These Dead People's Bones Need To Stay Dead

In a last ditch attention-whore effort, dead people's bones keep popping out of the ground at this cemetery. Fucking dead people, huh? Like, we get it. You're dead. Doesn't mean you have to be an attention whore of a prick by popping up out of the ground all the time. Grow up. No one cares about all the stories you have. No one cares about the fact that you remember when phones had cords. You're dead. Act like it.

Best Way To Quit Ever?

I've got to be honest with you here, if the Red Sox had just done this like last week everything would have been forgiven. No ifs ands or buts. Give me Lackey with a little drum, Beckett with some kind of wind instrument, and Crawford with some nice cymbals and you have yourself an accepted apology. Just like nothing ever happened. Except for the fact that we still don't have a GM or manager. Or a pitching staff. Or owners that care. Or the fact that everyone is playing golf right now.

Asshole Penguin Cockblocks The Shit Out Of His Neighbor

Listen bro I don't know what kind of bro-code penguins have, but you're being a total douche here. Dude's trying to make his nest, but you have to be a total dick and just grab every pebble the dude finds? Do you honestly realize how hard it is to find rocks in the fucking tundra? Cockblocking motherfucker. Let this dude get his little penguin dick wet you asshole. Don't make him need to flipper-off at night just because he can't get some penguin pussy all because you're being a prick. Go fly or something. OH WAIT! You can't! Pussy.

As If 2008 Didn't Prove It, The Giants Remind Us Why They Are Assholes

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Here I am, innocently trying to check depth charts on the Giants so I can win my fantasy football league and I'm greeted by this? Hi? Typical New York assholes making fun of the dude that beat the shit out of cancer. I just checked the roster and they literally have 10 rookies this year. "But nah, let's pick the one that over came cancer. He hasn't been through enough." You stay classy, New York.

Okay now on a non-serious note, this is the worst they can think of? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but both of those are solid fucking costumes? Like I'm not gonna lie here, I've always had the shittiest Halloween costumes ever. Like to the point where I couldn't even pull off the "white sheet with eye holes = ghost" ordeal. Nope. My family never had a plain white sheet so i'd be the fucking Flower Print Ghost every year. And we were too cheap to be able to buy replacement sheets after cutting holes in them, so I'd have to hobble around blindly all night under a shitty sheat hoping nobody stole the candy from out of my jack o lantern bucket. Totally not still bitter. Ugh.

The only decent thing I've ever had for Halloween was a beaver costume that I had for a couple of years but got destroyed when I went down to UCONN last year.

R.I.P. Beaver me. I will be missed.

You're Looking At The Couple Of The Year Candidates That I Just Nominated

Apparently, this wonderful couple didn't feel like paying their $25 T.G.I. Friday's bill, so they booked it. Oh wait, did I mention that this was their first date? And the way they got caught for not paying their bill was the fact that they ran through a fire escape door so an alarm went off and everyone just stared at them? Then when the cops showed up, the chick on the right had weed in her purse so they got super arrested? Boom. Just like that, these two little love birds just vaulted themselves into a couple of the year contest I just made up about 12 seconds ago. Their prize if they beat out the rest of the competition and win it all? I'm thinking some gift cards to T.G.I.Fridays.

Is This Nip Slip In The Middle of Chingy's "Right Thur" Video Serious Right Now?

I'll be honest, I'm pissed it took me 8 years to find this, but now that's irrelevant because now I have a one-way ticket to TittyVille, and I'm not coming back. It's rare moments like this that I actually wish I was black too. Because this video is the epitome of a normal day for a successful black man, right? And if that's true, then that sure beats the hell out of my normal day which consists of tossing the turkey and eating ham and cheese sandwiches. Pass the clipboard or something and sign me up, I want to be black.

The tit in question is at the 2:30-2:33 point. Have a day.

Remember This Guy? He Definitely Maybe Just Killed His Cell Mate In Jail.. Possibly

In a shocking turn of events, the dude who threw a shoe at Austin Powers just killed the fuck out of his cell mate. Listen, I'm not a fan of death here but you kinda gotta know what you're getting yourself into here. Like if you wanna go to jail and be bunk buddies with the dude from Austin Powers, that's signing your death wish, right? So there's absolutely no remorse from me here. Just a live and learn kinda thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stro- oooh yeah, he's dead. Ha. Sucks.

Serial Pooper in Florida Keeping Middle Schools on Their Toes

Listen, people may ridicule, make fun of, or imprison this serial pooper, but I'm literally his biggest fan. Let me be the first one to officially stand behind my boy here. My balls are the size of avocados and I still don't have the balls to pull off something like this. Best part about it is his heroics aren't just that he runs around at night and takes shits all over the local middle schools. Nope. But the fact that he totally throws everything he learned from Shitting 101 out the window and standing straight up while he unloads the brown is nothing short of Greek God-like. So for this, I salute you, Serial Pooper. Keep on poopin' on.

I Would Trade My Real Grandma In For Sexual Innuendo Grandma In A Heartbeat

No lie, I might go try and swing a trade with whoever owns Sexual Innuendo Granny. There are things in life that you want, and there are things in life that you need. Necessity vs. comfort. Obviously, I need her. I need her to bake me delicious things, all the while telling me about the good old days when dudes would drive 1,500 miles to taste her buns. I need.

This "Celebrity Look Alike" Thing on Boston.com Is Hilarious

So me and Boston.com have had a love/hate relationship for a while now. 95% of the time they talk about pointless shit that nobody cares about, so there's the hate. Every once in a while though, that 5% comes along and makes me fall in love all over again. What is it this time? This gallery of people submitting pictures of themselves thinking they look like celebrities. Some of them are decent, others are just hilariously awful. I rounded up the best of the best, and here they are:

"Al Pancino"

96% sure this guy on the right is why airport security is so tough now. 

"Anna Paquin"

What?

"Khloe Kardashian"

Dead on. But I literally only put this up because I didn't think anyone could be as gross as Khloe Kardashian.

"Forest Whitaker"

Black people humor me. This dude is literally Jerod Mayo's face on Albert Haynesworth's body. I wonder if how good of a football player that hybrid would be?