Fucking Asians

First off, let me just let both of you readers out there know that I felt nauseous after watching this. We have this whole honesty thing going on right now, so I'm gonna be honest with you. I had to go take a lap around my house bumping into things left and right just to make sure I could still feel things. This shit was numbing. I had no idea what to think. Once I saw that this dude's record was just about at the 10 hour mark, I lost it. How is that even possible? Pretty sure your dick would either catch on fire or just melt. But maybe when you have a stereotypical Asian wiener, it's easier to navigate?

But honestly, my all time favorite moment of this whole thing was at 1:50 - 1:55. Arguably the greatest five seconds in YouTube history. Dude's spankin' it on the bean bag chair while his cat hops around like it's Christmas morning. Like does the cat know what's going on? The cat must know.

The cat knows. 

What Do You Think The Drug Of Choice Is For This Real Life Michael Scott?

I'm going on the record here saying that there is something wrong with the world if homeboy here isn't an internet sensation by next week. This is almost too good to be true. Like a part of me doesn't want to believe that this is real. Kinda wanna just sit back and accept that this is some dude's impression of Michael Scott before he left The Office. 

But yeah, I'm totally guessing cocaine.

This Hockey Guy With A Strange Name Can Skate Around On Ice For My Entertainment Anyday!

Here's the thing; I like hockey. I really do. Definitely my 3rd favorite sport. But the absolute, number 1 thing that I don't like about it is the fucked up names. Impossible to remember, impossible to pronounce. Half of the time when I'm watching the game, I think I'm about to see Pokemon about to appear and fight to the death because the announcer yells "KHABIBULIN!!!!!". Nope, just some dude named that made a save. 

All that being said, although I had absolutely zero knowledge of his existence prior to watching this video five minutes ago, he has my All-Star vote. What separates the men from the boys is a little thing I call Nickelback. This guy could be a murder, thief, or even the only person in the world who doesn't like Ketchupbot, and I would still vote for him. Because at the end of the day, hating Nickelback is a brother hood. A brotherhood of billions. 

Serious Question- Is Something Wrong With Me?

Do me a favor and read both of those headlines right now. Not the fine print or whatever, just straight up headline. I did like 14 seconds ago and here are the first things to come to mind:

Headline #1- "That's not a nice thing to call some fat Asian."
and headline #2- "I wonder how those black women lost their husbands?"

Am I fucked up? Is this normal? Apparently my subconscious is a racist old man. Huh. The more you know.

Ladies And Gentlemen... Meet Rick Nadeau

I'm no biblical scholar here but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in Genesis, it talks about God creating Rick Nadeau. And then after that, it talked about how Rick stuffs dead squirrels and puts them in wicked sweet poses. In case some of you bastards are too lazy to click the link, and go through his website, here are some of the gems that I found: 

Is it weird that I'm salivating over these right now? If I don't have one of these, my life will be considered a failure. So in all honesty, I am now taking donations to get a little stuffed squirrel playing the banjo and smoking a pipe. Think of it as a sort of Mom's Leftovers mascot or something.. whatever justifies you giving me money, I'm cool with. Bye. 

Real Life Grinches Mess Up Grinch Decorations.. What?

I have so many questions for this article, it would make your head spin. Also, moving your neck muscles a certain way would probably make your head spin. But seriously, I don't know what to make of this? Are these people heroes or villains here? Here's my thought process. So someone destroyed the Grinch. That means they like Christmas. Boom. But on the other hand, a Christmas decoration is a Christmas decoration, right? So although it's the Grinch we're talking about here, it's still a decoration for the most wonderful time of the year. Sooo, the people who destroyed the Grinch are Grinches themselves, right? Somebody wanna help me out? Feel free to leave a comment down at the bottom of this, and any blog. It's super easy, and I'll love you. 

US Marine Offers Afghan Kids Some Pop Rocks.. While Doing His Herbert The Pervert From Family Guy Impression

Honestly, I love everything about this. Call me sappy, old fashioned, a flesh-eating ogre that smells like carrots, I don't care. This shit is exactly why I hate all the pussy protesters out there, and is the epitome of why America is awesome. This guy willingly chose to go to another country halfway across the world, be in danger of dying 24/7, all for complete strangers. To make our lives better each and every day. And not only that, but he's having a hell of a fun time doing it. Awesome stuff.

BREAKING NEWS: The Celtics Aren't Getting Kwame Brown Which Means We Don't Have To Worry About Liz Phair

Order is restored. All is well in Celtic Nation. Shalom in the home.

P.S. if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here

Mayor Of San Juan Goes Hard In His Christmas Picture!

Now in life, there are statements, and then there are statements. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a statement. Like, you want to get noticed for being the most badass mayor in all of Puerto Rico? This is exactly how you do it. You take a picture with a fucking leopard eating the shit out of an animal that I have no idea what it is, but gonna go ahead and say that its an antelope.BAM. That's a power move if I've ever seen one. I can smell a re-election all the way from here, muchacho!

P/S. And I'm no Spanish expert thanks to Ms. Lewis, but luckily, I went ahead and translated the random shit on the bottom for both of you reading this blog. Pretty sure it goes something like: "Have a Christmas before I attack your throat."

Swag

Literally the only word I could come close to describe this waving bear was swag. Because call me old fashioned, but I've watched enough Animal Planet to know that in the animal kingdom, once an animal waves, it's game over. Fucking check mate. I've never been more confident when I say that I'm 100% sure this brown bear went to town on this chick that waved to him. Probably chased down the car, forced the dude to stop, grabbed the chick, and made sweet, sweet love. And nine months later.. Chewbacca was born.

Dude That Got A Sneak Peek At Lindsay Lohan's New Playboy Spread Gives Us The Scouting Report

So here's the scouting report that I just so happened to find:
"They're, um, just okay. Yet another stab at the Marilyn Monroe cliche by the folks at the Bunny U.S.A. Definitely see Lilo's full frontal knockers, ripe, and busty, although air-brushy also comes to mind for much of this. There is no full-frontal, rather tame for a 'nude shoot', which apparently was re-shot after Hef got ugly wind of the first set of photos. Overall, is it worth the reported $1 million payout to Lindsay Lohan? Well, I'm sure her attorneys who are finally getting paid would say yes. As for the few bucks you'd need to have your own personal copy, I'd say, if you're still a Lindsay Lohan fan, get it. If not, meh."


Bam. Honestly I can't believe there hasn't been more things like this when it comes to Playboy. Like you litterally can't shut film critics up, right? And noone even listens to them anyway. So my questions are, how in the world is it bit someone's job give every guy out there a scouting report of boobs and butts, and where the hell do I sign up for that job?! Sounds like an okay gig to me.

Albert Pujols Puts Full Page Ad In The St. Louis Post-Dispatch Thanking The City And Fans. It's Nicer And Sweeter Than The One LeBron Didn't Do.

Click it if you want to read it for yourself

So I'm trying to add some spice into Mom's Leftovers by throwing in some sports poop. I know you ladies won't appreciate it as much as the men do, but hey, it's cool because I love you girls more.

So when I saw this picture tweeted of Albert Pujols' ad put out in a Saint Louis newspaper, I wasn't surprised. From what I hear, Pujols has always been a genuinely nice guy. Hell, even from watching him goof around during the All Star games and Home Run Derby with his kids close by. I know I don't have much to base it on, but for what it's worth, I think Pujols is a pretty nice guy. The thing that pissed me off was the fact that LeBron didn't do this. I know, I know, LeBron has been in Miami for about a year now, but still. It's kinda bullshit. 

Albert didn't really owe the Cardinals, or even the city of St. Louis anything. Yes, he spent 11 years of his career there, but still. In retrospect, if anything, the city owes him the world. Enter Lebron. Born in raised in the same exact state as the city that drafted, and coveted him. Once his contract ended, he shopped himself to other teams around the NBA who would want his services. Not mad at him for that, at all. Dude has insane talent, and deserves to go wherever he wanted to go. Totally fine. The way he did it though, was ridiculous. He held a one-hour special on ESPN just to announce where he was going to sign. Made it a giant heap of hooplah just to get attention. 

With all this shit happening this week with the NBA, it's easy to say that it's messed up, and I think LeBron is a metaphor for that league itself. The commissioner is a power-tripping joke. And small market teams aren't going to have a chance to compete in the next few years, much because of the trend that LeBron himself started in the first place. But as much as LeBron mirrors his sport, Pujols exemplifies baseball just as much. He was an absolute class act as he closed the door on his chapter in St. Louis. Although Pujols took a huge deal, getting 10 years, and $250 million from Anaheim, he did it the right way. 

It's nice to see professionals acting like professionals for a change. Just sucks that acts like Pujols' aren't as common as they should be.

At Least The Celtics Potential Starting Center This Season Has An Awesome Soundtrack To His Mixtape!

Obviously everyone and their mother knows about how the Chris Paul trade to the Lakers was nixed last night by commissioner David Stern, which pretty much means nobody can trade for Paul, which includes the Celtics. The NBA is a joke. Anyways, who needs Chris Paul when you have rumors of picking up my boy Kwame Brown?! Dude has so much swag, he doesn't even need the normal hip-hop soundtrack for the video that showcases his talents. Nah, fuck that. He uses Liz Phair! Brought a whole new level to gangstability! Tell 'em, Kwame!

Seriously though if this jamoke is wearing a Celtics uniform on Christmas day, I might shoot a young child.

Did You Hear The One Where A Kid Was In A Charity Event Called "Shop With A Cop" But Decided It Was A Good Idea To Steal $600 Worth Of Stuff Until He Promptly Got Caught By All The Police That Were Around?

Apparently this dude Timothy Clark did. Usually this is where I go on a witty rant shitting on this kid for shoving a bunch of random video game stuff into his shirt when he's hanging out with police, but you know what? I'm gonna give little Timmy here a free pass. A free one day, one-time only pass from Mom's Leftovers making fun of you. It's an honor, but only the dumbest of the dumb are qualified enough to receive it. Plus, I feel like Timmy wouldn't understand anything I say to shit on him in the first place. Wanna play Xbox bro?

Was Tiger Woods' Lucky Charm Yesterday "Mashed Potatoes"?

The officially unofficial spokesman for Cheaters Anonymous just won his first match in like 43 years. Kind of a big deal. So when he was on his last hole, trying to win this shit, this happened. This can't just be a simple coincidence, right? There's no way. It's simple, when you think about it. Tiger has been holding this in for his entire career. He knew he won't be able to play forever, so when he programmed himself he made "MASHED POTATOES" be trigger words to kick him into overdrive and make him start winning again. Yesterday, he finally used it. Now he's gonna go back to being #1 in the world and keep fucking sluts like the good old days. He'll probably then retire, yell "MASHED POTATOES", and go fly off into space and explore nearby galaxies. Once there, he will land on the planet ZX-439 and befriend the imperial chief, Xon, and fuck all the alien sluts that live on planet ZX-439. But wait! What's that? A civil war between the Uro and Gnok tribes of ZX-439? Suddenly, Tiger has found himself in quite a predicament. Does he choose Uro, or Gnok to help fight? Easy choice. Tiger chooses to remain neutral. In this, it proves Tiger's wisdom, as well as the peaceful ideas of Ghandi. Setting himself as an example to both the Gnok and Uro, Tiger simply mutteres the words "mashed potatoes", and just like that, peace is restored to ZX-439. His work here is now done. Tiger returns to the sphere to which he had began. It is time to sleep now. Tiger sleeps... with 46 women.

Like I said, it was simple.

P.S. Best blog I've ever written. Hands down. Gotta start writing random shit at 2 in the morning more often. Noted.

How Much Shit Would Fill Up Your Pants If You Got A Friend Request From Your Unborn Child On Facebook?

Is this genius, or is this genius? All I can say is thank God that my sex life is non existent, or else this shit would scare me to death. But seriously, I think this could backfire here. William Silva Jr. is adorable. Like why post pictures of wicked cute babies? Isn't looking at a baby that's cute as fuck gonna make people wanna go raw dog and stick some buns in the oven? Obviously 99% of all babies are cute, that's a fact, but you gotta dig to get that 1% that looks like a little ball of puke with eyes. That's why you gotta get a baby that's ugly as fuck. Something like this guy:

Fuck. That. Shit. How can you say you wont use condoms after looking at that thing? If that's Davey Jr. and he's trying to be my friend, I'd block him in a second. Wouldn't even poke him.