CRACK IS THE BOMB YO!!!!!"