I'm In The Middle Of The Biggest Dilemma Of My Entire Life Right Now

So as any other normal American male that isn't in an old folks home, I have a fantasy football team. I've been wheeling and dealing in this league full of random people and I'm honestly on the brink of having the greatest fantasy football team of all time. Like if I knew Lady Gaga personally, I would have sworn she wrote Edge of Glory just about this team. Don't believe me? Here's my starters- QB- Tom Brady. RB- Jamaal Charles. RB- Knowshon Moreno. WR- Calvin Johnson. WR- Johnny Knox. WR- Michael Crabtree. TE- Jimmy Graham. K- Vinatieri. And DEF- I'm just switching each week depending on the schedule so I always have a good match up. Jizz. 

So now you're probably asking "But Dave, if you have such an amazing talent with getting a fantasy football team together, how could you be in any type of dilemma, seeing as how you're awesome?" Welll I sent this kid a trade. Totally gonna help me out, and screw him over. In the response to the trade, he says how cheap it would have been. Fair enough, I was trying to jew him out anyways. But what I notice is that he accidentally accepted the trade. Christmas. So now this kid is freaking out, telling everyone to vote against it so it gets vetoed, and noone is talking so I doubt they're gonna vote against it. 

Soo now I can either A) accept the villain role and once the trade goes through, just keep it like it is and go 16-0, or B) be a nice guy and trade the kid the players back so he doesn't kill himself and it's like everything was back to normal. I'm honestly ready to pick out a little minion so I can wreak havoc on the rest of the little mother fuckers, but I need help. If you stuck it out to the end and actually read all this, pat yourself on the back, then find me on Twitter and let me know your two cents. @therealdavehans

Do People Actually Like Nyjer Mogan?

So I saw this shit yesterday and immediately I was weirded out. It was like I was instantly getting a physical from a creepy old man with cold hands. Just uncomfortable as shit. I mean don't get me wrong here, I love shenanigans, but this would have been cool if his 27 personalities were actually funny. Check out this piece from his Wikipedia page-

Morgan frequently refers to himself as Tony Gumbo, Tony Plush or Tony Tombstone, which he states is his "name on the field" or his "gentleman's name." Under his nickname, Morgan will occasionally make a hand signal to look like a "T" after reaching base. In 2011, Nyjer created his own Twitter account. With over 25,000 followers Morgan often tweets after games using his catchphrase "AAAAAHHHH GOTTA GO!" He is the owner of an adopted cat named "Slick Willie."

Soo the dude has nicknames for himself, but they all start with "Tony"? Sweet bro. Way to flex your creativity muscles. My hamster that I had in like 3rd grade is more creative than that. Dude would escape from his cage like 6 times a day and walk me home from school. Guarantee you he's more creative right now than Nyjer Morgan and I'm pretty sure my hamster is still dead. And his catchphrase is "gotta go"? Again, good one. Nothing says swag quite like those overactive bladder commercials from the 90s..

But honestly the weirdest thing about this whole shindig is last time I checked this is how all black people act normally, right? You put them on TV for an interview and they ramble on and give shout outs to people named "Baby Love". Always has been that way, always will be that way. No racist.

So unless Nyjer Morgan takes a sip of Bug's Bunny's "secret stuff" that he had during the halftime game against the Monstars in Space Jam and gets cooler, I am not a fan.

P.S. $h0uToUt 2 MuH bOii BaBy LuV GoIn HaRd iN DaA 617 y0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Domino's Pizza Plans To Make A Store On The Moon

Ladies and gentlemen, the ultimate definition of "you can't make this shit up". And all I can say that it was nice knowing all of you. Because if the first thing relating to Earth that the aliens see is a fucking Domino's, then we're fucked. Might as well just implode while we still have some dignity left. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Domino's at 4 in the morning, when I'm completely cocked out of my mind. But at that point I'm pretty sure I could eat toenails covered in barbecue sauce and be a happy camper.

Like is this our plan to welcome aliens to the Greatest Earth on.... Earth? Because if I were in charge, there's no way I'd settle for anything less to welcome our little green friends than boobs. Everyone likes boobs. Blind people. Deaf people. Republicans. Democrats. Men. Women. Spongebob.

Some Guy Creates A "Smelly Cab" App, Which Creates A Confusion App In My Head

Let me start off by saying that I'm probably the number one fan of cool apps and shit like that. Which is funny because my phone is literally a piece of poop that just so happens to be able to make a phone call every once in a while. But yeah, I still love apps like Amy Winehouse loved drugs (too soon? cry about it). But when I heard that this guy made an app that let people rate the cleanliness of cabs, I was confused as hell. Like isn't the point of getting a cab to just roll the dice and see what you get? Call for a cab and hope that you're not sitting next to a toothless tranny for the next 10 minutes? Makes shit interesting. But nope, not this bullshit app. Just gonna take the mystery straight out of it like saying that the cowboys in Cowboys And Aliens end up winning at the end and Olivia Wilde is really an alien the whole time, but not the bad kind of alien so she's on the cowboy's side and kills herself so that the aliens leave them alone. See? Takes the whole fun out of it.

Plus, every taxi smells like butt hole, but if I had just said that, this blog would have been a sentence long. No fun.

Mexican Dude Catches A Fairy, Makes Bank.. I Think?

First thing's first I'm gonna be completely honest here and let you know that I have absolutely no idea what these people are saying. Took Spanish for one year in 8th grade and all I remember is pantalones. That being said, how can you not believe this bro? It's the classic, "I found a multicolored fairy and put it in a glass for safe-keeping, and now I'm gonna make a huge profit off of my neighbors who are poor as shit" deal. Sounds perfectly legit to me. I mean how can you possibly write this off as a fake when the sign posting prices to see a 2-D fairy is as professional as can be?

Just seems like if someone was committed enough to take the time out to go and get a top of the line sign for something like this, it's gotta be real. And plus, if red-bucket-hat kid is having a good time, I'm having a good time.