Things I'd Give My Left Nut For:

With the start of a new week comes a new segment I like to gracefully call "Things I'd Give My Left Nut For" which features awesome stuff that I find, and want. I want them really badly.

The very first thing I would sever my teste for would definitely have to be this new urinal game. Like seriously, I want at least one. Think about it. Playing games and pissing are my top 2 favorite things to do in the entire world. I almost don't even want to put the two together because I'd feel bad for everything else that I do in my life. What else could possibly give me more enjoyment than testing my pee flow with other people who have gone before me? Literally nothing. The thing is too when I pee, it's pretty much a spectacle. Pretty sure people have called the cops because they thought a pipe was leaking somewhere or something. Pissing is just totally my thing. It's what I do.

So someone work out a deal where I can trade my left nut for this urinal game. Because I would.

For All You Pot Heads Out There..

..i'ts the weekend, so enjoy staring hopelessly at this video of some food coloring in milk for way longer than anyone else would!

Things I Could Watch All Day:

I'm literally not exaggerating when I say that I could watch this for at least 4-7 hours. Consecutively. I absolutely eat this shit up. Like this tiny little kitten is just in love with this string. Not giving a shit about anything else in the world, except having an awesome time. The big orange cat is soo jealous too. Like you can tell he's pissed because he remembers those days when he was just a wee little kitten without a care in the world. Sadly, those days are behind him, and I think he realizes that. All he has to look forward to now is getting worms in his ass so he can scoot across the carpet. Shit sucks.

March 6th Is Now Christmas, Even For You Jewish Folk

What's the big deal about March 6th? I'll sum it up in 10 simple words. Mike Tyson's show on Animal Planet about him racing pigeons. That was 10, right? Okay.You literally couldn't script this any better though. Think about it. Dude is the greatest boxer in the world for years. Goes ape-shit crazy and rapes a chick and went to jail for 3 years. Comes back to boxing. Goes ape-shit again except in the ring this time and bites off Evander's ear. Retires after a while of getting the shit kicked out of him. Then, starts his own show about him raising pigeons to be racing phenoms. I kinda feel like an idiot on this one. Like how could he sneak this by me like that? I 100% should've seen this one coming. Shame on me indeed. 

Guy Tries To Steal Chainsaw By Putting It Down His Pants, And Somehow Doesn't Get Away With it?!

According to an article on msnbc.com, some guy in Oklahoma was trying to steal a chainsaw. Like a completely stereotypical mal-educated Oklahoman, he chose to shove it down his pants. I was shocked as both of you reading this are. Pants? My money would've 100% been on the fact that this dude must've been wearing overalls. I could've sworn that's the only reason why Osh Kosh B'Gosh is still in business. 

Anyways, you have have to give this guy a tip of the hat when it comes to innovation. Why sprint out of the store carefree when you can risk slicing your nut sack open? That definitely take's some balls (PunVille), and for that I applaud him. Like if I was a CEO of some company I would hire this dude in a nano second. Anyone willing to shove a deadly tool down their pants can work for me any day. Quote me on that.