I Would Trade My Real Grandma In For Sexual Innuendo Grandma In A Heartbeat

No lie, I might go try and swing a trade with whoever owns Sexual Innuendo Granny. There are things in life that you want, and there are things in life that you need. Necessity vs. comfort. Obviously, I need her. I need her to bake me delicious things, all the while telling me about the good old days when dudes would drive 1,500 miles to taste her buns. I need.

This "Celebrity Look Alike" Thing on Boston.com Is Hilarious

So me and Boston.com have had a love/hate relationship for a while now. 95% of the time they talk about pointless shit that nobody cares about, so there's the hate. Every once in a while though, that 5% comes along and makes me fall in love all over again. What is it this time? This gallery of people submitting pictures of themselves thinking they look like celebrities. Some of them are decent, others are just hilariously awful. I rounded up the best of the best, and here they are:

"Al Pancino"

96% sure this guy on the right is why airport security is so tough now. 

"Anna Paquin"

What?

"Khloe Kardashian"

Dead on. But I literally only put this up because I didn't think anyone could be as gross as Khloe Kardashian.

"Forest Whitaker"

Black people humor me. This dude is literally Jerod Mayo's face on Albert Haynesworth's body. I wonder if how good of a football player that hybrid would be?

At Least Dan Johnson's Home Run Hit A Dude In The Nuts?

Yay?

Dude Who Used To Fuck A Dolphin When He Was In College Is Now 60 And Wrote A Book About How Awesome It Was When He Used To Fuck A Dolphin In College

Is this the fucking Truman Show right now? Am I getting punk'd here? Because if there is anything in this world that is absolutely fake, it has to be this article, right? Dude named Malcolm would go into the aquarium to take pictures of a dolphin and would just boink her all day long in the span of 9 months until it died because it had a broken heart after being transferred to another aquarium, then he tells both of his wives and they don't give a shit? I don't care that that was a run-on sentence. Rules clearly don't matter anymore if this story is even 4% real. I'm literally dumbfounded right now. I have too many questions:

-What the hell is the foreplay like for that shit? Just do that little dolphin laugh thing and make her all wet even though it's a dolphin that's in water so it's wet already anyways?

-What position do you attack a dolphin from? Reverse cowgirl or something?

-Did he wrap that shit up before he went to town?

-Is this where mermaids come from? Random dudes go and splooge inside of a dolphin and before you know it you got a chick with a tail and a coconut bikini hanging out on a rock all day?

 Lackey could go out and pitch a no hitter 4 days in a row and I would be less surprised. But I mean I guess good for him? Like I'd love to knock him but you don't see me fucking a dolphin. No way I could even come close to getting it in with even a shitty turtle, let alone a dolphin. Fuck. My life sucks.


P.S. Is it weird that this is making me really want to go see "Dolphin Tale 3D" now? That's normal, right?

I Need The New World's Smallest Woman In My Posse Right Now

Big shout out to Bridgette Jordan who just won her way way into my heart by becoming the new Guinness world record holder for smallest chick. The only thing I'm pissed at is the fact that she didn't win World's Greatest Wing Girl. Like can you stop and think for a second about how good of a wing girl this chick would be? Just stick her up on your shoulder and you're good to go. You see a hot girl? Place Bridgette on the bar and have her waddle across and tell her how awesome of a dude you are. Like who in their right mind would dare to ignore a chick that's 2 feet tall? You HAVE to respond to a real-life Jiminy Cricket. 

Best part about it? Bridgette is a perfect plan B if you can't pick anyone up. Think about how big your shlong would look when she grabs it with her tiny little baby grip!

Hello?! That mouse looks like a fucking SUV! Sign me the fuck up so my meat stick looks like a train! Call me Bridgette! Help a brother out babe!