At Least Dan Johnson's Home Run Hit A Dude In The Nuts?

Yay?

Dude Who Used To Fuck A Dolphin When He Was In College Is Now 60 And Wrote A Book About How Awesome It Was When He Used To Fuck A Dolphin In College

Is this the fucking Truman Show right now? Am I getting punk'd here? Because if there is anything in this world that is absolutely fake, it has to be this article, right? Dude named Malcolm would go into the aquarium to take pictures of a dolphin and would just boink her all day long in the span of 9 months until it died because it had a broken heart after being transferred to another aquarium, then he tells both of his wives and they don't give a shit? I don't care that that was a run-on sentence. Rules clearly don't matter anymore if this story is even 4% real. I'm literally dumbfounded right now. I have too many questions:

-What the hell is the foreplay like for that shit? Just do that little dolphin laugh thing and make her all wet even though it's a dolphin that's in water so it's wet already anyways?

-What position do you attack a dolphin from? Reverse cowgirl or something?

-Did he wrap that shit up before he went to town?

-Is this where mermaids come from? Random dudes go and splooge inside of a dolphin and before you know it you got a chick with a tail and a coconut bikini hanging out on a rock all day?

 Lackey could go out and pitch a no hitter 4 days in a row and I would be less surprised. But I mean I guess good for him? Like I'd love to knock him but you don't see me fucking a dolphin. No way I could even come close to getting it in with even a shitty turtle, let alone a dolphin. Fuck. My life sucks.


P.S. Is it weird that this is making me really want to go see "Dolphin Tale 3D" now? That's normal, right?

I Need The New World's Smallest Woman In My Posse Right Now

Big shout out to Bridgette Jordan who just won her way way into my heart by becoming the new Guinness world record holder for smallest chick. The only thing I'm pissed at is the fact that she didn't win World's Greatest Wing Girl. Like can you stop and think for a second about how good of a wing girl this chick would be? Just stick her up on your shoulder and you're good to go. You see a hot girl? Place Bridgette on the bar and have her waddle across and tell her how awesome of a dude you are. Like who in their right mind would dare to ignore a chick that's 2 feet tall? You HAVE to respond to a real-life Jiminy Cricket. 

Best part about it? Bridgette is a perfect plan B if you can't pick anyone up. Think about how big your shlong would look when she grabs it with her tiny little baby grip!

Hello?! That mouse looks like a fucking SUV! Sign me the fuck up so my meat stick looks like a train! Call me Bridgette! Help a brother out babe! 

Greatest Headline Ever?

My brain hurts. Biggest dilemma of the day, bar none. Should I feel bad for this "Sex Dwarf" for getting the shit eaten out of him by a fucking badger, or should I just keep laughing? Like I'm honestly struggling here. I mean, there's really nothing all that funny about death, and I get that. Dying wouldn't be a good day at all. But I mean when a midget porn star that impersonates a celebrity chef that yells at people all the time on Food Network gets eaten by a fucking badger, you have to laugh, right? Is this a test from God to make sure we're still paying attention or something? Or was he bored so he figured he'd just feed a porn midget to a badger for shits and giggles on a boring Thursday? If the second choice is the right one, how can anyone not be a christian? Like you can't draw up a better God than one that just feeds porn star midgets to badgers for the hell of it. Can't be done.

P.S. How fucking awkward is that funeral gonna be? What's gonna happen, "Diamond Starr" stands up there and starts talking about how good this little guy was when he was fisting the hell out of her butt hole in "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go- Part 2"? Yay...?

P.P.S. Best part about all of this is that I didn't even make up the "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Ass We Go" part. Our little homeboy here starred in that. Heroic.

Lady Gaga Without Makeup On The Cover Of Bazaar Just Made My Wiener Run Away

And can you honestly blame him? I wouldn't even hold it against him if he never returned either. Just hung out (pun intended) with all the other runaway dicks that had the misfortune of seeing these pictures too. I hope he's on the beach somewhere playing bocce with the other sad wieners.

Honestly I would pay to un-see this shit in a heart beat. Too bad life doesn't work like that. Now all I have to look forward to is either getting old and forgetting all about Lady Gaga without makeup, or get in some kind of accident that gives me massive head trauma and blocks this creature out forever. Fingers crossed.

I'm In The Middle Of The Biggest Dilemma Of My Entire Life Right Now

So as any other normal American male that isn't in an old folks home, I have a fantasy football team. I've been wheeling and dealing in this league full of random people and I'm honestly on the brink of having the greatest fantasy football team of all time. Like if I knew Lady Gaga personally, I would have sworn she wrote Edge of Glory just about this team. Don't believe me? Here's my starters- QB- Tom Brady. RB- Jamaal Charles. RB- Knowshon Moreno. WR- Calvin Johnson. WR- Johnny Knox. WR- Michael Crabtree. TE- Jimmy Graham. K- Vinatieri. And DEF- I'm just switching each week depending on the schedule so I always have a good match up. Jizz. 

So now you're probably asking "But Dave, if you have such an amazing talent with getting a fantasy football team together, how could you be in any type of dilemma, seeing as how you're awesome?" Welll I sent this kid a trade. Totally gonna help me out, and screw him over. In the response to the trade, he says how cheap it would have been. Fair enough, I was trying to jew him out anyways. But what I notice is that he accidentally accepted the trade. Christmas. So now this kid is freaking out, telling everyone to vote against it so it gets vetoed, and noone is talking so I doubt they're gonna vote against it. 

Soo now I can either A) accept the villain role and once the trade goes through, just keep it like it is and go 16-0, or B) be a nice guy and trade the kid the players back so he doesn't kill himself and it's like everything was back to normal. I'm honestly ready to pick out a little minion so I can wreak havoc on the rest of the little mother fuckers, but I need help. If you stuck it out to the end and actually read all this, pat yourself on the back, then find me on Twitter and let me know your two cents. @therealdavehans

Do People Actually Like Nyjer Mogan?

So I saw this shit yesterday and immediately I was weirded out. It was like I was instantly getting a physical from a creepy old man with cold hands. Just uncomfortable as shit. I mean don't get me wrong here, I love shenanigans, but this would have been cool if his 27 personalities were actually funny. Check out this piece from his Wikipedia page-

Morgan frequently refers to himself as Tony Gumbo, Tony Plush or Tony Tombstone, which he states is his "name on the field" or his "gentleman's name." Under his nickname, Morgan will occasionally make a hand signal to look like a "T" after reaching base. In 2011, Nyjer created his own Twitter account. With over 25,000 followers Morgan often tweets after games using his catchphrase "AAAAAHHHH GOTTA GO!" He is the owner of an adopted cat named "Slick Willie."

Soo the dude has nicknames for himself, but they all start with "Tony"? Sweet bro. Way to flex your creativity muscles. My hamster that I had in like 3rd grade is more creative than that. Dude would escape from his cage like 6 times a day and walk me home from school. Guarantee you he's more creative right now than Nyjer Morgan and I'm pretty sure my hamster is still dead. And his catchphrase is "gotta go"? Again, good one. Nothing says swag quite like those overactive bladder commercials from the 90s..

But honestly the weirdest thing about this whole shindig is last time I checked this is how all black people act normally, right? You put them on TV for an interview and they ramble on and give shout outs to people named "Baby Love". Always has been that way, always will be that way. No racist.

So unless Nyjer Morgan takes a sip of Bug's Bunny's "secret stuff" that he had during the halftime game against the Monstars in Space Jam and gets cooler, I am not a fan.

P.S. $h0uToUt 2 MuH bOii BaBy LuV GoIn HaRd iN DaA 617 y0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Domino's Pizza Plans To Make A Store On The Moon

Ladies and gentlemen, the ultimate definition of "you can't make this shit up". And all I can say that it was nice knowing all of you. Because if the first thing relating to Earth that the aliens see is a fucking Domino's, then we're fucked. Might as well just implode while we still have some dignity left. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Domino's at 4 in the morning, when I'm completely cocked out of my mind. But at that point I'm pretty sure I could eat toenails covered in barbecue sauce and be a happy camper.

Like is this our plan to welcome aliens to the Greatest Earth on.... Earth? Because if I were in charge, there's no way I'd settle for anything less to welcome our little green friends than boobs. Everyone likes boobs. Blind people. Deaf people. Republicans. Democrats. Men. Women. Spongebob.