SCIENCE!

Listen I've never been a nerd. Just hasn't really been in my repertoire ever. That being said I can't remember the last time science has made me so excited. Why? Because a new study shows that sex is just as healthy as broccoli and vitamin D. I KNEW there was a reason for broccoli to taste awful! All these years of hating broccoli and now it's pretty much solidified that I'm an absolute genius. I feel like we should hold a press conference or something like that. Definitely would get more ratings than the Osama's dead speech.

But yeah I have to go now. Gotta catch up on lost time from never eating broccoli and vitamin D. Wait does jerking off count? If it doesn't then I'm fucked.

Why Am I Not Surprised That This Guy Got Caught In Women's Undies With His Neighbor's Dead Goat Next To Him In His Bathroom Last Night?

For years all people have done to me is show me mugshots and tried to get me to guess what it is that they did to get them arrested. Meet Mark Thompson. The guy who thought he could sneak through my cracks of injustice. Nope. Not this time bud. Honest to God the very first thing I thought of when I saw his picture is that he fucked some kind of animal and was probably high while doing so. What'd he do? He got high on bath salts, stole his 4 year old neighbor's goat, dressed up like a chick, brought it to the bathroom, fucked it, then killed it. Game, set, match, Dave. Really gotta tip your hat to him though. Just when you thought fucking a goat was weird, he 3-ups you by doing it high on bath salts, dressed up like a chick, and then killing it at the end of it all. Textbook.

Get On This Guy's Level!

Can you think of an easier job in the entire world? I promise you that this guy is 100% robbing whoever decided to hire him. He knows it too. He's just stealing from this airport day and day out. Like does China not realize that they can make robots to do this for them?

HUGE Night For Waldo!

America is awesome. More importantly, Waldo just reclaimed the #1 spot as greatest hide and seek player in history. First, Saddam tried to play. Nope, someone found him.. then hung him. Osama had a whack at it. Swing and a miss. Dead. How about our boy Waldo? He's been hiding like a mother fucker since '87 and  no one is even close to finding him. That little smirk just carrying him into hide and seek folklore.

Moral of the story is that when I look back at this day, I'll remember that Waldo rightfully took his place at the top of the charts again. God bless America.

Here's To Osama Getting Skull Fucked By Maggots!

Already ordered the copy of the book that will be written about this. And for the first time in Dave Hanson history, I'll read it before I watch the bad ass movie about it. Amurrricah.