Don't You Hate It When You're Drunk And Being Chased By Zombies So You Obviously Steal A Newspaper Delivery Truck To Survive And The Cops Have The Nerve To Arrest You?

Apple Valley, Minn- Minnesota man accused of stealing a newspaper delivery truck from a gas station told police he took it because he was running from zombies. Garrett Howard Hurlbut, 23, of Apple Valley was charged with stealing a motor vehicle during the September incident, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported. A police report said officers found Hurlbut near the truck, several blocks away from the gas station where it was reported stolen. Hurlbut told police he had "jumped or fell from the truck" and was "running from zombies," the report said. Police said Hurlbut had "bloodshot, watery eyes and a strong odor of alcoholic beverages on his breath."


Look, the fact that us tax payers are pouring money into the police force that is single handedly stopping citizens from saving themselves from imaginary zombie hordes is one thing. But to bring up that this dude had 'bloodshot, watery eyes' is completely and utterly unforgivable. Tattling on a drunk dude for crying? I mean talk about kicking a man while he's down. Crying? Of course he was crying! I cried at the end of Toy Story 3. Put me in front of a charging group of zombies that aren't real? Forget about it. There's no telling what I'd do. 


Just kidding, we all know I'd pull a Knowshon: 

Google Announcing That They're Making Floating Stores On Barges Is So Google I Can't Even Stand It

LA Times- According to a new report, there will actually be three barges and they will be used as floating retail stores for Google's new Glass eyewear. They will cost a total of $35 million, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, which attributed the information to a budget report by Turner Construction Co., which is building the barges. The barges will be stationed in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York, the Chronicle says. Each barge will be built out of 80 shipping containers and they'll each feature large sails. "While we have explored many ideas in the past around the barges, our current plan, as we've stated before, is to use them as an interactive space where people can learn about new technology," the Silicon Valley company told the Chronicle. 

Look believe it or not I'm not exactly an expert at making stores that float on barges or trying to sell glasses that you can watch Youtube on, so let's get that out of the way. Will making a store infinitely harder to get to help sell a product? Who knows.  What I do know is that Google is easily the cockiest company on the planet. 

"Oh, you like our simple, colorful logo? Well we're going to change it up literally every day depending on what random person in history that nobody knows did that day! And while we're at it- hop on your grandpa's old kayak and buy our $300 pair of glasses that aren't even prescription!"

What's next, they decide to intrude on Bing's territory and become a website where pre-teen boys can search for pictures of boobs?! C'mon.

Pretty Sure The Voice Of Spongebob Just Hit A Full Court Shot With His Shirt Over His Face

Let me just be the first to say that I'm not in one bit impressed by his shot by any means. Shooting a full court shot is 99% luck, and usually 1% editing, so let's not cream our pants over this kid that couldn't eve make a gimme layup in the beginning. Yawn city.

What I will give this kid props for is the fact that he now owns the title of having the worst celebrations in the history of celebrations. Like I'm pretty sure that if you have a voice like that, you know you have to be at LEAST good at dancing to celebrate. Not this guy. Just living in his own little delusional world where he can sound like spongebob telling Rob Dyrdek to suck it. Yikes.

Not only that, but what's up with the noise at :37? I'm no expert on male ejaculation (total lie, I have been since middle school), but I know for a fact that we 100% witnessed a man jizzing his pants right there. It was quick, it was weird, and it made me feel like I need to shower.

Tough Day For The Classic 'Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator Who Wanted To Steal A T.V.'

ABC-7.com WZVN News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral

You know what I hate. Gregs. Fucking Gregs. I think I speak for the entire nation when I say that there has never, in the history of the world, been a Greg that anyone gives a fuck about. There's no doubt in my mind that every Greg to ever live was a mouth breathing weirdo. That being said, this guy just completely won me over. He has to be the absolute king of all Gregs. The 'Greg de la Greg'. The 'Gregist of All Time'. The best part about it is the fact that this video doesn't even touch on all the bases of what he did. So let's recap real quick of everything this motherfucker accomplished in a single night: 

1. Got naked, climbed onto the roof of some random person's house.

2. Attacked an old guy by jumping off the roof and hitting his shoulder.

3. Ran into the random people's house.

4. Knocked down a TV.

5. Spilled the contents of a vacuum on the floor.

6. Dodged bullets.

7. Jacked off in the middle of the random people's living room.

8. Rubbed clothes on his face in a kid's room.

9. Shit on the floor in one place.

10. Shit on the floor in another place.

11. Drank everything that came out of the vacuum.

aaaand there you have it. The most interesting Greg in the world.

P.S. how badly do you have to shit to shit not once, but twice on the floor of a random person's house? Every time I do it, I can only seem to get it done once. 

Meet Wang: The 42 Year Old Chinese Firework Maker Who Thinks Lifting Things With His Eyelids Is Somehow Cool And Impressive

NBC News: The 42-year-old fireworks maker from the central Chinese province of Hunan was photographed last weekend performing his signature trick: suspending two water buckets with a combined weight of 9 pounds on plastic hangers hooked to his eyelids for a minute.

"When I first started it was extremely painful," Wang told NBC News about his unique talent, "but after a lot of practice, it's just uncomfortable today."
Among other talents he's developed for the show? Having two men wrap a metal wire tightly around his neck while he talks to the audience, which he says has been in the thousands. 
When asked what his aspirations for the future were, Wang kept it simple. "I can currently hold 4.5 pounds on each eyelid, I'd like to push that to 11 pounds her eyelid."




You know how all those experts go around proclaiming that we all should start learning to speak Chinese and actually learn how to pretend how to use chopsticks instead of just stabbing our food with them, because China is going to take over the world soon? Apparently Wang hasn't. Just single-handedly bringing China's bright, smog-filled future down quicker than the Jersey Shore ever did for America. Like, this dude has a wife and kids, and his aspirations for the future are to hang 11 pounds from his little asian eyelids? Game, set, match- 'Murica. 

P.s. don't even get me started on the fact that this lifting shit has literally nothing to do with his eyelids. He's an absolute fraud that is just hanging it off his face bone. 

P.p.s. It's one thing to hang things from your eyelids, but it's a totally seperate thing to clap for yourself while you hang things from your eyelids. Loser.